Answer:  You may both be right. It may not ‘mean anything’ to him. But, you are hurt and jealous.  Those would be normal feelings. Many men make comments about ‘good looking women’.  When a man is single, these comments are most often made to other men. However, not many women want to hear such comments from their husbands. In fact, I don’t know any women that welcome such comments.

So, tell him that you find that offensive. Remind him that he is married, and that you are not ‘one of the boys’. Give him a little slack. It takes a while to break old habits. But whatever you do, don’t accept these comments as appropriate. You are newly married and this is the time to ‘set the record straight’ that such comments are not acceptable. Also, be open to his requests for changes in your speech or behavior. This is a normal part of early marital adjustments.

What I discovered years ago is that what makes one child feel loved, does not necessarily make another child feel loved. I like to picture each child as having an emotional ‘love tank’. If the tank is full, that is the child feels loved by the parents, then the child grows up normally. If the tank is empty, the child will grow up with many internal struggles. And in the teenage years they will go looking for love, typically in all the wrong places. Learning what fills your child’s love tank is one of the secrets to successful parenting.

For more, see my new book: The 5 Love Languages of Children

Answer: First of all, think about our military couples who don’t see each other at all for 12 months. Marriage is not about proximity. Marriage is about two hearts beating together for each other. Together or apart, we are seeking each other’s well-being. We are praying for them, doing what we can to help them, and keeping in touch via phone, e-mail, or texting.

I would encourage you to make the most of the 36 hours you have together each week. Be kind, thoughtful, and loving. Speak each others love language. If you have issues, talk with a pastor or counselor, or read a book. When your time together is pleasant, then your time apart can also be pleasant. Of course, if you argue when you are together, then there is no comfort while you are apart. A strong marriage can endure times of separation.

Question: My girlfriend and I have been dating for four years. We think we are ready for sex. My love language is physical touch. Do you think sex would help our relationship? We are both willing, just not sure if it is right for us.

Answer: If you will listen to my advice, I can save you a lot of pain, and give you a better foundation for a successful marriage. I know that my advice is not very popular in today’s culture, but it is backed with 10 years of research. Sex before marriage does not enhance a relationship. It often stimulates guilt, and insecurity.

If one of you eventually breaks off the relationship, it will create extreme emotional pain in the other.  I’ve counseled scores of such individuals over the past few years.  If you eventually decide to get married, your chances of a divorce are increased significantly. To get the full scoop, read the book; The Ring Makes All The Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Co-habitation, by Glenn Stanton. It’s worth the read.

The good news is that the first and last of these problems can be corrected without the help of your spouse. If you’re willing to get more intimate with God, and take a fresh look at yourself, you’re on the road to growth.

Seek the help of a mature Christian friend, a pastor, or a Christian counselor. Read Christian books on spiritual growth and self-understanding. Pray that God will show you the changes that need to be made in your thinking and behavior. Ask God to show you how and when to express both tender and tough love.

Answer: We are to forgive others as God forgives us. So, how does God forgive us? The Scriptures say, “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive our sins.” If we don’t confess, the Scriptures indicate that God will discipline us (Hebrews 12). Jesus gave us clear instructions in Luke 17: 3, “If your brother (or wife) sins against you, confront him or her. If they repent forgive them.”

In Matthew 18 Jesus said we should make more than one attempt at confronting them. Eventually, if they don’t repent, we are to treat them as a pagan. How do we treat pagans? We pray for them; we love them; we return good for evil. It is unconditional love that often touches the heart of the offender. You will need God’s help to follow God’s plan, but it is the most powerful thing you can do when someone refuses to apologize.

Answer: The short answer is, “Yes”. The longer answer is that couples who live together before getting married are no better prepared for marriage than those who did not. In fact, their divorce rate is even higher. The topics I deal with in Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married are designed to help all couples whatever their past experience.

I include such topics as: I wish I’d Known that…apologizing is a sign of strength; forgiveness is not a feeling; toilets are not self cleaning; how to solve conflicts without arguing; that romantic love has two stages; and that personality profoundly affects behavior.

Most couples who have lived together before marriage have not learned these realities nor the skills to apply them.

Separation forces us to admit that we have serious problems. When we examine divorce, we realize that divorce doesn’t solve anything. In fact, it creates more problems. The best of our options is to seek reconciliation.

The Christian who makes this choice has all the help of God. God instituted marriage. He knows that marriage is not easy, but He also knows that He wants to use the pains of marriage to build us into more Christ-like people. When this happens, then the potential for a renewed marriage becomes real.  Are you asking God to use your present pain to make you more like Christ? As you grow in your own intimacy with Him, you will have His wisdom in what you should do in relating to your spouse. Your actions cannot control your spouse, but your actions will influence your spouse, for better or for worse.

A: You are identifying one of the major scars of pre-marital sex. Sexual intercourse is not simply the joining of two bodies. It is a deep emotional and spiritual experience. It was designed to bond a man and woman together for a lifetime.  It is very difficult to erase the memories because the two of you ‘bonded’.  Your memories and your wife’s imagination create an emotional barrier.

My suggestions include: confessing your sin to God and your wife. (I think you have already done this.) Then picture the blood of Christ, flowing over your sin and hiding it from your sight. It happened, but it is now covered by His blood. That is the way God sees your past, and that is the way he wants you to see it. The blood of Christ is the most effective medication for healing the memories.

A: Thousands of people can identify with that question. In my book Desperate Marriages, I address the problem. My approach is to see yourself as a positive change agent. The process is two pronged: First, tender love and second tough love. By ‘tender love’ I mean—learn their love language and speak it daily, no matter how they treat you.

Then, six months into this process, you make the request that they seek treatment. Keep loving them. Then, apply tough love. You might say, “I love you too much to sit here and do nothing while you destroy yourself. If you do not go for treatment, then I’m moving in with my mother.” Then move out. Since you have been loving them in a meaningful way for 6 months, they now have something to lose. Typically, they respond. After treatment, you can get marriage counseling and rebuild your marriage.