Why Apologize?
In a perfect world, there would be no need to apologize. But in an imperfect world, we cannot survive without them. We are moral creatures. We have a strong sense of right and wrong. When we are wronged, we experience hurt and anger. Something within us cries out for reconciliation when wrongdoing has fractured a relationship. The desire for reconciliation is often more potent than the desire for justice.
Opening the Door
In marriage, domestic turmoil is often rooted in an unwillingness to apologize. For lack of an apology, couples declare war, which can last for years and often ends in divorce. I’ve wondered if sincere apologies would have changed that sad outcome. You cannot apologize for your spouse’s wrongs, but you can apologize for your own. When you do, you open the door to the possibility of forgiveness and you are on the road to reconciliation. There are no healthy marriages without apologies.
Can You Forgive Without an Apology?
If your definition of forgiveness is to release the person to God and release your hurt and anger to God, then you can forgive without an apology. But if by forgiveness you mean reconciliation, then an apology is a necessary ingredient. The Christian is instructed to forgive others in the same manner that God forgives us. How does God forgive us? The Scriptures say that “if we confess our sins,” God will forgive our sins.
You see, we often want our spouse to “just forget about what happened.” We don’t want to talk about it. We don’t want to apologize. We just want it to “go away.” But things don’t just “go away.” God has provided a pattern for human forgiveness, and that pattern requires apologizing for our wrongs.
Learn and Speak a New Language
The art of apologizing can be learned! Recently, I released a book with Dr. Jennifer Thomas titled The Five Languages of Apology. I think you will find it a life changing book. What we have discovered in our research is that there are five basic aspects of an apology. I call them the five languages of apology.
The key to good relationships is learning the apology language of your spouse and being willing to speak it. Perhaps you’ve been saying “I’m sorry,” when your spouse needs to hear “I was wrong.” When you speak the primary apology language of your spouse, you make it easier for him or her to genuinely forgive you. When you fail to speak their language, it makes forgiveness difficult because they are not sure you are genuinely apologizing.
Remember the Five Languages of Apology?
# 1 – Expressing Regret
# 2 – Accepting Responsibility
# 3 – Making Restitution
# 4 – Genuinely Repenting
# 5 – Requesting Forgiveness
What’s yours? Take the 30-second quiz.
I am hoping to buy this book when I can afford it. I am looking forward to reading it. I recently ordered the 5 love languages (men’s addition and the normal edition for my fiancee) so I am still waiting on them to come, I will start the men’s addition as soon as I get it. Thank you for your ministry Gary.
can you have more than 1 love language?
Sure, Tammie. Actually it’s pretty common for people to have multiple Love Languages. In fact the book talks more about this, but all the love languages are important, it’s just that there is usually one (and sometimes two) that really speak to you more than the others, I happen to have two really close to the top also, 1) Quality Time and 2) Physical Touch. Like I said the book explains it much better, than I can, but it’s not uncommon to have a couple ranked really close together.
I know I’m kind of late to the game here, but both my wife and I are almost too quick to apologize. Not that the apology isn’t necessary, but we either don’t apologize in the manner that means the most or we apologize so often that it doesn’t mean anything. I also believe it’s important to know what you’re apologizing for. Too often my wife has said, “I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m sorry.” My response is always, “then why are you apologizing?” That might go along with accepting responsibility. How can you accept responsibility if you don’t know what for?Thanks guys for the great posts!