November 24, 2008
In-Laws: God’s Blessing
Your mother-in-law is not your enemy! Our parents and parents-in-law are a part of our lives. But whether we’re newlyweds or an ‘old married couple,’ how should we relate to in-laws? Actually, we need one another. Mutual freedom and mutual respect should be the guiding principle for parents and their married children. What guidelines does the Bible give for in-law relationships? Two principles must be kept in balance: leaving parents and honoring parents.
In Genesis chapter 2 we read, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Marriage involves a change of allegiance. Before marriage, our allegiance is to our parents, but after marriage it is to our spouse. We must cut the ‘apron strings.’
Don’t disregard your father-in-law’s wisdom. God often speaks through fathers-in-law and mothers-in-law. They are older and may have more wisdom than we. The mature husband and wife will consider carefully the advice of parents and in-laws. At the same time, you are not to put the advice of parents above the desires of your spouse. It’s the biblical concept of “leaving parents” and “cleaving to your spouse” that allows you to establish a new family unit under God.
How do you honor your parents after you are married, without allowing them to control you? As long as they live it is right to honor them. Sometimes we do not respect the lifestyle of our parents or in-laws. But we must respect their position. In the providence of God, they gave us life. For that we respect them. Honor does not mean that you must do everything your parent’s request. Honor is seeking to do what is best for them.
Honoring parents can get sticky because there are two sets of them. The wife’s mother wants them home for Christmas Eve. The husband’s mother wants them home for Christmas dinner. The principle is equality. In Romans 2:11 the Bible says, “God does not show favoritism.” We must seek to treat both sets of in-laws with equality. This may mean Christmas here this year and Christmas there next year. The purpose is to honor and show respect for them equally. Having done so, you have followed the biblical injunction: Honor your father and your mother.
Have you struggled to honor your in-laws? If so, how? How have you and your spouse dealt with these struggles?
Ohhhh Dr. Chapman, this is a big sticking point for me with my husband. He of course doesn’t see were there is a problem, only that I’m jealous. Dr. Chapman, I bared my sole to him on this issue once and I won’t do it again until he ‘gets it’. Any advice?
Dr. chapman, This has been an issue with my husband and I almost from the begining. He is very close with his parents, and I appreciate it, but i feel like he is almost to close and I feel like I am always number 2 and not number one. When they walk into our home I would expect them to respect that it is our home and not theirs. I feel that it being my home is completley disregarded. He feels that they have the right to walk into our home as if it was theirs? They have also recently moved into our home and it has been very difficult for me as they and my husband just all assumed that that is where they were going to be staying. My husband and I had previously discussed the situation and had agreeded that they would rent something if they were to sell there home, but all of the sudden I was to deal with it and if I didn't like it, then to bad. If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them. I have recently read The Five Love Languages, for the second time and have bought a copy for my husband to read as well.