Wisdom for Relationships
You are separated, but you really don’t want a divorce. You want to follow the Biblical ideal of seeking reconciliation. How do you go about it. First, you must not allow your emotions to control you. I didn’t say that you should not have emotions. Hurt, anger, disappointment, and pain are often the emotions of..... Read More
You may not have positive feelings toward your spouse, but you are choosing to give them unconditional love every week by doing something for them that you know they want you to do. There is a good chance that within six months, you will hear your spouse say “This is great. I can’t believe the..... Read More
“I’ll treat her better when she treats me better.” “I’ll treat him better when he treats me better.” Such an attitude misses out on the power of unconditional love. Unconditional love is the choice to love your spouse no matter how they treat you. Let me give you a suggestion: Go to your spouse and..... Read More
All of us would like to think that someone loves us unconditionally. The child longs for this kind of love from his parents, but husbands and wives also desire unconditional love from each other. The wedding vow was to love “in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth, so long as we both..... Read More
So, your spouse has failed you. But now, they have confessed their wrong and are seeking to change their behavior. What are you to do? In the Scriptures, forgiveness is always the Christian response to confession and repentance. Remember, forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a decision to lift the penalty and declare the..... Read More
You don’t have to be perfect to have a good marriage. But, you do need to deal effectively with your failures. Otherwise, they sit as barriers to a growing marriage. How do you get rid of past failures? First, you identify them – write them down. Second, you confess them as wrong – to God..... Read More
I’m talking about in your marriage. Many couples have so much pain from past failures that they have a hard time moving ahead. Time alone, will not heal hurts. Healing comes when we are willing to confess our failures and change our behavior. Some of us would like to leave out the confession part and..... Read More
From time to time we say and do things that are not loving, kind, or helpful. In a marriage, these failures build into walls of separation. If you would like to remove past failures, you must first identify them. Get pen and paper and then, ask God to bring to your mind, the ways you..... Read More
The biblical picture of marriage is the blending of two lives into a new unit which will both satisfy the individuals involved, and serve the purposes of God. Our hearts cry out for intimacy. We were made to share life with another. God created marriage to be the most intimate of all human relationships. We..... Read More
What is the purpose of marriage? Sex? Companionship? Love? To provide a home for children? Social acceptance? Economic advantage? Security? In the Bible, God looked at Adam and said: “It is not good for man to be alone”. The word means ‘cut off, isolated’. God’s answer? “I will make him a helper suitable for him.”..... Read More
Seldom does a husband and wife have the same primary love language. We tend to speak our own language and wonder why they don’t respond. The reason is, they did not get the message, on an emotional level. You express your love by doing things for your spouse, but what they want is physical touch...... Read More
Do you know the 5 Love Languages? Here they are: l. Words of affirmation – using words to build up the other person. “Thanks for taking out the garbage.” Not – “It’s about time you took the garbage out. The flies were going to carry it out for you.” 2. Gifts – a gift says,..... Read More
With all the books, magazines, and practical help available, why is it that so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding? I believe the problem is: we have overlooked one fundamental truth – people speak different love languages. One husband said: “I tell her how beautiful she..... Read More
The “in love” experience, which leads most of us to get married, is an emotional obsession that leads us to the conclusion that we have married the most wonderful person in the world. It’s an illusion, but it seems real, and it is one of life’s greatest emotional highs. But why doesn’t it continue after..... Read More
Where do we turn for help when we are separated? In the Bible we find not only what we ought to do, but also the encouragement and power to do it. The words of Paul become our own: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” When we turn to the Bible for..... Read More
Perhaps you are saying: “I’m not sure that I want to work on my marriage. I’ve tried. I’ve given and given. It won’t work, and I may as well get out now!” I am deeply sympathetic with your feelings. I know that when we have tried again and again without success, we may lose our..... Read More
Separation means that a marriage is in desperate straits. Healing will require listening, understanding, discipline, change. But hard work can result in the joy of a restored marriage. I know that some of you are saying: “It sounds good, but it won’t work. We’ve tried before. Besides, I don’t think my spouse will even try..... Read More
Separation is not death, although it may seem like “the valley of the shadow of death”. But the shadow of death is not to be equated with death. Separation may be the valley of restoration, and the pain you feel may be labor pains which will give rebirth to your marriage. Separation calls for intensive..... Read More
A man said to me recently: “We have a problem. My wife’s sister told us that her husband just left her and is asking for a divorce. She is turning to us for advice. I’m not sure what to tell her. Should she contest the divorce? How do we help her? We have never faced..... Read More
If you are living with a verbally abusive spouse, you need an evacuation plan and you need to share the plan with your spouse. Try this: “I want to share with you a decision I have made. As you know, I have talked with you in the past about how deeply I am hurt when..... Read More
You don’t have to be perfect to have a good marriage. But, you do need to deal effectively with your failures. Otherwise, they sit as barriers to a growing marriage. How do you get rid of past failures? First, you identify them – write them down; Second, you confess them as wrong – to God..... Read More
“Most of us will admit that we are not perfect.” From time to time we say and do things that are not loving, kind, or helpful. In a marriage, these failures build into walls of separation. If you would like to remove past failures, you must first identify them. Get pen and paper and then,..... Read More
Would you like to put the past behind you and start over? I’m talking about in your marriage. Many couples have so much pain from past failures that they have a hard time moving ahead. Time alone, will not heal hurts. Healing comes when we are willing to confess our failures and change our behavior...... Read More
What do you say or do when you apologize to someone? For some, it’s “I’m sorry.” To them, that is an apology. To others, “I’m sorry,” is just getting started. They want to hear, “I was wrong. I should not have done that. What can I do to make it up to you? I want..... Read More
People who grow up with low self-esteem, often find it difficult to apologize. To them, an apology seems to be a sign of weakness. In reality, apologizing enhances one’s self-esteem. People respect the man or woman who is willing to take responsibility for their own failures. Receiving the respect and admiration of others thus enhances..... Read More
When Dr. Jennifer Thomas and I wrote the book: The five languages of Apology, we discovered that some people almost never apologize. One wife said, “My husband rarely apologizes, because he doesn’t see a lot of what he does as wrong. He finds it hard to admit that he makes mistakes.” This husband is living..... Read More
Why is apologizing so hard? One husband said, “I know I did wrong, but so did she. In fact, she precipitated the whole thing. Why should I apologize when she’s the one who started it?” The problem with the waiting game is that the average lifespan for men and women is 75 years. How much..... Read More
If when you hug your spouse and they stiffen up, and it feels like you are hugging a tree, there’s a reason. Either physical touch is not their love language, or, they have a lot of resentment toward you because of your past behavior. The answer to the first is to discover their love language..... Read More
If your spouse complains, “I don’t think you would ever touch me if I didn’t initiate it,” they are telling you that ‘physical touch’ is their love language. What makes them feel loved is when you reach out and hold their hand as you walk across the parking lot, or give them a hug when..... Read More
Have you hugged your child today? Or, if you’re married, have you hugged your spouse today? How long has it been since you kissed each other? Physical touch is one of the five love languages. Some people grew up in homes were family members seldom touched each other. For these people, learning to speak the..... Read More
Physical touch is one of the five love languages. For some people, it is their primary love language. If you want them to feel loved, then give them a hug, or a pat on the back. This is true for children as well as adults. If a child’s love language is physical touch and you..... Read More
A while ago, I met an old friend whom I had not seen in a long time. Immediately, we hugged each other. Why? Because ‘touch’ is fundamental to who we are as humans. We speak of the ‘five senses’. One of the five is touch. It is one of the ways in which we experience..... Read More
We are creatures of desire. That is, we want certain things. Desires are usually expressed in terms of “I want, I wish, I hope, or I would like. In an intimate marriage, couples can share their desires without making demands. If my wife tells me that she would like a new dress for the party,..... Read More
Intimacy comes from a Latin word meaning ‘inner’. It is two people sharing the ‘inner self’. Marriage is meant to be an intimate relationship. Two of the things we share are our ‘thoughts’ and ‘emotions’. Emotions can’t be seen, but they can be revealed. When I say to my wife, “I’m feeling disappointed,” I have shared..... Read More
Ever notice how we interpret things differently? A husband walks in and sees the sink filled with dirty dishes. He reads a note on the table: “Darling, I am attending a program at church. May be late. Love you.” He may say to himself “lazy woman, she’s taking advantage of me – expecting me to..... Read More
Behind every verbally abusive tongue is a person of value. I know that’s hard to believe when you are hurt by exploding words, but it is true. Your spouse is an extremely valuable person, a person deeply loved by Christ. Of course, their verbally abusive behavior saddens the heart of God as it does your..... Read More
Most people who verbally abuse their spouse are saying more about their own needs that they are about their spouse’s character. The verbal abuser has a deep need for self-worth. They are unconsciously seeking to elevate themselves by putting down the spouse. Of course, this is not an acceptable way to build one’s self-esteem. The..... Read More
Verbal abuse is warfare. It employs the use of words as bombs and grenades designed to punish the other person, to place blame, or to justify one’s own actions or decisions. Abusive language is filled with poisonous put-downs which seek to make the other person feel badly, appear wrong, or look inadequate. Most people who..... Read More
Being a loving leader requires that we put our wives at the top of our priority list. Christ is our example. He loved the church and gave himself for it. The church is his priority. He shed his blood for the church. And now, as our ascended Savior, he prays for us. What a model!..... Read More
Leadership implies communication. The husband is to love and provide for his wife as Christ loves and cares for the church. But how can the husband do that if he doesn’t know her needs? Peter instructs, that we are to deal with our wives according to knowledge. This means we must take the initiative in..... Read More
The loving husband views his wife as a partner. A wife is not a trophy to be won in courtship and then placed on the wall for all to observe along with our ten-point buck. She is a living person with whom to have a relationship. She is not a person to be dominated and..... Read More
In the contemporary world, perhaps nowhere has confusion reigned more than in the area of the husband’s role in marriage. On one extreme is the concept of the dominant husband who makes all decisions and informs the wife as to what they are going to do, who does not tolerate questions from his wife or..... Read More
If you want to improve your marriage, and you are open to trying the radical teachings of Jesus, then the first step is get alone with God, and pray this prayer: “Lord, you know what I live with, and you know how they treat me. But I know that I’m not perfect and what I..... Read More
Improving a marriage is hard work, but the good news is, you can do it, because the first step is always yours. Jesus said: First get the beam out of your own eye and then you can help your spouse get the speck out of theirs. I know that someone is objecting: “But the beam..... Read More
Is there a marriage that doesn’t need help? I find that even couples with good marriages recognize that there‘s room for growth. And couples with troubled marriages are desperate for improvement. I’m convinced that you can have a better marriage. I’m also convinced that the key to improving your marriage is you. Oh, but you..... Read More
Question: Gary, we are a newlywed couple. My husband jokes about good-looking women, in front of me. I am offended. He says, “it doesn’t mean anything.” I’m having serious jealousy issues. Answer: You may both be right. It may not ‘mean anything’ to him. But, you are hurt and jealous. Those would be normal feelings...... Read More
When I wrote my book: The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, I was surprised to learn how many teens feel unloved by their parents. It’s not that the parents don’t love them. The problem is that the teen does not feel loved. When teenagers feel unloved, they are far more likely to become sexually active,..... Read More
The most significant influence on the life of a teenager comes from parents. It may surprise you, but it’s true. Oh, teens are influenced by their peers, but they are far more influenced by their parents. That is why we must be certain that we are having a positive influence. One teen said, “My father..... Read More
Question: Gary, my husband is a long haul truck driver and only home a short time. How can you have a growing marriage when you only see each other about 36 hours per week? Answer: First of all, think about our military couples who don’t see each other at all for 12 months. Marriage is..... Read More
Question: My girlfriend and I have been dating for 18 long hard months. She says that God told her I was to be her husband. But God has not told me. I don’t believe we are compatible. Should I give it more time or get out now. Answer: Eighteen months is a long time. If..... Read More
I think it is safe to say that in no generation has the task of parenting teenagers been more perplexing than at the present time. Teenage violence is no longer limited to the fictional world of movies. Many of the parents I meet are in the panic mode. Especially if their own teen is sexually..... Read More
I know of no spiritual discipline more important than a daily quiet time with God – reading the scriptures with an open heart to hear the voice of God and responding with my questions, my praise, my thanks, and my requests. As a marriage counselor, I know of no marital discipline more important than a..... Read More
Question: We are newly married; second marriage for my husband, third for me. I feel like he should add me to his checking. However, he has never mentioned it. I feel like a child who has to ask for an allowance. What should I do? Answer: Talk about it. The fact that you are newly..... Read More
Question: I am in a dating relationship which has moved out of the “tingly” love stage. How do I know that I am still in love with this person as we transition into the love languages stage? Answer: Actually, you are far more likely to make a wise decision about marriage if you have dated..... Read More
Do you listen when your spouse is talking? There is an ancient Hebrew proverb that says, “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.” So many times we are re-loading our guns while our spouse is talking. We can’t wait until they finish so we can make our points. Are..... Read More
All of us know couples who seem to have a genuine sense of “oneness”. Unfortunately, most of us know couples who seem unable to “get it together.” The major difference between those two types of couples is that one has developed positive patterns of communication while the other has not. One makes time for conversation,..... Read More
Question: My fiancé always checks out girls while he is with me. I feel like I am disappearing and feel very insulted. Should I break up the relationship? Answer: Perhaps! It all depends on how he responds when you share your feelings with him. I assume you have shared your feelings. If not, you need..... Read More
Question: We haven’t even been married 2 years yet and my husband is telling his friends he wants a divorce after every fight. Do you think he means it? What should I do? Answer: Yes, the thought of divorce is in his mind. No one likes conflicts that end in ‘fights’ or ‘arguments’. When things..... Read More
The scriptures indicate that in marriage the ‘two become one’. This does not mean that we lose our individuality, but it does mean that we share our lives with each other. The typical husband and wife spend many hours each day geographically separated from each other. Simply coming into the same house at the end..... Read More
Do you have a daily quiet time with God? How about a daily quiet time with your spouse? Most of us believe that a daily quiet time with God keeps our relationship with God vital and genuine. I believe the same is true in the marital relationship. Couples who have an intimate marriage are those..... Read More
Question: Our son and daughter-in-law will not allow us to see the grandchildren. It stemmed from something my husband did last summer. He is not willing to apologize. What can I do? Answer: That question makes me sad. I can hardly imagine having no contact with my grandchildren. I am empathetic with this wife. I..... Read More
Question: I’m engaged to someone who has a child from a former marriage. It bothers me. Will I ever get over the mistakes he made when he was younger? Answer: Probably not. This is one reason why second marriages are so difficult. I don’t mean you can’t learn to deal with it, but it will..... Read More
Adults and youth alike are attracted to the young man who goes out of his way to serve others. True greatness is found in serving. No parents challenge their children to be like Hitler, while thousands challenge their children to be like Jesus. The hallmark of Jesus was service to others. Peter said of Him,..... Read More
Did you wake up this morning and ask yourself: “How can I serve my spouse today?” If you did, you probably live in a healthy family. Nothing stimulates a positive family atmosphere like an attitude of service. And, if you have it, it is contagious. Your children will pick up on it and your spouse..... Read More
Question: Why is it that husbands and wives seldom have the same love language? Wouldn’t it be easier if we did? Answer: Let me answer the second question first: Yes, it would be easier if couples both had the same language. However, I’ve noted that when this is the case, they usually have preferred dialects..... Read More
Question: My fiancé and I have been fighting almost daily about all sorts of things. The amount of arguing is beginning to worry me. Is this going to be a problem in our marriage? Yes, if you don’t solve the issue now. Engagement should be a time to discover differences, and find solutions. All couples..... Read More
In the early years of my marriage, I didn’t know much about serving. I knew what I expected of my wife and I was disappointed when she did not live up to my expectations. I’m sure she must have been just as frustrated with me, because I know that I did not meet her expectations...... Read More
The essential ingredient in a healthy family is learning to serve each other. Jesus said about Himself, “I did not come to be served, but to serve.” In a healthy family, that will be the attitude of the husband, the wife, and the children. Young children want to serve. What mother has not heard these..... Read More
Question: We’ve been married for 2 months and I just found out that my husband is using drugs and gambling. What now? Answer: I know this doesn’t help, but for the sake of our listeners I must ask the question: Did you not see this before you got married? To the singles who are listening:..... Read More
In a culture which worships at the altar of sex, the Christian must take care not to over-react and view sex as something sinful. The truth is that Hollywood did not invent sex. A holy God, totally separate from sin, made us sexual beings. We must not relinquish the sanctity of sex because some have..... Read More
As a pastor, I’m asked to officiate weddings for couples who have lived together before deciding to marry. Does your book: Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, apply to such couples? Answer: The short answer is, “Yes”. The longer answer is that couples who live together before getting married are no better..... Read More
Gary, Jesus said that we are to forgive 70 X 7. Does that mean with an apology or without an apology? My wife never apologizes and I’m having a hard time dealing with the hurt. Answer: We are to forgive others as God forgives us. So, how does God forgive us? The Scriptures say, “If..... Read More
Marital separation sometimes brings a temporary sense of ‘peace’. One husband said, “This is the first week of peace I’ve had for years.” Of course, he felt peace; he had left the battlefield. However, retreat is not the road to victory. You must come from that retreat with a renewed determination to defeat the enemy..... Read More
When marriages fall apart, where do we go for help? The Christian turns to God because we know that He cares. The Bible is God’s clearest voice for guidance. And the Bible calls us to repentance and reconciliation. Notice I said repentance. There can be no reconciliation without repentance. In marriage, this calls for mutual..... Read More
Do you know the five love languages of children? They are: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. One of those five is the primary love language of your child. If you don’t speak that language, your child will not feel loved. This does not mean that you speak only..... Read More
Every child has a special way of receiving love. When Dr. Ross Campbell and I wrote the book: The Five Love Languages of Children, we discovered that children understand love in five basic ways: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and acts of service. If you have several children, chances are they each..... Read More
Most parents love their children, but many children do not feel loved. When children don’t feel loved, they do poorly in school, they don’t respond well to discipline, and they are filled with anger. I believe that inside every child is an emotional love tank. When the tank is full: that is, the child feels..... Read More
Dr. Judith Wallerstein has studied the topic of divorce for more than 20 years. Here are her conclusions. “People want to believe that divorce will relieve all their stresses – back we go to square one and begin our lives anew. But divorce does not wipe the slate clean…Few adults anticipate accurately what lies ahead..... Read More
Have you ever accused your spouse of something they didn’t do? I once accused my wife of miss-placing my briefcase, when in fact, I left it at my office. What do you do about false accusations? Ignore them and hope your spouse will forget? Not if you want a loving marriage. Every time you ignore..... Read More
How are screens affecting your child? Here is the ABC test for parents; Attitude – What attitude does my child have after the screen time? Behavior – How does the content encourage my child to behave? Character – What character traits are being modeled and picked up? Screens can be a friend or an enemy..... Read More
You dreamed of a marriage where each made the other supremely happy. Now one of you has walked out. Separation is not the time to capitulate. Your dream can live again. But not without work – work that will demand listening, understanding, discipline and change. That work will likely involve the help of an outside..... Read More
When I counsel couples, I sometimes ask them to write for me the things they dislike about their spouse. You should see the lists. Some have to request additional paper. A bit later, I ask them to list for me what they consider to be their own weaknesses. Usually, they can think of one right..... Read More
When your spouse walks out, is there still hope for your marriage? Separation does not equal divorce. Separation may be the valley of restoration, and the pain you feel may be the labor pains that will give rebirth to your marriage. What happens will be determined by what you and your spouse say and do..... Read More
In my 35 years as a marriage counselor, I’ve drawn one conclusion: Everyone wishes their spouse would change. “We could have a good marriage if he would just help me around the house.” Or, “Our marriage would be great if we could have sex more than once a month.” She wants him to change and..... Read More
After two years of research, Arlene Pellicane and I wrote a book entitled: Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen Driven World. One of our suggestions is that you create digital-free zones for your family. For example: Don’t allow phones or screens during mealtimes. Here are some questions to make the meal time..... Read More
On a scale of 0 – 10, how much appreciation do you feel from your supervisor? How about your co-workers? Employees and volunteers perform better if they feel appreciated. It is not enough to express appreciation, it must be expressed in a way that is meaningful to the employee. Here are the five languages of..... Read More
What social skills are you seeking to develop in your children and grand- children? May I suggest five essential skills needed by every child. 1. How to receive and show affection 2. How to express appreciation. 3. The skill of anger management. Few things are more important than learning how to handle anger. 4. The..... Read More
During infancy, a child does not distinguish between milk and tenderness, between solid food and love. Without food a child will starve. Without love, a child will starve emotionally and can become impaired for life. A great deal of research indicates that the emotional foundation of life is laid in the first eighteen months of..... Read More
Over the past 35 years, I have counseled many couples who were contemplating divorce. The one scripture that always comes to my mind is Gal. 6:7. “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.” God gives us real freedom, but we are never free from..... Read More
I love you, no matter what!” This is unconditional love, and it is what children crave. Don’t withhold your love from a child when they miss-behave. Does this sound like permissiveness? It is not. Rather, it is doing first things first. A child’s emotional love tank must be filled before any effective training or discipline..... Read More
Do you know what your children are watching on TV or on-line? I want to share 4 questions that every parent should ask. (1) What factual data is my child learning from this program? (2) What kind of character traits is this program seeking to promote? (3) How does this program treat family members? (does..... Read More
Does divorce seem like the best alternative to you? If so, I hope you’ll read my book – Desperate Marriages. Divorce, unlike death, does not end contact with the other person, especially if you have children. Nor is divorce a pretty picture financially. Research indicates that 73 % of divorced women experience a decline in..... Read More
There are three radical and negative approaches to a troubled marriage: suicide, homicide, and divorce. The first two are considered unthinkable by intelligent, mentally healthy people. On the other hand, divorce is often seen as a humane way of ending the pain of an unhealthy marriage. Some have divorced two, three or more times and..... Read More
Recently, I teamed up with Arlene Pellicane and wrote a book entitled: “Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen Driven World”. Our research led us to amazing insights. Did you know that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents avoid television viewing and screen time for children under 2 years of age?..... Read More
Do you feel like giving up on your marriage? I’ve been counseling people with marital struggles for over thirty years. And, often they have no hope. They are living in very difficult marriages. I am under no illusion that I can give a magic formula to bring healing to all such marriages, but I do..... Read More
Many couples are at a stalemate because they have allowed a wall to develop between them. Walls are erected one block at a time. It may be as small as failing to take out the garbage or as large as failing to meet sexual needs. Instead of dealing with the failure, we ignore it. The..... Read More
You can’t create a perfect marriage, but you can have a better marriage. And it all begins with you. Most of us think that if our spouse would change, we would have a better marriage. But that’s the wrong place to start. Begin my identifying your own failures. Confess these to God and then to..... Read More
Ever notice how we interpret things differently? A husband walks in and sees the sink filled with dirty dishes. He reads a note on the table: “Darling, I am attending a program at church. May be late. Love you.” He may say to himself “lazy woman, she’s taking advantage of me – expecting me to..... Read More
Hear the words of Paul the apostle, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Put that concept into your marriage and you will be well on the..... Read More
Some couples have never learned how to make decisions together. So, they make decisions independently and try to force their decision on the spouse. This will never create a healthy marriage. We all have personal thoughts, feelings, and desires. Sometimes these clash with those of our spouse. Welcome to the human race. There is nothing..... Read More
Team members who cannot agree on the game plan will never be winners. God said of Adam, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Therefore, God created a ‘helper suitable for him.’ The word ‘suitable’ means ‘one perfectly matched.’ The word ‘helper’ implies that the wife is to be actively involved with her..... Read More
The way a couple makes decisions can make or break a marriage. The husband-dictator style has destroyed the creative spirit of many wives. The mother-superior attitude has made children out of many husbands. Neither of these patterns is biblical, but many Christians have accepted them as normal. Marriage is meant to be two persons who..... Read More
Separation does not equal divorce. Sometimes separation is an act of love. Love says, “I love you too much to help you do wrong. I will not sit here and let you destroy yourself and me. Therefore, I’m moving out. If you want to make our lives better, then I am willing to go to..... Read More
Recently, I have had a great burden for Military marriages. So often with long and frequent deployments, marriages suffer. My concern led me to publish a Military Edition of The Five Love Languages. It is designed to help couples stay emotionally connected while they are deployed. The book is filled with practical ways to speak..... Read More
On this day we celebrate our Independence as a nation. Most Americans will agree that we are a divided nation. It is not as though we have not been here before. The Civil War found brother fighting against brother. Today, our weapons are not guns and cannons, but words and deeds that seek to destroy..... Read More
When people disobey God, they hurt not only themselves, but others. In a marriage, sinful behavior will fracture the relationship. What are we to do when a spouse persists in destructive behavior? In Matthew chapter 18 Jesus teaches three levels of confrontation. Tell the spouse how their behavior is affecting you. Request change. If they..... Read More
Tomorrow is July the Fourth. The fireworks will fill the skies. But I want to ask you a question. Will there be any fireworks in your marriage? I’m not talking about arguments. I’m talking about romantic love. What many couples do not understand is that romantic love has two stages. The first, is the euphoric..... Read More
When is the last time you prayed for military marriages? These young men and women live under tremendous stress. One military wife said to me, “When my husband is deployed, and I hear a car door slam outside my house, I listen carefully to hear if a second car door slams. Because I know that..... Read More
Some things are not acceptable in a Christian marriage. When physical abuse, sexual unfaithfulness, sexual abuse of children, alcoholism, or drug addiction persist in a marriage, it is time to take loving action. In fact, one is not loving when he or she accepts such behavior as a way of life. This behavior is destroying..... Read More
Love is not always meek and mild. Sometimes love is firm and tough, but it is no less love. Consider Jesus’ response to the money changers in the temple. They had turned from prayer to profit and Jesus did not sit idly by. When certain men turned religion into racketeering, He insisted that they leave..... Read More
You cannot have an intimate marriage without communication, for one simple reason: only you know you. The word intimacy comes from the Latin word intimus meaning ‘inner’. Therefore, intimacy comes from sharing the ‘inner person’ – your thoughts, feelings, and desires. You are the only one who knows what is going on inside of you...... Read More
A lady once asked me, “Is there ever a time to stop loving your spouse?” I responded with a question, “Why do you ask?” “My husband physically and verbally abused me for eight years. He refused to work. I supported the family for 7 years. Then I got sick. Even then, he refused to get..... Read More
If you have lost the intimacy in your marriage, it’s time to call in the wrecking crew. That’s right, it’s time to demolish the wall between the two of you. And the most effective tool for demolition is – confession. Oh, I know it’s not all your fault. But no one is perfect. So, put..... Read More
“I just don’t understand it,” she said. “Before marriage, I felt so close to Rob. We shared everything. He was so kind and tender and understanding. But now, all of that is gone. I just don’t know him anymore. He is not the man I married.” What happened to the intimacy between this husband and..... Read More
“We don’t ever do anything together anymore; he’s always gone. Our communication is almost non-existant.” That was her perspective. But he had a different story. He said, “If we could get our sex life straightened out, everything else would be fine.” What they didn’t realize is that they were both asking for the same thing..... Read More
Marriage was designed for intimacy. God’s response to Adam’s loneliness was the creation of Eve, and the institution of marriage. Then God said, the “two shall become one flesh”. At the very heart of marriage is this idea of oneness, or unity. As God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are One, so in marriage..... Read More
Some parents have asked me, “Do we only need to speak the child’s primary love language or do we need to speak all five?” My answer is that the children who fare best in life are the children who learn to give and receive love in all five love languages. First, make sure you are..... Read More
What do your children request most often? Listen to their requests and you will discover their love language. If your child says, “Does my dress look nice?” Or, “Did I do a good job on my homework?” Their love language is ‘words of affirmation.’ If on the other hand, a child says, “Mommy can I..... Read More
We hear a great deal about physical abuse, but what about verbal abuse. The scriptures say that “life and death are in the power of the tongue.” Verbal abuse destroys respect, trust, admiration, and intimacy – all key ingredients of a healthy marriage. All of us sometimes say harsh cutting words that we later regret...... Read More
Does your marriage seem hopeless? Does Your relationship feel desperate? As a marriage counselor, I find many individuals who have given up on their marriage. I’m empathetic with their hopelessness. I know that when you do everything you can to stimulate change and nothing changes, it’s easy to lose hope. However, we can, and do..... Read More
Do you have children who are getting married? The scriptures say that they are to ‘leave’ you and ‘cleave’ to each other. What are the implications of that for you? You must make it easy for them to leave. Don’t demand that they call you daily and keep you informed. Give them time and space..... Read More
If your father-in-law gave you a really good suggestion that would save you much time and make your life much easier, would you accept it? Or, would you reject it simply because it came from your father-in-law? If you follow the biblical example of Moses, you would accept it. Let’s face it, your parents and..... Read More
“Honor your father and your mother” is one of the ten commandments. It is not rescinded when we get married. We are told to ‘leave’ our parents, but that does not mean that we stop honoring them. Our parents gave us life. We are deeply indebted to them. Even if they were not the best..... Read More
The scriptures say that when we get married we are to ‘leave’ our parents and ‘cleave’ to each other. What does this leaving and cleaving look like in daily life? It means that we no longer ‘lean’ on our parents, but on each other. It means that we do not allow parents to dominate our..... Read More
For better and sometimes for worse, our parents and in-laws are a part of our lives. God designed it that way. We are told to honor our parents so that life will go well for us. We are also instructed to leave our parents when we get married. This ‘leaving’ means a change of allegiance...... Read More
In the midst of hard financial times, one wife said, “What we have discovered is that we can live on a whole lot less than we thought. It has really brought our family closer together. Now that we no longer have cable TV we are pulling out the games we used to play when the..... Read More
Many would agree that these are troubled financial times. Many families are living under financial pressure. But for the Christian, money is to be our servant, not our security blanket. For many non-Christians, money is a sign of success. All of their decisions are made in response to the question, “What offers the greatest financial..... Read More
One of the benefits of trusting in God is that we don’t have to worry about money. Jesus made this abundantly clear when He said, “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear….Your heavenly Father knows what you need. But seek first His..... Read More
Have you ever considered making God your business partner? Many couples have made foolish financial decisions because they left God out of the process. Those who seek God’s wisdom and make financial decisions based on principles revealed in Scripture will save themselves much heartache. We are at our best when we cooperate with God. R.G...... Read More
In today’s economy, it might be helpful to remember the words that are printed on our money. “In God we trust!” No matter how much money we have, it is still “in God we trust.” To trust in money to give life meaning is to trust in an idol. C.S. Lewis said, “One of the..... Read More
What do you say or do when you apologize to someone? For some, it’s “I’m sorry.” To them, that is an apology. To others, “I’m sorry,” is just getting started. They want to hear, “I was wrong. I should not have done that. What can I do to make it up to you? I want..... Read More
People who grow up with low self-esteem, often find it difficult to apologize. To them, an apology seems to be a sign of weakness. In reality, apologizing enhances one’s self-esteem. People respect the man or woman who is willing to take responsibility for their own failures. Receiving the respect and admiration of others thus enhances..... Read More
When Dr. Jennifer Thomas and I wrote the book: The five languages of Apology, we discovered that some people almost never apologize. One wife said, “My husband rarely apologizes, because he doesn’t see a lot of what he does as wrong. He finds it hard to admit that he makes mistakes.” This husband is living..... Read More
Why is apologizing so hard? One husband said, “I know I did wrong, but so did she. In fact, she precipitated the whole thing. Why should I apologize when she’s the one who started it?” The problem with the waiting game is that the average life span for men and women is 75 years. How..... Read More
If when you hug your spouse and they stiffen up, and it feels like you are hugging a tree, there’s a reason. Either physical touch is not their love language, or, they have a lot of resentment toward you because of your past behavior. The answer to the first is to discover their love language..... Read More
If your spouse complains, “I don’t think you would ever touch me if I didn’t initiate it,” they are telling you that ‘physical touch’ is their love language. What makes them feel loved is when you reach out and hold their hand as you walk across the parking lot, or give them a hug when..... Read More
Have you hugged your child today? Or, if you’re married, have you hugged your spouse today? How long has it been since you kissed each other? Physical touch is one of the five love languages. Some people grew up in homes were family members seldom touched each other. For these people, learning to speak the..... Read More
Physical touch is one of the five love languages. For some people, it is their primary love language. If you want them to feel loved, then give them a hug, or a pat on the back. This is true for children as well as adults. If a child’s love language is physical touch and you..... Read More
A while ago, I met an old friend whom I had not seen in a long time. Immediately, we hugged each other. Why? Because ‘touch’ is fundamental to who we are as humans. We speak of the ‘five senses’. One of the five is touch. It is one of the ways in which we experience..... Read More
We are creatures of desire. That is, we want certain things. Desires are usually expressed in terms of “I want…, I wish…I hope… or I would like… In an intimate marriage couples can share their desires without making demands. If my wife tells me that she would like a new dress for the party, then..... Read More
For some, the words loving and leader are anomalies; some people cannot conceive of the two concepts working in tandem. Their idea of leadership is the authoritarian dictator who rules with an iron fist, and their concept of love is mushy and weak. But in the Bible, the husband fits neither of these stereotypes. On..... Read More
Money was the monkey in the middle of my marriage. Thankfully, over the course of the last five years, we’ve learned to “play nice” and tame the taunting wild beast called the budget. How we got money out of the middle: We created a budget that we both agreed upon that included a bit of..... Read More
Q: Gary, when a relationship has weathered several trials, and then a partner suddenly “sees the light” and starts changing (for the better), how does one go about trusting that the change is real?” Gary: Well you won’t know ultimately until you give it some time. Why not hope for the best instead of saying,..... Read More
Q: Gary, is it really possible to have a strong marriage even though we come from broken homes? Gary: You know, one of the realities of our culture is that thousands of people come from broken homes. Can we have a good marriage if we did not see one growing up? I believe we can...... Read More
Q: Gary, I am recently divorced and have just discovered the 5LL. I haven’t been speaking his. We are still in touch. Can I still save something of our marriage? Gary: You know I have many people who share this sentiment: they wish they had discovered their love languages much earlier. But if you..... Read More
Though the word apology, as we know it, does not exist in the New Testament, an absence of the specific word does not indicate an absence of the concept. Scripture provides lessons for how to do this well and demonstrates that there is more to making an apology than what we often hear in popular..... Read More
Q: Gary, I’m engaged, but the “in-love” phase seems to already be ending. How can we maintain the ‘openness’ in our relationship? Gary: I’m glad you’re acknowledging that the “in-love” feelings are fading; if you’ve dated long enough, they’re bound to fade before you get married. That’s where the 5 Love Languages can really..... Read More
Some people don’t solve conflicts because they would rather win an argument than find a solution. Did you ever stop to think that if you win the argument, your spouse lost the argument. It’s no fun to be a loser or to live with a loser. So, why create one? Arguments seldom lead to a..... Read More
If you want to have a healthy marriage, you must learn to listen. Listening leads to understanding. Once I understand what my spouse is thinking and feeling, I can have a meaningful response. When I speak before I listen, I’m simply throwing words into the wind. May I give you a practical suggestion? When your..... Read More
Many people view marriage as a contract. “I’ll do this if you will do that.” But the Bible views marriage as a covenant. “I will look out for your wellbeing no matter how you treat me. I view our marriage as a permanent relationship. I will not walk out on you. Because I love you, I will..... Read More
Merry Christmas! Webster says, that ‘merry’ implies uninhibited enjoyment of frolic, festivity, or fun. In addition freshness and buoyancy as manifest in singing, leaping, and dancing. That’s what I wish for you on this Christmas day. That’s what the shepherds did. Luke says, “The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they..... Read More
Humility is the mark of a true Christian. Jesus humbled himself when he became a man. Humility is stepping down so someone else can step up. It can be exhibited in small ways such as allowing someone else to go before you in the check out line. Or larger ways such as donating a kidney..... Read More
One of the marks of a loving person is courtesy. The popular conception of courtesy is to be well mannered. However, the word courtesy is much richer; it means to be ‘friendly minded’. To treat everyone as though they were a friend. Courtesy is rooted in the belief that behind every face is a person..... Read More
Many people say that the United States of America is the greatest nation on earth. Whatever our limitations we have been greatly blessed of God. This nation has faced many crises in the past. Today we face a growing and illusive enemy that seeks to destroy America in the name of religion. Ours has been..... Read More
Do you tend to hold things inside instead of sharing your thoughts and feelings? One wife said, “He came home one day and told me he was leaving. I could not believe it. I had no idea that it was that bad.” How does this happen in a marriage? Or, in a friendship? It happens..... Read More
As the new year progresses, I want to take you back to the first chapter of the Bible. “The Lord God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” Do you find it interesting that God ordained work before the Fall of Man? Work..... Read More
This is a good day for reflection. We stand on a threshold of new opportunities. Are you pleased with the way you invested your time and energies last year? Are there changes you need to make in your life as you move into 2014? Do you need to add some activities and drop others? Family,..... Read More
Q: I am a very orderly person and my husband is not. I am very frustrated having to always clean up after him. Suggestions? Gary Chapman: To me, this calls for requests, not demands. If he can respond to the request, things will become much easier. However, there will be some things that he will..... Read More
Q: How do we build a “team” culture when I rarely see my colleagues? Dr. Paul White: Having team-members work from a variety of settings is extremely common in organizations. As a result, building a sense of “team” can be a challenge and often needs to be done intentionally. One aspect leaders often forget is,..... Read More
Q: Your books on marriage seem to be geared toward younger people. Do your principles apply to older people as well? Gary Chapman: Well, I agree that some of my books are geared more toward younger couples, but many of my books are geared to couples of any age. For example, it doesn’t matter whether..... Read More
Q: What if I’m speaking all of my wife’s love languages but she’s not speaking mine in return? Gary Chapman: Well, if you truly are speaking her love language and if she genuinely feels your love. then you can make requests of her. You can say, “Honey, you know something that I’d like for you..... Read More
Q: I think my wife’s love language is Acts of Service. But she always complains that I don’t do a good enough job at the things I do for her. Why is this? Gary Chapman: Here’s a clue: In whatever project she would like for you to do, whether it be vacuuming floors, washing dishes,..... Read More
Q: My husband disrespects me. How do I deal with this? Gary Chapman: All of us need to feel loved and appreciated. When we don’t feel appreciated or respected, being put down again and again by our spouse makes us feel that they think we’re inferior. It’s difficult to live like that. There’s two approaches...... Read More
Q: As a military spouse I struggle with fear and worry about my husband who is on active duty. How can I find peace? Gary Chapman: Spiritual help is probably the greatest help in this situation. I think the answer lies in the biblical concept of praying about everything, which will help you to not worry about..... Read More
Q: I’m in the military and I’m about to be deployed. How can my wife and I prepare? Gary Chapman: I think the first thing that you need to do is acknowledge that you’re going to have to work together to find a new way to relate to each other. This is where I think..... Read More
Q: As a pastor, what can my congregation and I do to help military couples in our church? Gary Chapman: I wish more pastors were asking that question because churches are often not aware of the needs military couples have. They face challenges that civilian couples do not, and as a result suffer a higher..... Read More
Q: My husband got a zero for physical touch on your online quiz and I got a zero. How do I deal with it? Gary Chapman: He must learn how to reach out and give you the kind of touches that communicate love to you—just as you must learn to speak his love language. It..... Read More
We all make mistakes. Some of us are willing to admit it and apologize. Others deny, or rationalize their wrong behavior. I agree with Dr. Spencer Johnson who said, “Few things are more powerful than having the common sense, wisdom, and strength to admit when you’ve made a mistake and to set things right.” If you..... Read More
Q: My fiancée and I are at odds over our upcoming wedding budget. We don’t have much to work with, but she is willing to go into debt. How much is too much? A: In our culture, we’ve tended to exult the wedding and minimize the wedding. The marriage is far more important than the wedding. The..... Read More
Q: My husband is a very “social” person and seems to flirt with other women. It’s driving me crazy and I don’t know how to deal with it. A: If there are certain things that your husband is doing that causes you discomfort, I think those need to be shared with him (not in a condemning..... Read More
Q: We have friends who got married years ago because of an unplanned pregnancy. After 20 years they are now talking about divorcing. Is there still hope for them? A: I don’t think it has to do with the fact that they got married because she was pregnancy. I think it has to do with the fact..... Read More
Q: Do you have a certified course of study for the 5LL for those wanting to teach? A: I’m asked this question from time to time by people who are teachers. That is they are used by God to teach other people various topics. So when they discover the Five Love Languages and want people to..... Read More
Q: My wife says that certain kinds of fighting (instead of being passive) can be good for a relationship. Do you agree? A: It depends on what you mean by fighting. If you’re talking about physically hitting each other, then no that’s not good. But I don’t think that’s what your wife is talking about. I..... Read More
Q: I’m having a hard time separating from thoughts and feelings from past relationships. I’m dating seriously now and want to be able to focus solely on her. A: This a common problem. Everything we’ve experienced in the past is recorded in our brain. And when we’ve had intimate relationships in the past, sometimes even involving..... Read More
Q: Every year my wife and I butt heads on whose family we’d prefer to be with. If we can’t visit both, how do we resolve this? A: Well, you’re talking about a common holiday problem in the early years of marriage. But it sounds like you haven’t gotten it solved yet even though you’ve been..... Read More
I know of no spiritual discipline more important than a daily quiet time with God—reading the scriptures with an open heart to hear the voice of God and responding with my questions, my praise, my thanks, and my requests. As a marriage counselor, I know of no marital discipline more important than a daily sharing time with..... Read More
Do you have a daily quiet time with God? How about a daily quite time with your spouse? Most of us believe that a daily quiet time with God keeps our relationship with God vital and genuine. I believe the same is true in the marital relationship. Couples who have an intimate marriage are those who stay connected...... Read More
A: The short answer is “yes.” I’m often asked that. People will say, “It seems to me that two of those languages are just about equal for me.” And I say, “Fine, we’ll call you bilingual.” But most people have a primary love language, a secondary love language and then the other three fall in..... Read More
In your marriage, are you a preacher, or are you sitting in the congregation? As a pastor, I’ve always been amazed how people can listen to me preach and have no response. But this happens in many marriages. One is a talker, sharing their thoughts, feelings, desires, and frustrations, while the other has no response. Now don’t get me..... Read More
Q: How can my girlfriend and I speak each others’ Love Languages when in a long-distance relationship? A: I think the key here is to understand that these languages can be spoken long distance. Words of Affirmation is easy because you can talk on the phone or email. Quality Time is a little more difficult but..... Read More
Q: How do I get my husband to read the 5LL? A: I suggest you start speaking what you think is his primary love language, speak it regularly and then ask him for something that would be your love lanaugage. And because he’s feeling your love, he’ll probably respond to your request. Then, every week..... Read More
Q: Where is the line on Physical Touch before marriage? I think some think this refers only to sex. A: This is a good question. I cannot give a categoric answer for everyone but I can give you some suggestions. Certainly, sexual intercourse should be off limits for a couple who is dating. But I think..... Read More
During infancy, a child does not distinguish between milk and tenderness, between solid food and love. Without food a child will starve. Without love, a child will starve emotionally and can become impaired for life. A great deal of research indicates that the emotional foundation of life is laid in the first eighteen months of..... Read More
Q: How do I speak Acts of Service to my boyfriend who lives at a distance? A: Well my question would be: How do you express Acts of Service to your boyfriend when you are together. Obviously, it depends on the individual couple. But if you are living in the same town, for example, do..... Read More
Q: My wife loves to participate in Halloween activities every year but I feel like it is celebrating dangerous things. What do you think? A: You know, Christians have different opinions on Halloween. Some think, “This is a totally pagan holiday. Christians shouldn’t be involved at all.” Others recognize it simply as a culture phenomenon; a..... Read More
Q: Should the man in a marriage be the soul bread winner? A: Many women would think that would be nice but other women would say, “no, I want to be working.” The reality is, in today’s world, over 50% of the wives work outside of the home at a paying job. There is certainly..... Read More
Dr. Judith Wallerstein has studied the topic of divorce for more than 20 years. Here are her conclusions. “People want to believe that divorce will relieve all their stresses—back we go to square one and begin our lives anew. But divorce does not wipe the slate clean…Few adults anticipate accurately what lies ahead when they..... Read More
Q: My husband and I have the exact same love language. Why do we feel disconnected? A: Many times, if a couple happens to have the same love languages, they have different dialects within those languages. So, you still think that what makes you feel loved makes them feel loved. The best way to handle..... Read More
Q: How do I learn to forgive my husband for lying about his past? A: I think one of the most difficult things to get over is a spouse who lies to you about their past. I think, however, you can forgive for that. There has to be genuine repentance, they have to acknowledge to..... Read More
There are three radical and negative approaches to a troubled marriage: suicide, homicide, and divorce. The first two are considered unthinkable by intelligent, mentally healthy people. On the other hand, divorce is often seen as a humane way of ending the pain of an unhealthy marriage. Some have divorced two, three or more times and..... Read More
Do you feel like giving up on your marriage? I’ve been counseling people with marital struggles for over thirty years and often they have no hope. They are living in very difficult marriages. I am under no illusion that I can give a magic formula to bring healing to all such marriages, but I do..... Read More
Q: “Is there a checklist or time frame that’s realistic for knowing when to get married?” A: Many people, I think, marry far too soon. They don’t know each other well enough and haven’t explored the foundations for building a marriage—for example, learning how to handle anger in a realtionship. Not necessarily in your relationship..... Read More
Many couples are at a stalemate because they have allowed a wall to develop between them. Walls are erected one block at a time. It may be as small as failing to take out the garbage or as large as failing to meet sexual needs. Instead of dealing with the failure, we ignore it. The..... Read More
Q: My husband is resorting to “tests” to prove my devotion. How can I make him more secure in our relationship? A: When a spouse is putting you to the test and saying, “If you love me you would…” or “You don’t love me because you don’t…” They’re telling you that they are not getting..... Read More
Q: Is it harder to fill some people’s love tanks than others? A: Well that depends on what you’re love language is. If Words of Affirmation is not your language, and let’s say it’s number five for you, then it’ll be difficult for you to learn how to speak Words of Affirmation. If there’s a..... Read More
Q: I’m starting to regret my decision to be a full-time stay-at-home dad. My wife works very hard but my gift is really not staying home with the kids. Advice? A: This is a role that many wives have struggled with in the past. They stay home with the children and, because they have been..... Read More
In my thirty years as a marriage counselor, I’ve drawn one conclusion: Everyone wishes their spouse would change. “We could have a good marriage if he would just help me around the house.” Or “Our marriage would be great if we could have sex more than once a month.” She wants him to change and..... Read More
Sometimes we hurt people and don’t realize it. Good marriages are fostered by expressing regret even when we didn’t intend to hurt them. If you bump someone getting off an elevator, you probably say, “I’m sorry.” Why would you not do that with your spouse? “I’m sorry that my behavior caused you so much pain...... Read More
There are two approaches: You can either try to change him or change yourself. It is not life threatening for his clothes to lie around the house. I know you’re organized and that it hurts you when things are not in their place. However, you can work on yourself in accepting a little more messiness...... Read More
The short answer is to make sure you know her love language and give her heavy doses of her primary love language. But let me remind you that teenagers often withdraw from their parents socially, emotionally and intellectually. It’s a part of growing up and moving toward independence. So some of that is going to..... Read More
“I’m sorry but if you had not provoked me, I would not have lost my temper.” That is not an apology. It is blaming your spouse for your poor behavior. Sincere regret needs to stand alone. It should not be followed with “But…” One husband said, “Her apologies always come across as attacks on me...... Read More
A: Set time limits. Giver her thirty minutes a night to talk about whatever she wants to talk about. But let her know that when the 30 minutes are over, the conversation is over. Since she knows that you’ll be back tomorrow night for another 30 minutes, she’ll stop. She’s getting what she wants–quality conversations..... Read More
Perhaps you’ve said “I’m sorry” but your spouse is finding it hard to forgive you. So you feel frustrated and are saying to yourself, “I apologized, what else can I do?” If you’re serious, I’ll tell you. Ask your spouse this question: “What can I do to make this up to you? I know I..... Read More
Did the movie Love Story get it right when it advised us that true love means never having to say, “I’m sorry?” I don’t think so, for one simple reason—we are all human. And humans are not perfect. All of us end up hurting the person we love the most. Having a good marriage does..... Read More
Q: My son will be getting married soon. What are the biggest mistakes new couples make and how can I advise my son to avoid them? A: I think the biggest mistake is allowing our own ideas to be the idea. So when we get into a difference of opinion, we assume our side is..... Read More
Q: Is it wrong to drink alcohol? I have friends in my church who tell me it’s wrong, but I grew up in a family where it was a part of life. A: The Bible does not say, “Thou shalt not drink alcohol.” The Bible does say, “Thou shalt not get drunk;” The Bible is very..... Read More
What I would say turned it around is this: I finally said to God, “I don’t know what else to do and when I said that, I had a visual image of Jesus on His knees washing the feet of His followers. And I heard God say to me, “that’s the problem in your marriage...... Read More
What I would say turned it around is this: I finally said to God, “I don’t know what else to do and when I said that, I had a visual image of Jesus on His knees washing the feet of His followers. And I heard God say to me, “that’s the problem in your marriage...... Read More
If your father-in-law gave you a really good suggestion that would save you much time and make your life much easier, would you accept it? Or would you reject it simply because it came from your father-in-law? If you follow the biblical example of Moses, you would accept it. Let’s face it, your parents and..... Read More
Well I must confess that I sometimes have the same feeling when I simply walk around in public places and see young ladies or teenagers dressed in ways that are very provocative. I want to take this question as an opportunity to say to parents: Please understand the difference between males and females. Men are..... Read More
Well I must confess that I sometimes have the same feeling when I simply walk around in public places and see young ladies or teenagers dressed in ways that are very provocative. I want to take this question as an opportunity to say to parents: Please understand the difference between males and females. Men are..... Read More
Next Monday is Memorial Day. Whatever our view of war, we pause to pay tribute to those who fought for freedom and paid the ultimate sacrifice. How do we honor our fallen heroes? First, by thanking God for their faithfulness and sacrifice. Second, if you know someone who died in service, why not thank their..... Read More
When you are angry with your spouse, it’s not enough to get rid of your anger. You must find a resolution to the situation that stimulated the anger. All of us sometimes say and do things that are not loving. These failures stimulate hurt and anger. Anger doesn’t simply melt away with time and hurt..... Read More
To be their best, children need to feel loved. But if you and your child speak different love languages, your affection might get lost in translation, affecting the child’s attitude, behavior, and development. In my book for parents, The 5 Love Languages of Children (updated and revised, 2012), Dr. Ross Campbell and I help you to..... Read More
You don’t have to be perfect to have a good marriage. But, you do need to deal effectively with your failures. Otherwise they sit as barriers to a growing marriage. How do you get rid of past failures? First, you identify them–write them down. Second, you confess them as wrong–to God and to your spouse...... Read More
Question: I would like to start a marriage discipleship ministry at my church. Where do I begin? Answer: I think you begin by talking to your pastor…let him know your passion, let him know your vision, let him know what you would like to do. I suggest you start very simply. Choose five couples in..... Read More
Question: I would like to start a marriage discipleship ministry at my church. Where do I begin? Answer: I think you begin by talking to your pastor…let him know your passion, let him know your vision, let him know what you would like to do. I suggest you start very simply. Choose five couples in..... Read More
Jesus said, “No man comes to the Father, unless the Spirit draws Him.” God’s method of drawing us is ‘love’. The amazing thing is that God individualizes His expressions of love. To put it another way, He speaks our love language. The man whose love language is physical touch, will say, “I felt God. My..... Read More
Jesus said, “As often as you do it unto one of the least of these my brothers, you do it unto me.” We love God by loving others. However, how we express love will depend on our love language. My love language is Words of Affirmation. Therefore, I find myself freely giving encouraging words to..... Read More
Jesus said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.” Why would you want to love God? The Apostle John said, “We love God because He first loved us.” Some time ago, I began a study of the various ways in which God expresses His..... Read More
Recently I heard a man say, “I don’t understand these people who spend all of their time in church singing praise songs. If they really loved God, why don’t they work in the soup kitchen. I think God must get sick of their singing the same old songs week after week and never doing anything..... Read More
Question: My husband is a long haul truck driver and only home a short time. How can you have a growing marriage when you only see each other about 36 hours per week? Answer: First of all, think about our military couples who don’t see each other at all for 12 months. Marriage is not about..... Read More
Question: My husband is a long haul truck driver and only home a short time. How can you have a growing marriage when you only see each other about 36 hours per week? Answer: First of all, think about our military couples who don’t see each other at all for 12 months. Marriage is not about..... Read More
Question: Do you believe in New Year’s Resolutions? It seems that every year I make a list, but seldom accomplish my goals. Consequently, I feel guilty. I’m beginning to think it would be better not to make the list. Answer: I can certainly identify with this perspective, but I do believe in New Year’s Resolutions...... Read More
Question: Do you believe in New Year’s Resolutions? It seems that every year I make a list, but seldom accomplish my goals. Consequently, I feel guilty. I’m beginning to think it would be better not to make the list. Answer: I can certainly identify with this perspective, but I do believe in New Year’s Resolutions...... Read More
Question: How do you keep from being depressed after the gifts are all distributed, the family is all gone and the Christmas tree stands empty in the corner? Answer: Well, that’s where all of us are today, Right? I don’t mean we are all depressed, but the empty tree now stands in the corner. For..... Read More
Question: How do you keep from being depressed after the gifts are all distributed, the family is all gone and the Christmas tree stands empty in the corner? Answer: Well, that’s where all of us are today, Right? I don’t mean we are all depressed, but the empty tree now stands in the corner. For..... Read More
Question: Should a difference in age be a deal breaker for a relationship? Answer: It depends on how old you are. If you are 16 and he is 26, then “Yes” age should be a deal breaker. You are too young to be involved with someone 10 years older than you. You have high school..... Read More
Question: Should a difference in age be a deal breaker for a relationship? Answer: It depends on how old you are. If you are 16 and he is 26, then “Yes” age should be a deal breaker. You are too young to be involved with someone 10 years older than you. You have high school..... Read More
Improving a marriage is hard work, but the good news is you can do it because the first step is always yours. Jesus said, first get the beam out of your own eye and then you can help your spouse get the speck out of theirs. I know that someone is objecting: “But the beam..... Read More
There’s no doubt that couples with troubled marriages are desperate for improvement. However, I find that even couples with good marriages recognize that there‘s room for growth. I’m convinced that you can have a better marriage and the key to improving your marriage is you. Some of you might be thinking, “But you don’t understand,..... Read More
Question: I am very much in love with my boyfriend and we have a wonderful relationship. However, some of my friends have concerns about things that don’t bother me. They would actually like to see us break up. What should I do? Answer: Listen to your friends. I don’t mean that you should necessarily break..... Read More
Question: I am very much in love with my boyfriend and we have a wonderful relationship. However, some of my friends have concerns about things that don’t bother me. They would actually like to see us break up. What should I do? Answer: Listen to your friends. I don’t mean that you should necessarily break..... Read More
Winter marriages can turn to Spring. Most of us are self-centered. We focus on our goals. Often we reach those goals and lose our marriage. How many men have climbed the ladder of vocational success to find themselves alone at the top? I can’t believe that is what any of us want. But if we..... Read More
When a marriage begins to fall apart, it usually begins with neglect. We stop giving our attention to each other. We live our own independent lives and we drift apart. I call this the Fall season of marriage. How do we move from Fall back to Spring? We begin to do the kind of things..... Read More
Winter, fall, spring and summer; which best describes your marriage? Over the years, I’ve spent time in all four seasons. But I personally prefer Spring and Summer. I like it when my marriage is filled with hope, excitement, peace and we both feel connected. How do you create that kind of marriage? When I wrote..... Read More
What season of marriage are you in? Marriages are perpetually in a state of transition, moving from one season to another. It has nothing to do with how long you’ve been married but with the quality of your marriage. A Winter marriage is cold and filled with arguments or silent suffering. A Spring marriage is..... Read More
I know of no spiritual discipline more important than a daily quiet time with God – reading the scriptures with an open heart to hear the voice of God and responding with my questions, my praise, my thanks and my requests. As a marriage counselor, I know of no marital discipline more important than a..... Read More
Intimacy comes from a Latin word meaning ‘inner.’ It is two people sharing the ‘inner self.’ Marriage is meant to be an intimate relationship. Two of the things we share are ‘thoughts’ and ‘emotions’. Emotions can’t be seen, but they can be revealed. When I say to my wife, “I’m feeling disappointed,” I have shared..... Read More
Singles adults often feel ‘left out’ or ‘over-looked’ by the church. One young lady said to me, “My church doesn’t have anything for singles.” As a pastor and counselor, I’d really like to help change that reality. That’s why I wrote the book The Five Love Languages Singles Edition. It’s an excellent tool to help..... Read More
Do you know the five love languages? Are you married or single? Did you feel loved by your parents when you were younger? If you are single, how many really close friends do you have? Someone, may be asking, “What’s with the quiz?” To be honest, I’m trying to get the attention of single adults...... Read More
Today, I want to take you back to the first chapter in the Bible.“The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” Interesting, that God ordained ‘work’ before the fall of man. Work is not a curse, but a blessing. Man was..... Read More
This is the day for Spring reflection. Are you pleased with the way you invested your time and energies so far this year? Are there changes you need to make in your lifestyle as we move into Summer? Do you need to drop some activities and add others? Family, church, vocation, and neighbors are all..... Read More
How about a little Spring check-up? Has it been a good year for you so far? Some of you would say, “Well financially, it hasn’t been a good year.” Others would say, “When it comes to my health, no, it hasn’t been a good year.” Unfortunately, many would say, “For my marriage, it hasn’t been..... Read More
In today’s world, many people are suffering from the pain of debt. Others are troubled with the upheavals of the financial markets. Let me remind you of the words of Jesus: “A man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.” If you understand that truth, it will change your life forever. Real..... Read More
Well, today is the day. Your income tax must be filed by midnight. For many of you there is no pressure. You filed your return weeks ago. But for those who have waited, this will be a day of pressure. I can’t remove the pressure, but I do have a thought that may make it..... Read More
For the Christian, service is a way of life. It is interesting that one of the five languages of love is ‘acts of service’. For some children and spouses this is their primary love language. Have you noticed that serving others is physically and emotionally draining? In order to love well, and long, we must..... Read More
A healthy family has an attitude of service to each other and to the world outside the family. Read the biographies of men and women who have lived lives of sacrificial service and you will find that most of them grew up in families that nurtured the idea of service as virtuous. In every vocation,..... Read More
Today is Valentine’s Day. The name comes from two saints in the early church. One St. Valentine was a priest who lived in Rome during the 200’s. He was jailed and later beheaded for aiding persecuted Christians. The other St. Valentine was the bishop of Terni, about 60 miles from Rome. He was beheaded in..... Read More
Today is Valentine’s Day. The name comes from two saints in the early church. One St. Valentine was a priest who lived in Rome during the 200’s. He was jailed and later beheaded for aiding persecuted Christians. The other St. Valentine was the bishop of Terni, about 60 miles from Rome. He was beheaded in..... Read More
Next week is when we turn our hearts toward love. Valentine’s Day has been around since 496 A.D. The most common expression of love is the Valentine card, but candy, and flowers are also common gifts. My friend Chris Fabry has established a tradition that I like. He stretches Valentine’s Day into Valentine’s Week. He..... Read More
Next week that we turn our hearts toward love. Valentine’s Day has been around since 496 A.D. The most common expression of love is the Valentine card, but candy, and flowers are also common gifts. My friend Chris Fabry has established a tradition that I like. He stretches Valentine’s Day into Valentine’s Week. He gives..... Read More
One year ago today, my mother turned 99. Today she is in heaven. We often talked about her living to be one hundred. But I knew that was not her desire. She talked about going home, and I knew she was not talking about her earthly home. Two weeks before she died she prayed, “Lord,..... Read More
In our culture, Christmas is a time when families get together. That’s really what Christmas was all about: God reaching out to bring us together. We were made to have fellowship with God, but we walked away. We left home. We wandered afar. But God came to find us through a babe in Bethlehem. He..... Read More
Merry Christmas! Webster says, that ‘merry’ implies uninhibited enjoyment of frolic, festivity, or fun. In addition, freshness and buoyancy as manifest in singing, leaping, and dancing. That’s what I wish for you on this Christmas day. That’s what the shepherds did. Luke says, “The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they..... Read More
For many, today is a day dedicated to ‘last minute shopping’. I’m often wondered what God was doing the day before Christ was born? Probably guiding each step as Joseph and Mary traveled to Bethlehem. The most profound event of human history was about to happen. The theologians call it the ‘incarnation’. God becoming human..... Read More
Communication is not easy until you have a disagreement. So, how do we process conflicts without arguing? As I was writing my book The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted, one of the great discoveries I made was the awesome power of listening. Most of us are far better at “making our point” than in “getting the..... Read More
Money, Family, or Both? Is it possible that we may be working so hard to support our families financially that we end up losing our families? Then money becomes empty compensation. This week we’ll talk about the issue of money and marriage. What is most important in life? If we are given stark choices, the..... Read More
John is a successful business man, but his wife is suffering from depression. “She spends most mornings in bed, and in the afternoons she just sits around the house,” he said. “She seems to have no ambition. Every night, I have to bring food home for dinner. Many nights she doesn’t eat with us. She..... Read More
The Mom’s Choice Awards has named Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages Singles Edition (Northfield Publishing, 2009), as well as The Five Love Languages of Children (Northfield Publishing, 1997) among the best in family-friendly media, products and services. The esteemed Mom’s Choice Awards seal helps parents, educators, librarians and retailers wade through an overwhelming..... Read More
The Mom’s Choice Awards has named Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages Singles Edition (Northfield Publishing, 2009), as well as The Five Love Languages of Children (Northfield Publishing, 1997) among the best in family-friendly media, products and services. The esteemed Mom’s Choice Awards seal helps parents, educators, librarians and retailers wade through an overwhelming..... Read More
By Guest Blogger: Dr Jennifer Thomas Expert in Relationships The Best: This year’s winner with 5 stars: Pastor Robin Phillips Phillips is a former pastor who returned to give a 15-minute apology to his congregation 10 years after his dismissal for having had an affair with a church member. In his unprecedented public apology, Phillips..... Read More
Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” If we take Twain literally, he only needed six compliments a year. Believe me, Your spouse, your child, your friend will need more than that. Verbal compliments, or words of affirmation are powerful communicators of love. Imagine hearing these words, “You..... Read More
Before marriage, I dreamed about how happy I would be when we got married. I had visions of all the wonderful things my wife would do for me. Sausage and eggs together in the mornings. Candlelight dinners at night. Holding hands all day long and sex every night. I assumed that she had the same..... Read More
Wives can’t change their husbands, but wives can and do have a tremendous influence on their husbands. How can you make that influence positive? 1. Men respond positively to praise. One of the most common complaints men make in my office is: “Dr. Chapman, in my work I am respected. People come to me for..... Read More
The idea that the eternal God desires to spend quality time with His creatures is one aspect of faith unique to Christianity. The gods who have been created by the imagination of human minds have always been far removed from people’s daily lives. The gods of the ancient Greek and Roman myths had to be..... Read More
