Category: The 5 Love Languages®

Q&A: Opposite Love Languages

Q:  My husband got a zero for physical touch on your online quiz and I got a zero. How do I deal with it?

Gary Chapman:  He must learn how to reach out and give you the kind of touches that communicate love to you—just as you must learn to speak his love language. It usually doesn’t come natural to speak a language that is not native to us, so it will be just as difficult for him as it is for you. But if you both understand how important this is—that this is what is going to make the other person feel loved—it makes learning to speak each other’s primary love language much easier. I deal with thoroughly in my book The 5 Love Languages, so if you’ve not yet read it and only taken the quiz, I want to encourage you do so. I would also recommend you get your husband the men’s edition because in it I give guys several additional ideas on how to speak all five languages.

Running On Empty

I’m convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level in your car. Running your marriage on an empty love tank may cost you even more than trying to drive your car without oil. How do you fill the love tank of your spouse?  You find out what makes them feel loved and then to the best of your ability, you speak their “love language.” There are five love languages: words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. One of these speaks more deeply to your spouse than the other four. Learn to speak the right love language and watch your spouse begin to smile.  When they feel loved, they are likely to reciprocate

Q&A: Are There Only Five Love Languages?

Q: What is the best way for my husband and I to help a couple from church who are in the process of getting divorced?


A: I’m often asked this question and I’m not dogmatic to say there are only five. I will say, that now that the book has been out for 20 years and translated in forty-nine languages around the world, no one has come back to give me a 6th. Now some have said such things as, “I think the 6th love languages is chocolate!” I say, if they bought it, it’s a gift and if they made it, it’s an act of service. One wife said that shopping is a 6th love lanauge. I told her that it sounds an awful lot like quality time to me. You want your husband to be with you enjoying something that you enjoy doing. So maybe there are other languages but I think the current five are rather fundamental to human nature.

Teens Need To Be Loved By Their Parents

It is essential that teenagers feel loved by parents. I remember Ashley, who at 13 was being treated for a sexually transmitted disease. She said, “When my father left, I thought it was because he didn’t love me. When my mother remarried, I felt she had someone to love her, but I still had no one to love me. I met this boy at school. He was older than me, but he liked me. I couldn’t believe it. He was kind to me, and I really felt loved by him. I didn’t want to have sex, I just wanted to be loved.”

Do you know your teens love language? I wrote my book: The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers to help parents love teens effectively. Does your teen feel loved?

Q&A: Getting Your Spouse To Speak Your Love Language

QAfter 23 years of marriage, my wife just does not seem to love me. She knows my love language, but seems to resist speaking it. What do I do?

A: The common thing is for you to badger her about that by saying, “You’re not speaking my love language. Why don’t you speak my love language…” That won’t get you anywhere, but rather is condemnation and she’s going to withdraw from you further. Love stimulates love. The Bible says that we love God because God first loved us. The same principle is true in a marriage. I would suggest that you speak her love language and speak it regularly. I’d say set yourself a goal of at least twice per week, which is a minimum, to speak her love language. Then after you’ve done that for three months, you can say to her, “Honey, would it be possible for you to…” and you request of her something that would be speaking your love lanauge. And because she’s feeling your love, she’s very likely to reciprocate and love you in your love language.

Steadfast Love

In my book, Now You’re Speaking my Language, I address the differences between covenant marriage and contract marriage. Contracts are motivated by the desire to get something we want. Covenants are based on what the Bible calls “steadfast love”. Such love will be revealed in behavior. Love is the attitude which says, “What can I do to help you?” “How can I make your life easier?” Then, when the questions are answered love responds, “I’d be delighted to help you. In fact, that is my greatest joy.” That’s the way we talked when we were “in love”. Why do we change our attitude when the euphoria of the ‘in love’ experience fades? Covenant love is ‘steadfast love.’

Q&A: Love Language of “Gifts” On A Tight Budget

Q: My daughter is dating a guy whose love language is Receiving Gifts. However, she is on a very tight budget. How would she show this?

A: Don’t assume that because a person’s love language is Receiving Gifts that you have to give expensive gifts. That’s not true. If gifts is a person’s love language, then little gifts will mean just as much as large and expensive gifts. They know if you’re on a budget and if you don’t have a lot of extra funds around. So simply buying a piece of candy or something else small, it says to them, “they were thinking about me, they got this for me.”

So it doesn’t have to be an expensive gift, it’s the thought that counts. But don’t ignore the reality that their love language is “Receiving Gifts.” Give them gifts but stay within your budget.

Q&A: Love Languages And Depression

Q: How does the Love Language concept work in a relationship where the spouse has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and depression?

A: Whatever our mental state, depression or otherwise, we need to feel loved. It’s one of the most fundamental needs that we have. And I think, because of that, the love languages apply fully as well when your spouse is bi-polar, suffering from depression or some other difficult mental struggle. We can’t think of the love languages as something that’s going to cause all mental struggles to disappear. But I would say, don’t give up on loving the person in their love language even though they don’t seem to be responding to that. Let the doctor and counselor deal with the depression and bi-polar situation but you continue to love in their love language.

Q&A: Is There A Certified Course Of Study For The 5LL?

Q: Do you have a certified course of study for the 5LL for those wanting to teach?

A: I’m asked this question from time to time by people who are teachers. That is they are used by God to teach other people various topics. So when they discover the Five Love Languages and want people to know it, they teach it in their church or community. The answer to the question, however, is no, I do not have a certification program for people to be certified to teach the Five Love Languages. We have given some thought to that and in the future we may do that.

There is a DVD learning program on the Five Love Languages that is published by Lifeway Christian Resources, which can be an asset to help you teach the 5 Love Languages.

Q&A: Is The 5 Love Languages only for Christians?

Q: Is your book, The 5 Love Languages, only for Christians?

A: The short answer is no. I wrote The 5 Love Languages for people. People are human and humans have the desire and the need to feel loved. We want to give love and receive love. The book is designed to help you do that in a meaningful way. For couples who are Christians, they’ll see the Biblical background in the book, though I don’t give the chapters and verses. The non-Christians will not be turned off because it’s not a “religious book.” They’ll sense that I’m concerend about thema and their marriage relationship. So you can feel free to give this as a Christmas gift or any other time to non-Christians. I think they’ll find it to be extremely helpful.