Category: Q&A

Q&A: Quality Time amongst Busyness

Q: What are some ways to show the love language “Quality Time” when my husband works so much?

Gary: When you work more than ten hours a day, it can be very difficult to make time for Quality Time. However, if this is the primary love language of you or your spouse, the two of you must find a way to work it out in your schedules to have time together. Consider having lunch with him where he works, or cluster time together on the weekends. Everyone has time to make a living and have a healthy marriage.

Q&A: I’m Social, but my Spouse Isn’t

Q: I’m a very social person but my husband isn’t. Is it wrong for me to pressure him to do more?

Gary: What you have to realize is that it’s a personality difference. Those who are extroverted get energized by being around other people. Those who are introverted get energized by being alone. So, it’s not wrong for you to pull him in, but it’s also not wrong for you to let him pull you out. There needs to be a balance; don’t stop inviting him, don’t stop asking him to go with you to things. You will pull him into experiences he would never have had if he were not married to you. Give him a good time and expose him to things that he will enjoy. Just don’t badger him about it, and give him the freedom to not always go with you.

Q&A: A Flirtatious Co-Worker

Q: A co-worker is flirting with me. I’m married, but I don’t want to jeopardize my job. How do I deal with this?

Gary: Draw back, and if they continue to press, verbally express to them that you are happily married and would do nothing to destroy that. If the person’s not gone too far, then you may not want to say something of that nature. However, you still must ignore their flirting and spend as little time as possible with that person. Definitely don’t eat with them. And again, if the person continues to go further, verbally expressing your commitment to your marriage should end the flirting.

Q&A: Taking a Break from Your Spouse

Q: My friends are telling me that I need to take a break from my spouse to refresh our love for each other. Is this healthy?

Gary: We all need time alone, but marriage consists of more than refreshing ourselves; it has to do with building intimacy between the two of you. Separation may give you some temporary relief from arguing, if that is happening, but you don’t win the battle by retreating. You win by staying on the battlefield and finding ways to solve the problems that are destroying your marriage. So, I cannot recommend separation as a means for enriching your marriage. That comes when the two of you engage with each other in a deep and meaningful way.

Q&A: Speaking a Person’s Love Language and Getting Nothing in Return

Q: Where do I find strength to show my spouse love in their love language when I get nothing in return?

Gary: The bottom line is that your strength comes from your relationship with God. God loved us before we loved him, while we were still sinners. God pours his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit. By the power of God, we can love a spouse who is not loving us. There’s nothing more powerful you can do that to speak the love language of your spouse in the power of the Holy Spirit, regardless of whether they respond or not. Nothing is as powerful as Godly love.

Q&A: A Partner Who Refuses to Speak Your Love Language

Q: What do you suggest to do if your boyfriend is unmotivated to speak your love language? 

Gary: I think it’s probably time to get out of the relationship. People are typically at their best when they are dating. If you’re dating someone who knows your love language but refuses to speak it, it should indicate to you that your partner is selfish. He is into himself but not into loving you. If that’s what dating him is like, imagine what being married to him is like. If upon breaking up with him, he radically changes, maybe give him another chance.

Q&A: Finding a Christian Man

Q: How does a Christian woman find a quality husband? It seems so many men are selfish and only wanting physical intimacy.

Gary: I do believe the quality men you are looking for are out there. You are far more likely to find them in the church rather than out of the church, especially if they’re involved beyond mere attendance. If they’re in a small group, if they’re going on missions trips, if they’re helping the poor, these are good indicators that the person is truly committed to Christ. Pray and ask God to bring that kind of guy across your track.

Q&A: A Loveless Marriage

Q: After 25 years of marriage,  I just don’t love my husband anymore. How can I stay in this marriage?

Gary: We have to be where we are but we don’t to stay where we are. Essentially, love is a decision and an attitude that says, “I’m married to you, how can I enrich your life?” Don’t wait on your emotions; choose to love in the power of the Holy Spirit. We have God’s help to love an unlovely spouse. When you love them in the right love language, there’s a good chance they’re going to reciprocate and emotional love can be reborn in the marriage. It won’t happen overnight, but there’s nothing more powerful you can do than to love an unlovely spouse.

Q&A: Balancing the Facts and Our Emotions

Q: I’m a hyper-rational thinker who relies on facts alone. My girlfriend says emotions need to be a part of any decision-making process. What do you think about this?

Gary: I think both of you are right. We need to think before we make decisions, but we also need to acknowledge our feelings. We are thinking, feeling creatures and every decision we make should involve both of them. Being honest about our feelings and getting the facts straight are both integral parts of making the right decisions. So, I wouldn’t fight over either/or; I would incorporate both.

Q&A: Reconciling With Someone You’ve Verbally Abused

Q: I’ve verbally abused my wife for years but I want to change. How can I show her?

Gary: Verbal abuse strikes at the heart of the person abused. Even if you confess this, recognize that it is wrong, and stop speaking harsh words, it will take time for your spouse to realize that you are sincere. How can you regain her trust and belief in you? I would say by your behavior. If you turn the harsh critical words into loving caring words, you will demonstrate that you have radically changed. If you will also learn her primary love language and speak it to her on a regular basis, chances are that overtime she’ll begin to see that you sincerely and honestly love her.