What Can I Do To Help?
It is hard to reject sincere acts of service. A young husband once told me that for the first month after the wedding, his wife served him breakfast in bed. He said, “It took me a month to get up the courage to tell her that I don’t eat breakfast.” I did a little research some time ago and found out that not a single wife has ever murdered her husband while he was washing dishes.
What is your attitude toward your spouse? In the early years of my marriage, I made demands of my wife and gave her harsh words when she did not respond. Later I learned that Jesus had a better plan. He said, “I did not come to be served, but to serve.” When I learned to ask: What can I do to help you? The whole atmosphere of my marriage changed.
Attitude of Service
Slavery is at the heart of dysfunctional families. Service is at the heart of healthy families. Slavery creates anger, bitterness, and resentment. Service stimulates love, and encouragement. Service is freely given, not out of fear, but out of choice. It comes out of the personal discovery that “it is more blessed to give than to receive.”
In my book, The Family You’ve Always Wanted, I list “an attitude of service” as one of the five fundamentals of a healthy family. The husband serves the wife. She serves him. Together they serve the children. Later, the children learn to serve the parents and each other. Then, the entire family serves people outside the family. Imagine what would happen if service became a way of life in our families.
Serving Children
Parents serve children in a thousand ways. These ‘acts of service’ may be done out of a sense of duty and even resentment. On the other hand, they may be genuine acts of love. Loving service is an internally motivated desire to give one’s energy to serve others. Loving service is a gift, not a necessity, and is done freely, not under coercion.
When parents serve their children with a spirit of resentment and bitterness, a child’s physical needs may be met, but his emotional development will be greatly hampered. Because service is so daily, even the best parents need to stop for an attitude check now and then, to be sure that their acts of service are communicating love.
Little Love Tanks
Children with full love tanks are more likely to obey parents, help others, and reach their potential in learning. Keeping the love tank full means that we must discover the child’s primary love language and then speak it regularly. The five love languages are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
Out of these five, your child has a primary love language. How do you discover it? Three clues:
- Observe how they love you. What they give is probably what they want.
- What does your child complain about? The complaint reveals the love language.
- What does your child request most often? The request gives you valuable information.
For an online quiz to help your child discover their love language, visit one of the following links:
- Children (5-12) — click here
- Teenagers (13-18) — click here
The Two Greatest Commands
Jesus said that the two greatest commands are to love God and love your neighbor. During this week when our society is thinking about Valentine’s Day, what a wonderful time to focus on loving God and your family (who are your closest neighbors). Each day ask yourself: What can I do today that will express my love to God?
Then, ask the same question about your family. For your wife, you might volunteer to wash the dishes. For your daughter you might purchase a valentines card. For your son you might invest an hour in playing with him. Do something each day this week to express your love to God and your family. This is the Christian lifestyle: Love as a Way of Life.
Service Vocation
Parenting is a service-oriented vocation. The day you decided to have a child, you enrolled for full-time service. Your contract called for a minimum of 18 years of service with an understanding that you would be on ‘active reserve’ for several years after that. For some children ‘acts of service’ is their primary love language. What makes them really feel loved is when you do something for them.
Cooking meals, mending doll dresses, washing clothes, and helping them with their projects are all acts of service. Your primary motivation is not to ‘please’ them, but to love them – to do what is best for them. As you serve them you are also providing a model which they will learn to emulate. You are following the example of Christ.
“What Have You Done With My Husband?”
Next week that we turn our hearts toward love. Valentine’s Day has been around since 496 A.D. The most common expression of love is the Valentine card, but candy, and flowers are also common gifts. My friend Chris Fabry has established a tradition that I like. He stretches Valentine’s Day into Valentine’s Week.
He gives his wife a gift each day for a week, ending with Valentine’s Day. Just like the 12 days of Christmas. He celebrates 7 days of love. For all the husbands who are listening, there’s an idea that could spark new life in your marriage. Start today with a candy kiss, tomorrow give her a small snicker’s bar, then a rose. By the middle of the week she’ll be asking, “What’s going on?” Your answer? “It’s all about love.”
Real Men Speak 5 Languages
Guest Post by Zack Williamson (Chapman Team)
Recently I was watching an episode of the new NBC show Losing It with Jillian. This particular episode featured the Vivio family who were learning to overcome some obstacles in regards to their weight. Along the way, a few relationship issues came to the forefront. One of these was Mark’s (husband/father) mentality that real men don’t let their emotions show. Originally instilled from his father, Mark was taught to just “suck it up” and provide for the family. At one point Mark even made this statement about his dad, “To this day he still can’t say it [I love you].” Unbeknownst to Mark, this attitude was having a negative effect on his son, Elijah.
Sometimes the way we think we show love best is not actually the best way to show love. Let me explain. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, everyone has a primary way in which they prefer to receive love called their primary love language. When someone speaks this love language to them, it fills their “love tank” to the brim and, inadvertently, they feel loved. Chapman has revealed five distinct languages from which our primary can be drawn—Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Quality Time.
If we do not know, or understand, that the “love tank” of others might be filled best through a language other than our own, we often default to showing love in the way we prefer to receive love ourselves. In Mark’s case, he was speaking Gifts by providing for the material needs of his family. But when he found that, due to some physical issues, he was no longer able to provide to the same degree he once could, Mark struggled with how to show love to his family.
Through a conversation with his wife and Jillian, Mark realizes that Elijah needs more than just provision—he needs Words of Affirmation from his father. During a heartfelt chat with his son, Mark tells Elijah that he is proud of him. A smile appears on Elijah’s face and the video cuts to Elijah saying, “When my dad told me how proud he was of me, I was happy.” In that one powerful moment Mark learns to speak his son’s love language and what a difference it makes for Elijah!
When you learn to speak love languages you are not necessarily comfortable with, you are showing a form of selfless love that speaks for itself. It shows you are genuine and that your love is real. Mark learned this, and his family is better for it.
Mark, thanks for caring enough to step out of your own comfort zone to love your family well. Real men speak 5 languages.
Mom’s Choice Awards Presented to Love Language Books
The Mom’s Choice Awards has named Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages Singles Edition (Northfield Publishing, 2009), as well as The Five Love Languages of Children (Northfield Publishing, 1997) among the best in family-friendly media, products and services.
The esteemed Mom’s Choice Awards seal helps parents, educators, librarians and retailers wade through an overwhelming number of choices to select quality materials for families.
The Five Love Languages Singles Edition has proven itself a must-read for single adults in all walks of life. This special edition helps readers successfully navigate relationships in the workplace, friendships, and the dating environment. The Five Love Languages of Children explores how speaking the right love language affects and transforms a child’s attitude, behavior, and development.
To learn more about Mom’s Choice Awards, visit www.momschoiceawards.com.
Save a Marriage, Save a Tree
Can the book known for saving marriages also save trees? Moody Publishers/Northfield Publishing is pleased to announce that The 5 Love Languages™ by Dr. Gary Chapman will now be printed on 100 percent recycled paper made of 40 percent post consumer waste paper.
“We’re part of an educational organization that practices responsible stewardship through reduction in energy consumption and recycling efforts. Now we’ve taken another important step in caring for God’s creation,” says Greg Thornton, Vice President, Moody Publishers/Northfield Publishing.
With more than six million copies sold, The 5 Love Languages has claimed a regular spot on the New York Times bestseller list. For the first time in the book’s history, its new recycled paper initiative will:
• Save 1,020 trees
• Save 6,000 gallons of gasoline
• Save 624,060 kilowatts of electricity
• Eliminate 3,600 pounds of air pollutants
• Save 198 cubic yards of landfill space.*
Please join us in supporting policies that seek to maximize the efficient use of our world’s resources.
*Figures are based on a printing of 500,000 copies of The 5 Love Languages.
