Your Child’s Love Tank
If you treat all children the same way in an effort to be fair, you are really not being fair at all.
What I discovered years ago is that what makes one child feel loved, does not necessarily make another child feel loved. I like to picture each child as having an emotional ‘love tank’. If the tank is full, that is the child feels loved by the parents, then the child grows up normally. If the tank is empty, the child will grow up with many internal struggles. And in the teenage years they will go looking for love, typically in all the wrong places. Learning what fills your child’s love tank is one of the secrets to successful parenting.
For more, see my new book: The 5 Love Languages of Children
Q&A: Can Our Marriage Grow if We are Apart Often?
Question: My husband is a long haul truck driver and only home a short time. How can you have a growing marriage when you only see each other about 36 hours per week?
Answer: First of all, think about our military couples who don’t see each other at all for 12 months. Marriage is not about proximity. Marriage is about two hearts beating together for each other. Together or apart, we are seeking each other’s well-being. We are praying for them, doing what we can to help them, and keeping in touch via phone, e-mail, or texting.
I would encourage you to make the most of the 36 hours you have together each week. Be kind, thoughtful, and loving. Speak each others love language. If you have issues, talk with a pastor or counselor, or read a book. When your time together is pleasant, then your time apart can also be pleasant. Of course, if you argue when you are together, then there is no comfort while you are apart. A strong marriage can endure times of separation.
Q&A: Do You Think Sex Would Help Our Relationship?
Question: My girlfriend and I have been dating for four years. We think we are ready for sex. My love language is physical touch. Do you think sex would help our relationship? We are both willing, just not sure if it is right for us.
Answer: If you will listen to my advice, I can save you a lot of pain, and give you a better foundation for a successful marriage. I know that my advice is not very popular in today’s culture, but it is backed with 10 years of research. Sex before marriage does not enhance a relationship. It often stimulates guilt, and insecurity.
If one of you eventually breaks off the relationship, it will create extreme emotional pain in the other. I’ve counseled scores of such individuals over the past few years. If you eventually decide to get married, your chances of a divorce are increased significantly. To get the full scoop, read the book; The Ring Makes All The Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Co-habitation, by Glenn Stanton. It’s worth the read.
Q&A: How can I support my husband while he looks for a new job?
Question: This has been a hard year for us financially. My husband lost his job. He’s been looking, but nothing has opened up. He is beginning to get discouraged. How can I help him keep a positive attitude?
Answer: This is a situation with which many can identify. I’d like to suggest three things. Number One, speak your husband’s love language. The deepest emotional need we have is the need to feel loved. When your husband’s love tank is full, life is much easier to process. He may not have a job, but if he has you, and feels that you really love him, he can go on looking with a positive attitude.
Second, I suggest that you look for volunteer jobs at your church or in your community where you and your husband can volunteer to help others. Getting involved in doing something worthwhile is a big deterrent to getting depressed. Often it is in the context of volunteering that you make new friends and sometimes even find a new job opportunity.
Third, ask your friends to pray for you. That’s what friendship is all about. Don’t walk alone.
Q&A: When the euphoric feelings fade
Question: I feel like my fiancé has lost interest in me. How can I get her to be interested once again?
Answer: It may be that your fiancé is coming down off the emotional high of being ‘in love’. I know that many people believe that if you are really in love, those feelings will remain forever. That is simply not true. The average life-span of the euphoria is two years. So, if you have been dating more than two years, this is likely what is happening.
Many couples break up at this point because they have ‘lost the feelings’. However, if you can learn to speak each other’s love language you can keep emotional warmth in the relationship. It’s not the euphoria, but there will be genuine feelings of love and care. Then you can look realistically at the relationship and whether or not it should lead to marriage.
Open to Advice
In most cases, parents are older than their teenagers. With increased age there is increased wisdom. Teens desperately need the wisdom of adults. But why is it that they often reject our advice? I think it is because they feel unloved. They are not sure that we are really interested in them. When we don’t express interest in their events or condemn them for their dress or music, we come across as judgmental. They tune us out.
If you want your teen to receive your wisdom, then speak all five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch. Give heavy doses of their primary language and when they are secure in your love, they will be open to your advice.
Feeling Unloved
When I wrote my book, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, I was surprised to learn how many teens feel unloved by their parents. It’s not that the parents don’t love them. The problem is that the teen does not feel loved. When teenagers feel unloved, they are far more likely to become sexually active, start using drugs and get involved in trouble with the law.
The answer? Learn to speak the love language of your teenager. What are the five love languages? Words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch. Out of these five, your teen has a primary love language. If you speak it your teen will feel loved, if you don’t the love tank will be empty. Much of the teens miss-behavior comes from an empty love tank.
Showing All Five
Do you know the five love languages of children? They are: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. One of those five is the primary love language of your child. If you don’t speak that language, your child will not feel loved. This does not mean that you speak only the primary love language. No, you give heavy doses of their primary love language, then you sprinkle in the other four.
The ideal is that children learn to receive and give love in all five languages. This prepares them for good relationships as adults. Your example is the most effective method of teaching. Love your children effectively and they will learn to love others.
Emotional Food
During infancy, a child does not distinguish between milk and tenderness, between solid food and love. Without food a child will starve. Without love, a child will starve emotionally and can become impaired for life. A great deal of research indicates that the emotional foundation of life is laid in the first eighteen months of life, particularly in the mother/child relationship.
The ‘food’ for future emotional health is love expressed in five ways: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. Speak all five languages to your child the first eighteen months and you are laying the best possible foundation for emotional health.
No Matter What
“I love you, no matter what!” This is unconditional love, and it is what children crave. Don’t withhold your love from a child when they miss-behave. Does this sound like permissiveness? It is not. Rather, it is doing first things first. A child’s emotional love tank must be filled before any effective training or discipline can take place.
A child with a full love tank can respond to parental guidance without resentment. On the other hand, when the child does not feel loved, the discipline seems harsh and unfair. Discipline wrapped in love is the most effective discipline. So, if your child’s love language is ‘physical touch’ give him a big hug before you give the correction and after you give the correction.
