Category: The 5 Love Languages®

Q+A: Am I Still in Love?

Q: Gary, if I am in a dating relationship which has moved out of the “tingly” love stage – how do I know that I am still in love with this person as we transition into the love languages stage?

Gary: When you come down off the high of the in-love experience often we feel like “I’ve lost it. I just don’t have it. It must not be the right person.” So we often break off the relationship rather than speaking each other’s love language. I would suggest reading through my book The 5 Love Languages, discussing the whole concept of love languages. Because that will keep emotional warmth alive in the relationship. It’s not the high of the in love experience, but it is emotional love. Then you can look at all the other aspects of life and ask, are we really compatible? Do we have what it takes to have a life-long relationship? Then you can make a wise decision, really a better decision, now that you’ve come down off that high.

When Was the Last Time You Verbally Affirmed a Coworker?

Can you recall a time within the last week when you verbally affirmed a coworker? If so, what did you say? How did they respond? If you saw them ‘light up’ and come alive, you can assume that words of affirmation is their primary appreciation language. However, if they brushed off your comments, you can assume they have a different appreciation language. We believe that the five love languages which have helped so many couples connect emotionally also have application in workplace. However, don’t assume that your primary love language at home will be your primary appreciation language at work. Work relationships are very different from family relationships. But love and appreciation are essential to healthy relationships.

Q+A: Dissipated Feelings

Q: Gary, I feel like my fiancé has lost interest in me. How can I get her to be interested once again?

Gary: Well if I had a quick answer to that, I would make a million dollars. How many times in a dating relationship does a partner fall out of love before the other falls out of love? It’s a very common occurrence. It would be nice if you could read the five love languages together and particularly the chapter when I talk about being in love. Perhaps she would come to discover that these feelings dissipate for everyone. It doesn’t mean the relationship should stop, but it does mean we need to learn each other’s love languages so we can then assess the relationship.

Do They Really Love God?

Why do Christians sometimes criticize each other? Recently I heard a man say, “I don’t understand these people who spend all of their time in church singing praise songs. If they really loved God, why don’t they work in the soup kitchen. I think God must get sick of their singing the same old songs week after week and never doing anything to show their love by serving others.” This man does not understand that people express their love to God in different ways, because they have different love languages. If Acts of Service is your love language, then, yes, you work in the soup kitchen. If Receiving Gifts is your love language, then you show your love to God by giving. While Quality Time people love God best by having extended daily quiet times.

Q&A: Commitment vs. Love

Q: Gary, my husband says he’s in the marriage now more for the commitment that he made rather than love for me. How can I stay married to him if he’s only committed, but not in love with me?

Gary: Many many people are where your husband is, they’re just not ready to admit it. The reality is that all of us come down off the high of the emotional experience of being in love and if we don’t learn how to speak each other’s love languages, then we may be staying there out of commitment. Thank God for commitment! Because that gives us an opportunity to learn how we can advance our marriage. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to read and discuss a book like the 5 Love Languages and then look over the past and see what happened and how you missed each other. Life can be different, I assure you, if you make changes.

Getting Good at Love

After five years of marriage, the question remains as essential and poignant as the night years ago in the car: Am I loving well? Although the answer stings at times, it is a trustworthy means of clearing the debris from the path to intimacy.

 

Continue reading article by Sarah Siders >>

Q&A: Is There Hope for a Divorced Couple?

Q: Gary, I am recently divorced and have just discovered the 5LL. I haven’t been speaking his. We are still in touch. Can I still save something of our marriage?

 

Gary: You know I have many people who share this sentiment: they wish they had discovered their love languages much earlier. But if you have contact, you can still speak his love language with whatever opportunities you have. I would begin with an apology, though. I would say to him, “You know, I was reading a book the other day and I realized that I failed you in terms of loving you. I didn’t even know your love language.” And now you’ve got his attention. You’re apologizing to him for failing to meet his need for love, and when you apologize it opens the door to the possibility of him forgiving you, and then when you ask for another chance he’s far more likely to give you another chance because he sees a change in you.

Q&A: Why is there a 5LL for Men and not for Women?

Q: Gary, why do you have a “Men’s” edition of the 5 Love Languages and not a “women’s?”

Gary: Well, the original edition of The 5 Love Languages was written for women and for men, but I discovered that men need a little extra help. For that reason, I wrote the Men’s edition so that I could give them additional ideas for how to speak those love languages. I also have a chapter in there on how to handle anger and how to apologize effectively, which are two issues that I have observed men often struggle with more than women.

 

Q&A: Love Languages and Dating

Q: Gary, should I be concerned if my boyfriend refuses to take the Love Languages quiz? How can I determine what his language is?

If someone refuses to take a positive step in helping the relationship, yes, it’s a red flag waving because they’re not likely to be open to other things you request. In answering your second question, you determine his love language by asking yourself, How does he respond to others?” Observe his behavior. Is he giving pats on the back, is he giving words of affirmation, does he spend time talking to people? The second question is what does he complain about? The complaint reveals his love language. And then, what does he request of you most often? That also reveals his love language. So you can determine his love language even if he won’t take the quiz. But don’t overlook the fact that he’s refusing to do something you’re requesting.

Q&A: Long-term Gift Giving

Q: Gary, how is it possible to fulfill my spouses’ “Gift giving” language every day?

Gary: Well, I don’t think you have to give gifts every day to a person whose love language is receiving gifts, but I do think you should do it periodically. The other thing I would say is: don’t think in terms of expensive gifts all the time. It can be a flower you picked out of the yard, it can be a red leaf in the fall, it can be a feather you found while you were taking a walk, it can be a candy bar, it can be anything small. It’s really the thought that counts. And for the person for whom gift receiving is their love language, these periodic gifts that are given out of a heart of love speak deeply to that person.

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