Category: Single

Q&A: Why Not Have Sex Before Marriage?

Q:  “Gary, what’s wrong with being physically intimate before marriage? Isn’t the wedding just a formality?”

Gary Chapman: The reality is that marriage has always been a public thing. It’s not simply an agreement between two people. It’s recorded in human history and society recognizes the couple as being married—something that doesn’t happen when a couple is simply living together. I know it’s popular today to be sexually active and/or live together prior to, or in place of, getting married. However, the wedding is important. Marriage is important. When we downplay the marriage covenant by living together and become sexually active prior to marriage, we increase our chances for marital problems. In fact, research indicates that a sexually active couple who lives together is far more likely to divorce once they do get married. The reality is that you cannot simulate marriage. It’s far better to wait to come together sexually until after you’ve made that lifelong commitment to the other person.

Q&A: I‘m having a very hard time recovering from a break-up. How do I move on?

It will take time. Time will bring healing. Don’t sit around hoping that he’ll come back and everything will work out. Recognize that some dating relationships will end in breaking up. And normally one takes the initiative to break up and the other suffers. It’s a part of a human relationship. So I’m very empathetic with your pain and I’m telling you it will not go away over night. But with the passing of time and your devoting yourself to doing something worthwhile with your life, you’ll come through it on the other side and you’ll look back on it as a memory.

Q&A: I‘m having a very hard time recovering from a break-up. How do I move on?

It will take time. Time will bring healing. Don’t sit around hoping that he’ll come back and everything will work out. Recognize that some dating relationships will end in breaking up. And normally one takes the initiative to break up and the other suffers. It’s a part of a human relationship. So I’m very empathetic with your pain and I’m telling you it will not go away over night. But with the passing of time and your devoting yourself to doing something worthwhile with your life, you’ll come through it on the other side and you’ll look back on it as a memory.

Q&A: As a single Christian, how can I build friendships in my church?

Question: As a never-married Christian man with no children, how can I build healthy and enjoyable friendships with other people who are married?Quite often I get excluded from both public and private church fellowship activities.

Answer: I would suggest you take the initiative. You can sit around and feel sorry for yourself at home–no body calls you nobody invites you. Or, you can create things for yourself and for others. You need to build friendships with singles but you also need to have friendships with married individuals. So if you hear something announced at church, if they don’t say that it’s only four couples, I would say sign up for it even though you’re single. Go there, you’ll meet some people you may even start a friendship.

Then, you plan things for the single adults in your church. Let them know that there are others like them who want to be engaged. You can be the change agent.

Q&A: As a single Christian, how can I build friendships in my church?

Question: As a never-married Christian man with no children, how can I build healthy and enjoyable friendships with other people who are married?Quite often I get excluded from both public and private church fellowship activities.

Answer: I would suggest you take the initiative. You can sit around and feel sorry for yourself at home–no body calls you nobody invites you. Or, you can create things for yourself and for others. You need to build friendships with singles but you also need to have friendships with married individuals. So if you hear something announced at church, if they don’t say that it’s only four couples, I would say sign up for it even though you’re single. Go there, you’ll meet some people you may even start a friendship.

Then, you plan things for the single adults in your church. Let them know that there are others like them who want to be engaged. You can be the change agent.

Q&A: Is there a reason my girlfriend broke up with me?

Question: After four years of dating, my girlfriend broke up with me. She said her heart was yearning for another guy she met one week ago. Is there a reason for her sudden change of heart?

Answer: Yes, I don’t know what it is, but there is a reason. Perhaps she has been unhappy in the relationship for some time, but did not make a move to break up until she met someone else to whom she was attracted. The high emotions of the “in love” experience usually last around 2 years. If the couple does not learn to speak each other’s love language, then the emotional love tank gets empty.

Then, they are prime prospects for another relationship.

That is why in my book, The Five Love languages: Singles Edition I encourage dating couples to learn how to speak each others’ love language. When this is done, you keep warm emotions alive and can make an intelligent decision as to whether you should move to marriage. Often couples break up simply because the emotions are gone, and never get around to looking at the more important issues. I doubt she’ll come back, but try to learn from this experience.

Q&A: Is there a reason my girlfriend broke up with me?

Question: After four years of dating, my girlfriend broke up with me. She said her heart was yearning for another guy she met one week ago. Is there a reason for her sudden change of heart?

Answer: Yes, I don’t know what it is, but there is a reason. Perhaps she has been unhappy in the relationship for some time, but did not make a move to break up until she met someone else to whom she was attracted. The high emotions of the “in love” experience usually last around 2 years. If the couple does not learn to speak each other’s love language, then the emotional love tank gets empty.

Then, they are prime prospects for another relationship.

That is why in my book, The Five Love languages: Singles Edition I encourage dating couples to learn how to speak each others’ love language. When this is done, you keep warm emotions alive and can make an intelligent decision as to whether you should move to marriage. Often couples break up simply because the emotions are gone, and never get around to looking at the more important issues. I doubt she’ll come back, but try to learn from this experience.

Q&A: Do you think sex would help our relationship?

Question: My girlfriend and I have been dating for four years. We think we are ready for sex. My love language is physical touch. Do you think sex would help our relationship? We are both willing, just not sure if it is right for us.

Answer: If you will listen to my advice, I can save you a lot of pain, and give you a better foundation for a successful marriage. I know that my advice is not very popular in today’s culture, but it is backed with 10 years of research. Sex before marriage does not enhance a relationship. It often stimulates guilt, and insecurity.

If one of you eventually breaks off the relationship, it will create extreme emotional pain in the other.  I’ve counseled scores of such individuals over the past few years.  If you eventually decide to get married, your chances of a divorce are increased significantly. To get the full scoop, read the book; The Ring Makes All The Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Co-habitation, by Glenn Stanton. It’s worth the read.

Q&A: Do You Think Sex Would Help Our Relationship?

Question: My girlfriend and I have been dating for four years. We think we are ready for sex. My love language is physical touch. Do you think sex would help our relationship? We are both willing, just not sure if it is right for us.

Answer: If you will listen to my advice, I can save you a lot of pain, and give you a better foundation for a successful marriage. I know that my advice is not very popular in today’s culture, but it is backed with 10 years of research. Sex before marriage does not enhance a relationship. It often stimulates guilt, and insecurity.

If one of you eventually breaks off the relationship, it will create extreme emotional pain in the other.  I’ve counseled scores of such individuals over the past few years.  If you eventually decide to get married, your chances of a divorce are increased significantly. To get the full scoop, read the book, “The Ring Makes All The Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Co-habitation” by Glenn Stanton. It’s worth the read.

Overlooked

Singles adults often feel ‘left out’ or ‘over-looked’ by the church. One young lady said to me, “My church doesn’t have anything for singles.” As a pastor and counselor, I’d really like to help change that reality. That’s why I wrote the book The Five Love Languages Singles Edition. It’s an excellent tool to help you start a single’s study group.

You may only have a few singles in your church, but don’t ignore them. If the church gives them the books and encourages them to start a single’s study group, I can almost guarantee, that one of the singles will take the lead and get things moving. When the singles see that you care, they will respond. It may be the beginning of a whole new ministry in your church.

Categories