Category: Sex

Q&A: How do we handle the scars of pre-marital sex in our marriage?

Q: My wife and I got married recently. I had premarital sex with another woman before I met my wife. We are trying to get rid of the memories. It is very difficult. Do you have any advice?

A: You are identifying one of the major scars of pre-marital sex. Sexual intercourse is not simply the joining of two bodies. It is a deep emotional and spiritual experience. It was designed to bond a man and woman together for a lifetime. It is very difficult to erase the memories because the two of you ‘bonded’. Your memories and your wife’s imagination create an emotional barrier.

My suggestions include: confessing your sin to God and your wife. (I think you have already done this.) Then picture the blood of Christ, flowing over your sin and hiding it from your sight. It happened, but it is now covered by His blood. That is the way God sees your past, and that is the way he wants you to see it. The blood of Christ is the most effective medication for healing the memories.

Q&A: How do we handle the scars of pre-marital sex in our marriage?

Q: My wife and I got married recently. I had premarital sex with another woman before I met my wife. We are trying to get rid of the memories. It is very difficult. Do you have any advice?

A: You are identifying one of the major scars of pre-marital sex. Sexual intercourse is not simply the joining of two bodies. It is a deep emotional and spiritual experience. It was designed to bond a man and woman together for a lifetime. It is very difficult to erase the memories because the two of you ‘bonded’. Your memories and your wife’s imagination create an emotional barrier.

My suggestions include: confessing your sin to God and your wife. (I think you have already done this.) Then picture the blood of Christ, flowing over your sin and hiding it from your sight. It happened, but it is now covered by His blood. That is the way God sees your past, and that is the way he wants you to see it. The blood of Christ is the most effective medication for healing the memories.

Not the Trademark of the World

In a culture which worships at the altar of sex, the Christian must take care not to over-react and view sex as something sinful. The truth is that Hollywood did not invent sex. A holy God, totally separate from sin, made us sexual beings. We must not relinquish the sanctity of sex because some have exploited it.

Sex is not the trademark of the world; it bears the personal label, “made by God.”  However, we must be quick to say that God gave us the ‘owners manual’.  In God’s plan sex is reserved for marriage. Within marriage, sex bonds us together, body, soul and spirit.

 

Every Couple Knows

Every couple I know would like to have a good marriage. Years ago, I wrote a book entitled, The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted. It is my attempt to give couples practical advice on how to have a healthy marriage.

In the book, I deal with such topics as making decisions without loosing your unity, how to get your spouse to change without manipulating, how to divide household responsibilities so that each of us can use our abilities for the benefit of the other. Love, money and sex – they are all included. In short, it is a book on how to have the marriage you’ve always wanted.

 

Intimacy

“We don’t ever do anything together anymore; he’s always gone. Our communication is almost non-existant.” That was her perspective. But he had a different story. He said, “If we could get our sex life straightened out, everything else would be fine.” What they didn’t realize is that they were both asking for the same thing – intimacy.

For him, intimacy meant sex. For her it meant quality time. With a little counseling and a change of attitude, this couple found what they were looking for. In short, they discovered how to speak each other’s love language. What about you? If you long for more intimacy wouldn’t it be worth reading a book or talking with a counselor?

The Purpose

What is the purpose of sex in marriage? What was God’s design? I want to suggest three reasons clearly revealed in Scripture. First, and most obvious is procreation or reproduction. It was God’s design to provide a safe haven in which to rear children. A Second purpose is companionship. Sex is designed to be a bonding experience.

The biblical term is: The two become ‘one flesh’. It is deep deep companionship. I believe that is why it is reserved for marriage. It is our unique expression that we are ‘one’. A third purpose for sex in marriage is for pleasure. If you doubt this, read Song of Solomon in the Bible. God’s design was mutual sexual pleasure.

Failure to Communicate

In a society that is saturated with sex, why do so many couples struggle in this area of  marriage? One of the reasons is that we fail to communicate. Your wife will never know your feelings, needs, and desires if you do not express them. Your husband will never know what pleases you if you do not communicate. I have never known a couple who gained sexual oneness without open communication about sexual matters.

Make a list of suggestions you would like to make to your spouse that would make this part of the marriage better for you. If you would like to read a list made by other husbands and wives see my book: The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted. Communication is the road to finding mutual sexual fulfillment in marriage.

Forgive Each Other

One of the realities in contemporary society is that many couples come to marriage with previous sexual experience, either with each other, or with other partners. The commonly held idea is that sexual experience before marriage better prepares you for marriage. All of the research indicates otherwise. In fact, the divorce rate is twice as high among those who have been sexually active before marriage.

The Christian answer is the confession of wrongdoing and genuinely forgiving each other for past failures. The scars of the past may remain, but the scars serve as a reminder of the grace and love of God. When God forgives us, He no longer holds it against us. We in turn, forgive each other.

Exposure to the Truth

Some Christians have a negative attitude toward sex. It may have come from a distorted sex education, an unfortunate sexual experience as a child, or sexual involvement as a teenager that brought disappointment and guilt. The origin is relatively unimportant. The important thing is to understand that we choose our attitudes.

The first step in overcoming a negative attitude is exposure to the truth. The truth about sex is that within marriage it is God ordained and designed to bring mutual pleasure. As in all of life, we are called to live by the truth. We admit our negative attitudes and feelings, but we don’t serve them. With the help of God we live according to His revealed truth.

Unrealistic Expectations

Contrary to the opinion of some, sex is not a topic that God finds taboo. In fact, sex was God’s idea. He created us male and female and He instituted marriage with the intent that two would become ‘one flesh’. Why then do so many couples fail to find satisfaction in this important area of marriage? I want to suggest one major reason.

Unrealistic expectations. Films, magazines, and novels convey the idea that sexual thrill and mutual satisfaction are automatic. That is simply not true. God told Israel that a young couple should  ‘take a year’ and learn to pleasure each other. What makes us think that we can do so in less time?

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