Category: Sex

Q&A: Husband Viewing Pornography

Q: My husband has struggled with viewing pornography. Where do you suggest I start in dealing with it.

A: Many men are lead down a trail that leads to emptiness and lonliness. The pornography world is not a real world. I do think you have to take a strong stand—if you request that he not be involved in that and it doesn’t help, and typically it doesn’t, you take the tough love approach. You say to him, “I love you too much to sit here and do nothing while you walk down this trail.” Then you decide what you’re going to do—move out, live with your mother for a while, see a counselor—and then you do it and follow through. When he realizes there is a crisis and that you’re not going to accept this as nomr

Q&A: Running On Empty

Q: Is it okay to take overnight trips together with my boyfriend, or are there other ways we can be appropriately “intimate” in the dating relationship?”

A: That’s a very timely question because many young people today are sexually active before marriage. I really think that’s a mistake and that it violates the basic concept of what the sexual part of a relationship is all about. I believe sex is designed by God to be reserved for marriage. So, I think it depends on the nature of the trip: Are you by yourselves? Staying in the same room? Having a sexual relationship? Or do you have separate rooms and are not sexually involved?

It’s a matter of taking seriously the scriptures and developing a relationship in a positive way as opposed to a way that will be detrimental to the future.

Q&A: Is A Man’s Primary Need Sex?

Q: Is it true that a man’s #1 need is physical intimacy or sex?

A: I don’t think so. I think a man’s primary need for emotional health is to feel love. That’s why, not every man has physical touch as his primary love language. Learning to speak the husband’s primary love language, I think, will meet his deepest emotional need. Although, I don’t want to minimize the sexual pat of marriage; meeting a man’s sexual needs in the context of marriage is an important part of marriage. However, it doesn’t stand necessarily above his need to feel loved. His his love language is Words of Affirmation and he feels condemned and put down by you, the sexual relationship will not take care of that need. It will meet his sexual need but will not meet his need to feel loved.

Q&A: Physical Boundaries While Dating

Q: I’ve been in a relationship for several months and we are trying to be careful physically. When is it appropriate to start touching-with boundaries in place?

A: I think different Christians have different opinions on what is appropriate and what is inappropriate in a dating relationship. In the early stages of dating you don’t want to get involved very much physically because if you do, it could overtake the relationship and you don’t spend time getting to know each other, which is the purpose of dating. So, I can’t say what you should and shouldn’t do but during the early stages, I think you ought to hold off on the physical and get to know each other. Then, I also think, there are appropriate and inappropriate touches in a dating relationship.

The Sanctity Of Sex

In a culture which worships at the altar of sex, the Christian must take care not to over-react and view sex as something sinful. The truth is that Hollywood did not invent sex. A holy God, totally separate from sin, made us sexual beings. We must not relinquish the sanctity of sex because some have exploited it. Sex is not the trademark of the world; it bears the personal label, “made by God.” However, we must be quick to say that God gave us the ‘owners manual’. In God’s plan sex is reserved for marriage. Within marriage, sex bonds us together, body, soul, and spirit. For more on finding mutual sexual fulfillment, see my book The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

Q&A: The Line On Physical Touch Before Marriage

Q: Where is the line on Physical Touch before marriage? I think some think this refers only to sex.

A: This is a good question. I cannot give a categoric answer for everyone but I can give you some suggestions. Certainly, sexual intercourse should be off limits for a couple who is dating. But I think other things should also be off limets: putting your hands under clothes, taking off clothes, touching each other’s sexual organs…I think those things are off limits because they are next door to sexual intercourse. Holding hands, on the other hand, is in a different cateogy. Giving a sincere hug or kiss, as I see it, is in a different category. However, I think each individual must draw some guidelines, otherwise we end up going where we never intended to go.

Q&A: How do I deal with an addiction to pornography?

Question: I have been struggling with pornography for a while and I know it hurts my girlfriend. What are some steps to deal with this in the context of a possible marriage in the future?

Answer: Pornography can destroy marriages. It denigrates women and does nothing to enhance relationships. So, recognizing that this is a problem and then turning away from it is one of the most powerful things you can do. I would suggest, depending on how far you are down the road, that you either read a good book that deals with this on how to break the pattern. However, if you really are addicted to it, I suggest you see a Christian counselor and let them help you, along with God’s help, break the addiction. Pornography will never enhance your marriage. Turning away from it is a positive step.

Q&A: How do I deal with an addiction to pornography?

Question: I have been struggling with pornography for a while and I know it hurts my girlfriend. What are some steps to deal with this in the context of a possible marriage in the future?

Answer: Pornography can destroy marriages. It denigrates women and does nothing to enhance relationships. So, recognizing that this is a problem and then turning away from it is one of the most powerful things you can do. I would suggest, depending on how far you are down the road, that you either read a good book that deals with this on how to break the pattern. However, if you really are addicted to it, I suggest you see a Christian counselor and let them help you, along with God’s help, break the addiction. Pornography will never enhance your marriage. Turning away from it is a positive step.

Q&A: Do You Think Sex Would Help Our Relationship?

Question: My girlfriend and I have been dating for four years. We think we are ready for sex. My love language is physical touch. Do you think sex would help our relationship? We are both willing, just not sure if it is right for us.

Answer: If you will listen to my advice, I can save you a lot of pain, and give you a better foundation for a successful marriage. I know that my advice is not very popular in today’s culture, but it is backed with 10 years of research. Sex before marriage does not enhance a relationship. It often stimulates guilt, and insecurity.

If one of you eventually breaks off the relationship, it will create extreme emotional pain in the other.  I’ve counseled scores of such individuals over the past few years.  If you eventually decide to get married, your chances of a divorce are increased significantly. To get the full scoop, read the book, “The Ring Makes All The Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Co-habitation” by Glenn Stanton. It’s worth the read.

Q&A: Do you think sex would help our relationship?

Question: My girlfriend and I have been dating for four years. We think we are ready for sex. My love language is physical touch. Do you think sex would help our relationship? We are both willing, just not sure if it is right for us.

Answer: If you will listen to my advice, I can save you a lot of pain, and give you a better foundation for a successful marriage. I know that my advice is not very popular in today’s culture, but it is backed with 10 years of research. Sex before marriage does not enhance a relationship. It often stimulates guilt, and insecurity.

If one of you eventually breaks off the relationship, it will create extreme emotional pain in the other.  I’ve counseled scores of such individuals over the past few years.  If you eventually decide to get married, your chances of a divorce are increased significantly. To get the full scoop, read the book; The Ring Makes All The Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Co-habitation, by Glenn Stanton. It’s worth the read.

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