Q&A: How do I deal with an addiction to pornography?
Question: I have been struggling with pornography for a while and I know it hurts my girlfriend. What are some steps to deal with this in the context of a possible marriage in the future?
Answer: Pornography can destroy marriages. It denigrates women and does nothing to enhance relationships. So, recognizing that this is a problem and then turning away from it is one of the most powerful things you can do. I would suggest, depending on how far you are down the road, that you either read a good book that deals with this on how to break the pattern. However, if you really are addicted to it, I suggest you see a Christian counselor and let them help you, along with God’s help, break the addiction. Pornography will never enhance your marriage. Turning away from it is a positive step.
Q&A: Do You Think Sex Would Help Our Relationship?
Question: My girlfriend and I have been dating for four years. We think we are ready for sex. My love language is physical touch. Do you think sex would help our relationship? We are both willing, just not sure if it is right for us.
Answer: If you will listen to my advice, I can save you a lot of pain, and give you a better foundation for a successful marriage. I know that my advice is not very popular in today’s culture, but it is backed with 10 years of research. Sex before marriage does not enhance a relationship. It often stimulates guilt, and insecurity.
If one of you eventually breaks off the relationship, it will create extreme emotional pain in the other. I’ve counseled scores of such individuals over the past few years. If you eventually decide to get married, your chances of a divorce are increased significantly. To get the full scoop, read the book; The Ring Makes All The Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Co-habitation, by Glenn Stanton. It’s worth the read.
Q&A: How do we handle the scars of pre-marital sex in our marriage?
Q: My wife and I got married recently. I had premarital sex with another woman before I met my wife. We are trying to get rid of the memories. It is very difficult. Do you have any advice?
A: You are identifying one of the major scars of pre-marital sex. Sexual intercourse is not simply the joining of two bodies. It is a deep emotional and spiritual experience. It was designed to bond a man and woman together for a lifetime. It is very difficult to erase the memories because the two of you ‘bonded’. Your memories and your wife’s imagination create an emotional barrier.
My suggestions include: confessing your sin to God and your wife. (I think you have already done this.) Then picture the blood of Christ, flowing over your sin and hiding it from your sight. It happened, but it is now covered by His blood. That is the way God sees your past, and that is the way he wants you to see it. The blood of Christ is the most effective medication for healing the memories.
Not the Trademark of the World
In a culture which worships at the altar of sex, the Christian must take care not to over-react and view sex as something sinful. The truth is that Hollywood did not invent sex. A holy God, totally separate from sin, made us sexual beings. We must not relinquish the sanctity of sex because some have exploited it.
Sex is not the trademark of the world; it bears the personal label, “made by God.” However, we must be quick to say that God gave us the ‘owners manual’. In God’s plan sex is reserved for marriage. Within marriage, sex bonds us together, body, soul and spirit.
Every Couple Knows
Every couple I know would like to have a good marriage. Years ago, I wrote a book entitled, The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted. It is my attempt to give couples practical advice on how to have a healthy marriage.
In the book, I deal with such topics as making decisions without loosing your unity, how to get your spouse to change without manipulating, how to divide household responsibilities so that each of us can use our abilities for the benefit of the other. Love, money and sex – they are all included. In short, it is a book on how to have the marriage you’ve always wanted.
Intimacy
“We don’t ever do anything together anymore; he’s always gone. Our communication is almost non-existant.” That was her perspective. But he had a different story. He said, “If we could get our sex life straightened out, everything else would be fine.” What they didn’t realize is that they were both asking for the same thing – intimacy.
For him, intimacy meant sex. For her it meant quality time. With a little counseling and a change of attitude, this couple found what they were looking for. In short, they discovered how to speak each other’s love language. What about you? If you long for more intimacy wouldn’t it be worth reading a book or talking with a counselor?
The Purpose
What is the purpose of sex in marriage? What was God’s design? I want to suggest three reasons clearly revealed in Scripture. First, and most obvious is procreation or reproduction. It was God’s design to provide a safe haven in which to rear children. A Second purpose is companionship. Sex is designed to be a bonding experience.
The biblical term is: The two become ‘one flesh’. It is deep deep companionship. I believe that is why it is reserved for marriage. It is our unique expression that we are ‘one’. A third purpose for sex in marriage is for pleasure. If you doubt this, read Song of Solomon in the Bible. God’s design was mutual sexual pleasure.
Failure to Communicate
In a society that is saturated with sex, why do so many couples struggle in this area of marriage? One of the reasons is that we fail to communicate. Your wife will never know your feelings, needs, and desires if you do not express them. Your husband will never know what pleases you if you do not communicate. I have never known a couple who gained sexual oneness without open communication about sexual matters.
Make a list of suggestions you would like to make to your spouse that would make this part of the marriage better for you. If you would like to read a list made by other husbands and wives see my book: The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted. Communication is the road to finding mutual sexual fulfillment in marriage.
Forgive Each Other
Exposure to the Truth