Q&A: How do I deal with an addiction to pornography?
Question: I have been struggling with pornography for a while and I know it hurts my girlfriend. What are some steps to deal with this in the context of a possible marriage in the future?
Answer: Pornography can destroy marriages. It denigrates women and does nothing to enhance relationships. So, recognizing that this is a problem and then turning away from it is one of the most powerful things you can do. I would suggest, depending on how far you are down the road, that you either read a good book that deals with this on how to break the pattern. However, if you really are addicted to it, I suggest you see a Christian counselor and let them help you, along with God’s help, break the addiction. Pornography will never enhance your marriage. Turning away from it is a positive step.
To Love is to Be Patient
In Western culture, we are not trained to be patient.
We get irritated just waiting for the computer to boot up. We are also impatient with people who don’t operate on our time table or waitresses who bring us the wrong order. And yet, patience is one of the traits of love. To be loving is to be patient. In a nutshell: patience is accepting the imperfections of others.
Patience begins by recognizing that people are not machines. They have thoughts, feelings, and they make decisions. Those decisions do not always please us, but we must give them the same freedom that God gives them. To condemn your son for not going to college will not have a positive effect on his life. Step back, and give him freedom to be human.
Q&A: Could you suggest a book for seriously dating couples?
Question: I have a friend who is single and dating, and is ready to commit to a serious relationship. Can you suggest one of your books that I can give to help her?
Answer: Well, I’m glad you asked and I do have a suggestion: Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married. I wrote it for couples that are thinking about marriage—Twelve things that I know now that would have made my marriage much easier. The suggestion is: Each of you read the chapter, do the assignments at the end of the chapter, and discuss it with each other. I think you’ll find that you’ll be much better prepared for marriage after reading the book.
When You Feel Anger, Take a Break
When you are angry with someone it means that, in your mind, they have wronged you. When someone has wronged you, the emotion of anger pushes you to fight back. But fighting back almost always makes the situation worse. One fundamental principle in anger management is to make a covenant with yourself, that you will not attack another person when you are angry.
Verbal and physical explosions are not appropriate responses to anger. So, let’s ask God to help us to ‘take a break’ or ‘take a walk’ when we feel angry. You are less likely to explode if you talk to God about your anger as you walk around the block. Jesus is our example: He did not rail against those who railed against Him.
Q&A: Should we initiate communication with our adult daughter?
Question: Our adult daughter emailed us asking to stop all communication with her for 7 months. Should we try to reinstate communication or wait for her to contact us?
Answer: Well I don’t know what motivated your daughter to ask you to stop communicating. It may be she feels badgered by you. It may be that she feels you’re trying to control her life, and she’s trying to break away and be independent. But I think I would honor her request. In honoring it, you’re communicating to her, “You’re an adult, we respect you and we respect your decisions.” If you do that, chances are she may initiate communication again, you may do it on a different level—one where she may not feel badgered or controlled. Honoring your adult child’s wishes can be the first step in renewing your relationship.
Dealing with Your Anger
I don’t ever remember getting angry until I got married.
Maybe I have a faulty memory, but one thing is certain: six months after the wedding, I found myself angry with my wife. Why? Because she did not live up to my expectations. Incidentally, she was angry with me for the same reason.
In those days, if you had asked me, “Are you angry?” I would have said, “No, I’m just disappointed. I’m hurt.” I had been taught all my life that anger was sinful. I didn’t want to sin, so I gave my anger a different name. The first step in learning to process anger is to admit: “I’m feeling angry.” You can’t deal with it, until you are honest enough to admit that you have it.
Q&A: As a single Christian, how can I build friendships in my church?
Question: As a never-married Christian man with no children, how can I build healthy and enjoyable friendships with other people who are married?Quite often I get excluded from both public and private church fellowship activities.
Answer: I would suggest you take the initiative. You can sit around and feel sorry for yourself at home–no body calls you nobody invites you. Or, you can create things for yourself and for others. You need to build friendships with singles but you also need to have friendships with married individuals. So if you hear something announced at church, if they don’t say that it’s only four couples, I would say sign up for it even though you’re single. Go there, you’ll meet some people you may even start a friendship.
Then, you plan things for the single adults in your church. Let them know that there are others like them who want to be engaged. You can be the change agent.
Q&A: What if I speak one love language and want to receive another?
Question: Is it possible to speak one love language but want to receive a different one?
Answer: Absolutely; About 75% of us speak what we want to receive, but about 25% speak one language predominantly but prefer a different language—probably because we learn to speak that language when we’re children. So it’s okay, you’re not abnormal. For 75% of us what we’re speaking is what we want but for the others, they’re speaking one language and desiring another.
The important thing is that you learn to speak your spouse’s primary language, or in your case your boyfriend’s language, and he learns how to speak your language. When you do that, you keep love alive—even when you come down off the high of the in-love experience.
Q&A: Should I break up with my girlfriend?
Question: My girlfriend and I have been dating for 18 long hard months. She says that God told her I was to be her husband. But God has not told me. I don’t believe we are compatible. Should I give it more time or get out now.
Answer: Eighteen months is a long time. If you have not been able to work through your issues and grow closer, then it is probably time to be realistic and back away from the relationship. I sense that you are a very sensitive person and don’t want to hurt her. Will a breakup be painful for her? Yes. Will it be good for her? Yes. We often grow most through life’s painful experiences. Love does not continue in a relationship that you believe to be unhealthy.
How you break up is very important. You should ask God for wisdom. Don’t communicate that she is a bad person, and don’t question her relationship with God. However, let her know that marriage requires mutual commitment, and that you cannot sincerely make that commitment. Let her know that you want the best for her and will pray for her. Don’t treat her like an enemy, but like a friend from whom you must withdraw. Easy? No! But it’s always better than doing the wrong thing.
Q&A: I feel like a child in my new marriage. Now what?
Question: We are newly married; second marriage for my husband, third for me. I feel like he should add me to his checking. However, he has never mentioned it. I feel like a child who has to ask for an allowance. What should I do?
Answer: Talk about it. The fact that you are newly married is an asset. This is the best time to talk about such things. It’s normal for couples to have issues of adjustment when they get married. I suggest that each week you have a ‘family conference’ in which each of you brings up one thing that is bothering you and the two of you look for an answer. This gives each of you a time to get things on the table.
If it is done on a regular basis, you will process the normal conflicts in a positive way. If you don’t have a set time to talk, you will likely hold things inside until the pressure gets so strong that you explode and end up in an argument. Explosive arguments never enhance a marriage. On the other hand, sharing concerns and looking for solutions draws a couple together. Love is always willing to listen and open to change.
