Q&A: How do I speak my child’s love language of gifts?
Question: My daughter’s primary Love Language is gifts and I’m concerned that in this materialistic world, she confuses what love really is. How can I teach her?
Answer: I think it’s a genuine and legitimate concern. What I would suggest is this: If a child’s love language is gifts, the gifts don’t have to be expensive and they certainly don’t have to be everything a child is asking for. That would be a serious mistake. You can give them little things: a stone you pick up in a parking lot, a flower from the garden, just one bite of candy. Little things will mean a lot to this child. In terms of gifts, you give them something you think will be helpful for them. Don’t give them everything they ask or that will teach them materialism. But give them those things that will be beneficial for them.
Q&A: Should we initiate communication with our adult daughter?
Question: Our adult daughter emailed us asking to stop all communication with her for 7 months. Should we try to reinstate communication or wait for her to contact us?
Answer: Well I don’t know what motivated your daughter to ask you to stop communicating. It may be she feels badgered by you. It may be that she feels you’re trying to control her life, and she’s trying to break away and be independent. But I think I would honor her request. In honoring it, you’re communicating to her, “You’re an adult, we respect you and we respect your decisions.” If you do that, chances are she may initiate communication again, you may do it on a different level—one where she may not feel badgered or controlled. Honoring your adult child’s wishes can be the first step in renewing your relationship.
Q&A: What can I do if he won’t apologize?
Question: Our son and daughter-in-law will not allow us to see the grandchildren. It stemmed from something my husband did last summer. He is not willing to apologize. What can I do?
Answer: That question makes me sad. I cannot imagine having no contact with my grandchildren. I am empathetic with this wife. I don’t know what happened, but if an apology would lift the barrier and he is unwilling to apologize, he needs help. I know he is not likely to go for help. So, I suggest you go for help. Tell him something like this: I love you too much to do nothing. I know that you do not want to deprive the grandchildren of their grand-father.
So, If you are not willing to apologize, then I’m going to see a counselor (or a pastor) and try to find help. I want you to go with me, but if not, then I’m going alone.” Then do it. This kind of tough love, may be what is needed to awaken him to reality. Life is too short to live with broken relationships. You might also give him my book, The Five languages of Apology, which gives real life illustrations of how an apology can restore relationships.
Conversations with Your Teen Child
When your child becomes a teenager you must stop preaching and start teaching.
I grew up in a generation where preachers and teachers were highly respected, but very different in delivery. The preacher was forceful, always passionate and dogmatic. The teacher was more conversational in tone, never overtly passionate, and allowed questions.
Raise your voice with your teenager and he will turn elsewhere for advice. Learn the art of asking questions. For example, “How do you think most students reacted to the burning of the American flag last week?” Affirm their ideas before sharing yours. “That’s an interesting way of looking at it. Let me share my perception.” With teenagers, conversations are more effective than sermons.
Listen to Your Child’s Requests
What do your children request from you most often?
Listen to their requests and you will discover their love language. If your child says, “Does my dress look nice?” Or, “Did I do a good job on my homework?” Their love language is ‘words of affirmation.’ If on the other hand, a child says, “Mommy can I help you set the table?” Or, “Can I help you make the bed?” Then, ‘acts of service’ is likely the child’s love language.
Listen to the requests of your child and you will discover what makes them feel loved. Discovering and speaking your child’s love language is the most effective way of keeping the child’s love tank full. A full love tank makes a child more responsive to instruction and correction.
For more, see my newly updated book: The 5 Love Languages of Children
Q&A: How do I handle my child’s unruly behavior?
Question: I love my 8 year old son, but his behavior sometimes drives me to insanity. Any suggestions?
Answer: Well, as a parent, I can identify with the frustration. I do have one suggestion: make sure your son feels loved. I know that you love him. That is not the question. The question is does your son feel loved? Sincerity is not enough. The deepest emotional need a child has is to feel loved by the parents. When that need is unmet, children often experience anger which shows up in their behavior.
Dr. Ross Campbell and I wrote a book that has just been updated and released called The Five Love Languages of Children. It shares information on how to identify a child’s primary love language and how speaking this language interfaces with the child’s anger, learning , and with discipline. Many parents have shared that when they started speaking their child’s love language they saw a dramatic change in the child’s behavior.
Open to Advice
In most cases, parents are older than their teenagers. With increased age there is increased wisdom. Teens desperately need the wisdom of adults. But why is it that they often reject our advice? I think it is because they feel unloved. They are not sure that we are really interested in them. When we don’t express interest in their events or condemn them for their dress or music, we come across as judgmental. They tune us out.
If you want your teen to receive your wisdom, then speak all five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch. Give heavy doses of their primary language and when they are secure in your love, they will be open to your advice.
Affirmation Before Information
The most important building block of parent-teen relationships is love! Most parents sincerely love their teenagers but thousands of teens do not feel loved. For most parents, it is not a matter of sincerity but rather lack of information on how to effectively communicate love. We are so concerned about the teens behavior, that we often come across as condemning and the teen feels rejected.
When you need to instruct a teenager, make sure you speak love before you give the instructions. Give affirmation before you give information. For example, “I really appreciate the energy you spent in washing your car. It looks nice. Now, let’s be sure to keep that shiny car below the speed limit; otherwise, it will be my car for the next two days.”
Feeling Unloved
When I wrote my book, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, I was surprised to learn how many teens feel unloved by their parents. It’s not that the parents don’t love them. The problem is that the teen does not feel loved. When teenagers feel unloved, they are far more likely to become sexually active, start using drugs and get involved in trouble with the law.
The answer? Learn to speak the love language of your teenager. What are the five love languages? Words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch. Out of these five, your teen has a primary love language. If you speak it your teen will feel loved, if you don’t the love tank will be empty. Much of the teens miss-behavior comes from an empty love tank.
Learn to Talk Softly
The most significant influence on the life of a teenager comes from parents. It may surprise you, but it’s true. Oh, teens are influenced by their peers but they are far more influenced by their parents. That is why we must be certain that we are having a positive influence. One teen said, “My father yells and screams at me; telling me to stop yelling and screaming at him.” Do you understand what the teen is saying? The father’s model is far more important than the father’s words.
If you want teens to stop yelling and screaming, then stop yelling and screaming at them. The Scriptures say, “A soft answer turns away wrath.” Learn to talk softly with your teen and your teen will learn to speak softly to you.
