Start With Your Own Failures
In my thirty years as a marriage counselor, I’ve drawn one conclusion: Everyone wishes their spouse would change. “We could have a good marriage if he would just help me around the house.” Or, “Our marriage would be great if we could have sex more than once a month.” She wants him to change and he wants her to change. Both of them feel condemned and resentful. There is a better way.
Start with your own failures. Admit that you’re not perfect. Confess some of your most obvious failures and tell your spouse that you want to change. Ask your spouse for one suggestion each week on how you could be a better husband or wife. To the best of your ability, make changes. Chances are, your spouse will reciprocate.
Meet in the Middle
There are three ways to make a decision when the two of you don’t agree. After hearing each others’ ideas and desires you may decide to ‘meet each other in the middle’. That is you each give up something, in order to reach a solution. Second, you might ‘agree to disagree.’ Since we can’t agree, we just give each other the freedom to ‘do it your way.’” This works well with the toothpaste battle. You get two tubes, and let one be a middle squeezer and the other a bottom squeezer.
The third possibility is for one of you to say, “I think that this time, I should do what you’re asking. I see how important it is to you and I’m willing to do it cheerfully.” Each of these requires understanding, loving attitudes, and a willingness to change.
Interests of Others
Hear the words of Paul the apostle, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Put that concept into your marriage and you will be well on the road to success. Two selfish people will never have a good marriage.
Two people who are looking out for the well-being of each other, will find harmony. Decisions will not end in a battle if your attitude is “What would be best for you?” Of course, if this is one-sided, where one does all the giving, it will lead to resentment. Mutual respect and mutual love are the keys to a successful marriage.
Mutual Concession
Some couples have never learned how to make decisions together. So, they make decisions independently and try to force their decision on the spouse. This will never create a healthy marriage. We all have personal thoughts, feelings, and desires. Sometimes these clash with those of our spouse. Welcome to the human race.
There is nothing wrong with disagreements. However, we must learn to listen to each other in order to understand their thoughts, feelings and desires. Once we understand each other, then we can look for a solution. Compromise is not a negative word. Webster says, a compromise is ‘a settlement by consent reached by mutual concession.’ That is healthy decision making.
Game Plan
Team members who cannot agree on the game plan will never be winners. God said of Adam, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Therefore, God created a ‘helper suitable for him.’ The word ‘suitable’ means ‘one perfectly matched.’ The word ‘helper’ implies that the wife is to be actively involved with her husband in ‘subduing the earth.’
This principle of this cooperative endeavor applies to decision making as well as other areas of life. Why should a husband be limited to his own insights when he has a wise helper? How can a wife be a helper if she is always silent? When a husband or wife seeks to control the other, they cease to be a team. This was never God’s intention.
Make or Break
The way a couple makes decisions can make or break a marriage. The husband-as-dictator style has destroyed the creative spirit of many wives. The mother-superior attitude has made children out of many husbands. Neither of these patterns is biblical, but many Christians have accepted them as normal.
Marriage is meant to be two persons who are members of the same team. God is the coach, and the husband and wife are teammates. Successful teammates cooperate. “How can we help each other?” is the question asked by members of a winning team. The first step in making wise decisions is to see each other as friends to be helped, not enemies to be punished.
The Well-Being of Others
Separation does not equal divorce. Sometimes separation is an act of love. Love says, “I love you too much to help you do wrong. I will not sit here and let you destroy yourself and me. Therefore, I’m moving out. If you want to make our lives better, then I am willing to go to counseling with you. But I won’t continue to be a part of your destructive behavior.”
If this seems tough; it is. But, it’s also love. Love seeks the well-being of another. In marriage, love is doing whatever is necessary to help your spouse break sinful patterns. When separation is viewed as an effort toward redemption, it is indeed, loving. For more on this topic, you may want to see my book: Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages can be Healed.
A Time to Stop Loving
A lady once asked me, “Is there ever a time to stop loving your spouse?” I responded with a question, “Why do you ask?” “My husband physically and verbally abused me for eight years. He refused to work. I supported the family for 7 years. Then I got sick. Even then, he refused to get a job. I just got tired of it, so I left him. Was I wrong to stop loving him?”
“I’m not sure you stopped loving him,” I said. “This may be the best loving you have ever done. He may even get a job.” “Oh, he’s already promised me that he will get a job and be kind to me if I come back.” “Then let’s see if he follows through,” I said. “If he does, and is willing to get counseling, you can rebuild your marriage.” Sometimes it is ‘tough love’ that brings a spouse to genuine repentance.
Levels of Confrontation
When people disobey God, they hurt not only themselves, but others. In a marriage, sinful behavior will fracture the relationship. What are we to do when a spouse persists in destructive behavior? In Matthew chapter 18 Jesus teaches three levels of confrontation. Tell the spouse how their behavior is affecting you. Request change.
If they don’t respond, then take someone with you and confront them again. If this does not produce repentance, then share the problem with church leadership. If the church leaders confront your spouse and there is still no turning around, then Jesus said, they are to be treated as an unbeliever, not as a brother. This calls for tough love, tough love is the only kind of love that some people understand.
Only You Know You
You cannot have an intimate marriage without communication, for one simple reason: only you know you. The word intimacy comes from the Latin word intimus meaning ‘inner’. Therefore, intimacy comes from sharing the ‘inner person’ – your thoughts, feelings, and desires. You are the only one who knows what is going on inside of you.
If you choose to share your ‘inner self’ and your spouse chooses to listen, there can be understanding and empathy. If your spouse does the same and you listen, the two of you will have an intimate relationship. Talking and listening – it sounds so simple. Often the missing ingredient is love – the desire to help each other rather than get our own way.
