A Wife is a Partner Not a Trophy

A wife is not a trophy to be won in courtship and then placed on the wall for all to observe along with our ten-point buck.

The loving husband views his wife as a partner. She is a living person with whom to have a relationship. She is not a person to be dominated and controlled to satisfy our own desires. She is a person to be known and from whom we can learn.

The idea of the wife as partner is as old as human literature. In the Genesis account of creation, the woman was created from the rib of man. It is a graphic description of her role as partner. The man and his wife were instructed to subdue the earth and to rule over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air and other living creatures. The man was not instructed to subdue his wife. He was told to become “one flesh” with her.

We are different, but these differences were designed by God so that we could complement each other. The husband who views his wife as a partner has taken the first step toward becoming a loving leader in his marriage.

Q&A: How do we prevent arguments during Christmas?

Question: How do you keep a marriage healthy during the Christmas Holidays? It seems like we have our biggest arguments around Christmas.

Answer: Many couples can identify with this question. Christmas can be a stressful time. The buying of gifts, decorating the house, cooking meals, and having extended family present, can all be very stressful. The problem is that we often get so busy with the details of life that we forget to touch each other emotionally. When we don’t feel loved and supported, the stress can bring out irritability and harsh words.

I’ve found that one of the best things you can do to keep your marriage healthy is for each of you to ask the other: “What can I do to help you?” Ask this question at least once a day between now and Christmas.

My second suggestion is to speak the words: “I love You.” at least once a day. That’s my formula for having a Merry Marital Christmas.

Q&A: Are married couples obligated to have children?

Question: Does the Bible teach that married couples are obligated to have children?

Answer: God did say to Adam and Eve, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.” In the Bible, children are viewed as a gift from God. However, I don’t think this means that every Christian couple is obligated to have children. I do think it is the norm for most couples.

If a couple decides not to have children, their reason for such a choice should be clearly understood. And it should not be rooted in selfishness. Some good reasons for not having children might include: physical or mental disabilities, poor relational skills, or ministry for Christ. Selfish reasons might be: the desire to travel, not willing to accept responsibility, wanting to be free to follow personal interests. Make sure your choice is based on a genuine desire to follow God’s plan for your life.

The Loving Leader

For some, the words “loving” and “leader” are anomalies; some people cannot conceive of the two concepts working in tandem. Their idea of leadership is the authoritarian dictator who rules with an iron fist, and their concept of love is mushy and weak. But in the Bible, the husband fits neither of these stereotypes. On the one hand, he is in touch with his feelings and is able to express both pain and joy, sympathy and encouragement. He is able to relate to his wife on an emotional level.

On the other hand, he is strong and dependable, feeling a sense of responsibility for the well-being of his wife and family. He does not run when things get tough but looks for solutions that will benefit the whole family. He is a leader to be sure, but he does not lead in isolation. He values the partnership with his wife; he wants to be there for her, but he has no desire to dominate her. This is the husband as loving leader.

The Husband’s Role in Marriage

In the contemporary world, perhaps nowhere has confusion reigned more than in the area of the husband’s role in marriage.

On one extreme is the concept of the dominant husband who makes all decisions and informs the wife as to what they are going to do, who does not tolerate questions from his wife or his children, and who believes that it is his responsibility to control all the major decisions regarding family life while the wife “takes care of the children.” On the other extreme is the more contemporary “don’t count on me” husband who expects the wife to support the family and make all the major decisions while he is the resident sports information source and keeps his muscles bulging with workouts at the local gym so that his wife will “be proud of him.”

Somewhere between these two concepts is a healthy middle road where the husband is a responsible, dependable, leading but non-domineering husband who is deeply committed to his wife and family.

Q&A: Is my husband spending too much time with his parents?

Question: My husband goes to his parent’s house every afternoon after work and every Friday night. I only see my parents once a week. My question is: What does a healthy relationship with parents look like for a newly-wed couple?

Answer: This is a question that many young couples can identify with, if you  live in the same town as your parents. The Scriptures say that we are to “leave our parents” and “be joined to each other.” What that looks like may differ with each couple, but the principle is clear. It appears to me that you think he is spending too much time with his parents and that may be true.

What I’d like to know is what is he doing when he goes to see his parents? What motivates him to go there? Is his mother demanding that he come to see them? That’s unhealthy. Or, is he helping his father with a work project? That’s different. Is he sharing his marital problems with his parents? That’s not good. Find out the motivation and then seek a pattern that demonstrates that the marriage is priority.

Confessing Failure in Marriage

Improving my marriage means that I must, first of all, identify and confess my own failures to God.

Paul talked about this when he said: “I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man”. None of us are perfect.   Having a good marriage is not dependent upon being perfect, but it does require you to deal with your failures. First you confess your failures to God and experience His forgiveness. Then with the help of His Spirit, you go to your spouse and say:

“I’ve been thinking about us, and I have realized that you are not all of our problem. Last night I asked God to show me where I have been failing you. He gave me a pretty good list. I asked God to forgive me and I’d like to share these with you and ask you to forgive me.” Now you have your spouses’ attention. Something new is happening. They are all ears.

Your spouse may or may not forgive you, but your honesty, clears the wall on your side. It empties your conscience of past failures. It frees you to be constructive today. Friend, your marriage is already better.

Asking for God’s Help in Your Marriage

If you want to improve your marriage, are you open to trying the radical teachings of Jesus?

The first step is get alone with God and pray this prayer: “Lord, you know what I live with, and you know how I’ve been treated. But I know that I’m not perfect and what I want to know is where am I am failing in my marriage. What am I doing and saying that I shouldn’t? What am I failing to do and say that I should?” That is a prayer that God will answer. He will show you your failures. I suggest that you write them down as God brings them to your mind:

1. I was not kind last night. I was harsh and cutting with my words.
2. I have been withdrawing lately. Not willing to talk or express interest in his life.
3. I’ve been acting like God is dead and hope is gone.

Write them down and confess them to God. ‘Lord, I know that these are wrong. I confess them to you. Thank you that Christ has paid for these sins. I ask for your forgiveness.” According to scripture, the moment you ask, you are FORGIVEN. Thank God for His forgiveness. “Now Lord, help me to do something good with my life today.” Friend, you have taken the first step in improving your marriage.

Q&A: Contemplating separation

Question: After 15 years of marriage, we are contemplating separation. We are both Christians but have had many battles, one being depression. I feel I’m done. Is there hope?

Answer: I understand how you might feel like giving up. Depression that extends over a period of time can be difficult to deal with for both of you. However, there is help for those who are depressed. The most successful treatment involves both counseling and medication. I know that some Christians want to stay away from medication, but the reality is that often there is a chemical basis for the depression. Successful treatment then requires medication.

I also know that you may have tried medication and it has not helped, but don’t give up. Different medications help different people. Talk with your doctor and try another medication. However, don’t omit the counseling. Many times the depression is fed by relational issues. This is where a counselor can be very helpful.

Q&A: When the euphoric feelings fade

Question: I feel like my fiancé has lost interest in me. How can I get her to be interested once again?

Answer: It may be that your fiancé is coming down off the emotional high of being ‘in love’. I know that many people believe that if you are really in love, those feelings will remain forever. That is simply not true. The average life-span of the euphoria is two years. So, if you have been dating more than two years, this is likely what is happening.

Many couples break up at this point because they have ‘lost the feelings’. However, if you can learn to speak each other’s love language you can keep emotional warmth in the relationship. It’s not the euphoria, but there will be genuine feelings of love and care. Then you can look realistically at the relationship and whether or not it should lead to marriage.