You Complete Me
Sure it’s a cheesy line from a movie, but how often do we actually feel this way about our spouse? There should be in any marriage a oneness that is evident in all areas of life.
When God said of Adam and Eve, “The two shall become one flesh,” he was not speaking only of physical oneness. In marriage, all of life is to be shared, and communication is the vehicle by which we attain this kind of intimacy.
If we don’t feel that oneness with our spouse maybe we aren’t communicating with them the way we ought to be. We cannot read each other’s minds. If your spouse is to know your thoughts, feelings, and desires, then you have to communicate them. A marriage without communication is like trying to win a million dollars without lifelines.
It may seem silly but even talking about the mundane can improve communication. The easiest level of communication is simply sharing day-to-day events. You are one! Don’t you want to know what your other half did that day?
Questions are so important for communication. If a husband comes home and his wife doesn’t simply ask, “How did things go?” she may communicate, “I don’t care how things went.” If her husband never inquires about her day, she may feel rejected or unloved. Asking questions about the day-to-day events is the easiest and best place to begin. And, it will make communicating easier over all, especially when it comes to discussing important things.
What are some other questions that you could ask besides the age-old, “How was your day?”
What’s Love Got To Do With It?
“Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the Church…”
In the contemporary world, perhaps nowhere has confusion reigned more than in the area of the husband’s role in marriage. On one extreme there’s the dominant husband who makes all decisions and informs the wife as to what they are going to do. On the other extreme is the husband who expects the wife to support the family and make all the major decisions. But, there’s a healthy middle—the husband is a responsible, dependable, leading but non-domineering. A husband who is deeply committed to his wife and family.
Leadership means communication, not control. The husband is to love and provide for his wife as Christ loves and cares for His Church. But how can the husband do that if he doesn’t know her needs? We must take the initiative in asking questions and listening in order to “know” our wives and thus be able to meet their needs. If God invites us to come to Him with our needs, and make our requests known, why shouldn’t the husband do the same?
Being a loving leader requires us to serve whomever we lead. To put them at the top of our priority list. So, the husband who loves his wife will make his wife his number one priority. Throughout the day he will ask himself the question: What can I do for her that will enhance her life? He will pray for her daily and commend her for her accomplishments. Last week Gia commented that to show love for her husband meant that she prays for him. It is equally as important for husbands to be lifting their wives up in prayer as well.
As Christ intercedes for us and showers us with daily blessings, so the husband as a loving leader will shower his wife with actions and words which say, “I love you.” And she? She will follow his leadership.
Today there are two sets of questions:
For the Men-
What ways have you been a loving leader, and what are some ways you want to improve in this area? What could your wife do to help you be a better loving leader?
For the Women-
Submission is a taboo word, why does it bother you so much? What does this word look like in your marriage? What ways do you need to improve in submitting to your husband, and how could he help you with that?
Wise Men Say…Only Fools Fall in Love
Falling “in love” feels foolish sometimes. When young couples come to me for pre-marital counseling, I often ask, “Now let’s see, why do you want to get married? Whatever else they tell me, they always give me the big reason. “We love each other.” Isn’t that sweet. Then I ask a very unfair question, “Now what do you mean by that?”
What does it mean to “fall in love?” It all starts with what I call the “tingles.” Before long, you’re obsessed with them. They are the most wonderful person you have ever met. In your mind they are perfect. But this is hardly the bedrock for a healthy marriage. Why? Because its average life span is only two years.
In the textbook of marriage, the in-love obsession is the introduction. The heart of the book is rational, volitional love. This is good news to the married couple who have lost the “in love” feelings. The fact is, we can learn to meet each other’s emotional need for love.
How has your love in your marriage matured? What ways did you transition from the “in love” feelings to real love?
Better to Give….
When was the last time you gave a gift to your spouse for no reason at all? The last time you just showed them appreciation for who they are?
Gifts are visual symbols of love. Most wedding ceremonies include the giving and receiving of rings.
The person performing the ceremony says, “These rings are outward and visible signs of an inward and spiritual bond that unites your two hearts in love that has no end.”
This isn’t just meaningless rhetoric. It is a significant truth – symbols have emotional and sentimental value. Visual symbols of love are more important to some people than to others. That’s why when you give a gift to some people, they cry or get really excited. It speaks more deeply than words, quality time, physical touch or acts of service.
Is your spouse a gifts person? Give them one gift this week that will make their day, something small that will speak to them. Then encourage others with your story, post a comment telling what you gave them, and how they responded.
The Marriage Turnaround
On last week’s Building Relationships…
Are you a hard worker? How about in your marriage? This week we learned that the key to the turning your marriage around is a willingness to work!
Dr. Chapman and guest Mitch Temple, Director of the Marriage Department at Focus on the Family, give their insight into how to keep struggling marriages alive. And not just that make it thrive.
In his counseling office, Mitch noticed certain patterns of attitudes and thinking within failing marriages. He discusses common marriage myths, and how changing your attitude can change your marriage.
Mitch gives a fresh perspective to the myopic marriage. The tips in his new book, The Marriage Turnaround, can help resuscitate a dying marriage. This book teaches a couple how to end their destructive patterns and practices–to discard the old myths and embrace new truths.
January “Dear Gary” Episode
On this past week’s Building Relationships…
Our January “Dear Gary” broadcast!
We kicked off the show with a caller whose wife had just passed away. The caller ecouraged husbands to love their wives and care for them as God has called them to. Gary expanded on this thought by encouraging spouses to remember that the loss of a loved one can come at any moment. He urged listeners to live in a way that would allow them to end as Brian and his wife did, on a positive loving memory.
We also learned the details on the 2009 Building Relationships Valentine’s Day Contest! Interested? Here’s the deal:
To enter, you must have seen the movie Fireproof.
Call our listener line at 1-866-424-GARY and tell us your story about how the movie made a difference in your marriage relationship-how it clicked with you, or how it gave you a vision for your marriage.
Your voicemail message must not exceed two minutes, and don’t forget to leave your name and phone number. The deadline to call is Tuesday, February 3rd. What you say might even make it on air for our Valentine’s program! The grand prize is a trip for you and your spouse to Gary Chapman’s “A Growing Marriage” conference of your choice, a copy of Fireproof, and a copy of The Five Love Languages. Runners up (15 total) will receive a copy of Fireproof and a copy of The Five Love Languages.
Thanks for listening to Building Relationships radio! Tune in Saturday, February 14 to hear the results of the contest.
Please, one entry per couple. Conference trip expenses will be covered up to $1,000. Winner agrees to pay additional costs. Deadline for entries is Tuesday, February 3rd. Winners will be notified by phone.
In-Laws: God’s Blessing
Learning to Meet Needs
It has been my observation through the years that many husbands simply do not understand the needs of their wives. Conversely, many wives do not understand the needs of their husbands. In their ignorance, they make little effort to meet each others’ needs.
The fact is we all have needs. This is part of what motivates us to get married. When these needs are not met over a period of time, we tend to get irritable. Irritation brings criticism, and criticism brings counter-attack. So, we find ourselves fighting rather than seeking to meet needs. This week we are going to look at marriage as a “mutual aid society.”
All of us have the need for significance or self-worth. We want to feel that we are important, that our lives are counting for something. In marriage we are called upon to encourage each other in our pursuits for significance. Ultimately our self-worth is rooted in who we are, children of God by faith in Christ. This makes us extremely important.
A husband may want his wife to initiate a neighborhood dinner or participate with him in a church Bible study. Such activities may not be at the top of her priority list, but they quickly ascend in importance because meeting his needs is important to her.
The Importance of Attitude
I am responsible for my own attitude. My spouse may treat me unkindly, or ignore me, but I am still responsible for choosing my thoughts. The challenge is to have a loving attitude. The question is, “What is the loving way for me to look at this?” Love always seeks the well being of the other person. This does not mean that I am unconcerned about myself and meeting my needs, but my first concern must be for my spouse.
Trouble is inevitable, but misery is optional. Attitude has to do with the way I choose to think about things. It has to do with one’s focus. Two men looked through prison bars – one saw mud, the other stars. Two people were in a troubled marriage – one cursed, the other prayed. The difference always is attitude.
The challenge of keeping a positive attitude is not a new idea. It is found clearly in the first-century writing of Paul the apostle. He wrote, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds. …Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, or admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” Phil. 4:4-7.
