Answer: First of all, think about our military couples who don’t see each other at all for 12 months. Marriage is not about proximity. Marriage is about two hearts beating together for each other. Together or apart, we are seeking each other’s well-being. We are praying for them, doing what we can to help them, and keeping in touch via phone, e-mail, or texting.

I would encourage you to make the most of the 36 hours you have together each week. Be kind, thoughtful, and loving. Speak each others love language. If you have issues, talk with a pastor or counselor, or read a book. When your time together is pleasant, then your time apart can also be pleasant. Of course, if you argue when you are together, then there is no comfort while you are apart. A strong marriage can endure times of separation.

Question: My girlfriend and I have been dating for four years. We think we are ready for sex. My love language is physical touch. Do you think sex would help our relationship? We are both willing, just not sure if it is right for us.

Answer: If you will listen to my advice, I can save you a lot of pain, and give you a better foundation for a successful marriage. I know that my advice is not very popular in today’s culture, but it is backed with 10 years of research. Sex before marriage does not enhance a relationship. It often stimulates guilt, and insecurity.

If one of you eventually breaks off the relationship, it will create extreme emotional pain in the other.  I’ve counseled scores of such individuals over the past few years.  If you eventually decide to get married, your chances of a divorce are increased significantly. To get the full scoop, read the book; The Ring Makes All The Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Co-habitation, by Glenn Stanton. It’s worth the read.

The good news is that the first and last of these problems can be corrected without the help of your spouse. If you’re willing to get more intimate with God, and take a fresh look at yourself, you’re on the road to growth.

Seek the help of a mature Christian friend, a pastor, or a Christian counselor. Read Christian books on spiritual growth and self-understanding. Pray that God will show you the changes that need to be made in your thinking and behavior. Ask God to show you how and when to express both tender and tough love.

Answer: The short answer is, “Yes”. The longer answer is that couples who live together before getting married are no better prepared for marriage than those who did not. In fact, their divorce rate is even higher. The topics I deal with in Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married are designed to help all couples whatever their past experience.

I include such topics as: I wish I’d Known that…apologizing is a sign of strength; forgiveness is not a feeling; toilets are not self cleaning; how to solve conflicts without arguing; that romantic love has two stages; and that personality profoundly affects behavior.

Most couples who have lived together before marriage have not learned these realities nor the skills to apply them.

A: My first suggestion is postpone the marriage. If you are 20 years old and already applying to graduate schools, you must be exceedingly smart. So, use your smarts. Don’t get married until you have both been accepted into graduate schools and have part-time jobs. This will give you a realistic idea of how much time will be left over for your relationship.

You have plenty of time for marriage. Why not finish graduate school before you get married? If, however, you decide to get married while still in school, I can tell you from experience, you will have minimal time for each other. I got married at 23 while in graduate school and we had some very difficult years. Before you get married, talk with at least two couple who got married while in graduate school – they will give you realistic advice.

I know that’s hard to believe when you are hurt by exploding words, but it is true. Your spouse is an extremely valuable person, a person deeply loved by Christ. Of course, their verbally abusive behavior saddens the heart of God as it does your own. But their abusive behavior does not distract from their worth.

If you can focus on their worth rather than their abuse, perhaps you can be God’s instrument for bringing help. The wife who says: “I’ve been thinking about us. I’ve been thinking about our dating days. I’ve been remembering the tender touch, the kind words, the smiling face, the fun we had in those days. I guess that’s why I believe in you so strongly. I know the good qualities that are there. Sometimes I lose that vision when I am hurt by your verbal attacks, but I know the kind of man you are and I believe in that man.”

She is giving him what all of us need: someone who believes in us. This has powerful potential for motivating positive changes in his behavior.

The verbal abuser has a deep need for self-worth. They are unconsciously seeking to elevate themselves by putting down the spouse. Of course, this is not an acceptable way to build one’s self-esteem.

The spouse who wants to have a positive influence will affirm the need, but reject the behavior.

By saying something like: “I know that you must be terribly frustrated to speak to me in that manner. I wish I could hear you and help, but I am so pained by the words that I cannot listen. If you could write me a note telling me what you feel and how strongly you feel it, maybe I could be there for you and could be the spouse you need.” This statement acknowledges the inner struggles of the abuser, but refuses to accept the destructive behavior. Friend, this is a step in the right direction.

Answer: This is a situation with which many can identify. I’d like to suggest three things. Number One, speak your husband’s love language. The deepest emotional need we have is the need to feel loved. When your husband’s love tank is full, life is much easier to process. He may not have a job, but if he has you, and feels that you really love him, he can go on looking with a positive attitude.

Second, I suggest that you look for volunteer jobs at your church or in your community where you and your husband can volunteer to help others. Getting involved in doing something worthwhile is a big deterrent to getting depressed. Often it is in the context of volunteering that you make new friends and sometimes even find a new job opportunity.

Third, ask your friends to pray for you. That’s what friendship is all about. Don’t walk alone.

Christ is your example. He loved the church and gave himself for it. The church is his priority. He shed his blood for the church. And now, as our ascended Savior, he prays for you. What a model!

So, the husband who takes the Bible seriously will make his wife his number one priority. Throughout the day ask yourself the question: “What can I do for her that will enhance her life?” Pray for her daily. Encourage her worthy pursuits. Commend her for her accomplishments.

As Christ showers us with daily blessings, so you as loving leader should shower your wife with actions and words which say, “I love you”. And she? She will follow your leadership.

This means we must take the initiative in asking questions and listening in order to “know” our wives and thus be able to meet their needs. Does not God invite us to come to Him with our needs, and make our requests known. Why should not the husband do the same?

Application? Go home tonight and say to your wife “Tell me about your day, darling.” Then look into her eyes and listen. Then ask: ‘What could I do right now that would make your life easier?” Then after you have picked her up off the floor, listen and do what she requests. Friend, you are being a loving leader.