Q&A: My fiancé and I argue daily. What should we do?
Question: My fiancé and I have been fighting almost daily about all sorts of things. The amount of arguing is beginning to worry me. Is this going to be a problem in our marriage?
Answer: Yes, if you don’t solve the issue now. Engagement should be a time to discover differences, and find solutions. All couples have conflicts, but arguing with raised voices and harsh words is not the way to solve conflicts. In my book, Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, I have a chapter entitled “I wish I’d known how to solve conflict without arguing.” I believe it is essential to a healthy marriage.
The key is learning to listen with empathy. Most of us have no training in how to listen. We listen only long enough to re-load our guns and shoot back with our ideas. Two people shooting each other with explosive words is a battlefield, not a marriage. Go for pre-marital counseling and put this issue on the table. Learn how to listen, how to respect each others’ ideas and how to find a meeting place. Don’t get married until you learn these skills.
Looks Like Spring
Does your marriage seem cold and distant? Would you like for it to be warm and caring? I came up with seven strategies for developing a marriage that looks like Spring. One of those strategies is: Discovering the Awesome Power of Empathetic Listening. Few things are more powerful than learning to listen to your spouse.
Most of us are not good listeners. We often respond to our spouses’ ideas before we fully understand them. We end up in an argument that leaves both of us frustrated. Learning to ask: “Are you saying….?” And letting your spouse clarify leads to understanding. Once we understand, we can make an informed response. Winter turns to Spring.
