Q&A: How do I deal with an addiction to pornography?
Question: I have been struggling with pornography for a while and I know it hurts my girlfriend. What are some steps to deal with this in the context of a possible marriage in the future?
Answer: Pornography can destroy marriages. It denigrates women and does nothing to enhance relationships. So, recognizing that this is a problem and then turning away from it is one of the most powerful things you can do. I would suggest, depending on how far you are down the road, that you either read a good book that deals with this on how to break the pattern. However, if you really are addicted to it, I suggest you see a Christian counselor and let them help you, along with God’s help, break the addiction. Pornography will never enhance your marriage. Turning away from it is a positive step.
Q&A: What can I do if he won’t apologize?
Question: Our son and daughter-in-law will not allow us to see the grandchildren. It stemmed from something my husband did last summer. He is not willing to apologize. What can I do?
Answer: That question makes me sad. I cannot imagine having no contact with my grandchildren. I am empathetic with this wife. I don’t know what happened, but if an apology would lift the barrier and he is unwilling to apologize, he needs help. I know he is not likely to go for help. So, I suggest you go for help. Tell him something like this: I love you too much to do nothing. I know that you do not want to deprive the grandchildren of their grand-father.
So, If you are not willing to apologize, then I’m going to see a counselor (or a pastor) and try to find help. I want you to go with me, but if not, then I’m going alone.” Then do it. This kind of tough love, may be what is needed to awaken him to reality. Life is too short to live with broken relationships. You might also give him my book, The Five languages of Apology, which gives real life illustrations of how an apology can restore relationships.
Q&A: What do I do if my husband has an addiction?
Question: We’ve been married for 2 months and I just found out that my husband is using drugs and gambling. What now?
Answer: I know this doesn’t help, but for the sake of our listeners I must ask the question: Did you not see this before you got married? To the singles who are listening: Please keep your eyes open and ask questions. Dating is a time to get to know each other. These issues are best faced before you get married. Now, having said that to singles, I’ll answer your question. Confront your husband with tough love. Don’t ignore his gambling and drug use.
Continue to love him and to speak his love language, but also let him know that you love him too much to do nothing while he moves down a negative pathway. If he responds negatively, then contact a pastor or counselor and let them advise you. They can help you apply tough love. He needs help and unless he gets help, he will never reach his potential. Confront him—the sooner, the better. This problem will not go away simply with the passing of time.
Q&A: How do we deal with alcohol addiction in a marriage?
Q: How can you deal with alcohol addiction in a marriage, especially when that person doesn’t think they have a problem?
A: Thousands of people can identify with that question. In my book Desperate Marriages, I address the problem. My approach is to see yourself as a positive change agent. The process is two pronged: First, tender love and second tough love. By ‘tender love’ I mean—learn their love language and speak it daily, no matter how they treat you.
Then, six months into this process, you make the request that they seek treatment. Keep loving them. Then, apply tough love. You might say, “I love you too much to sit here and do nothing while you destroy yourself. If you do not go for treatment, then I’m moving in with my mother.” Then move out. Since you have been loving them in a meaningful way for 6 months, they now have something to lose. Typically, they respond. After treatment, you can get marriage counseling and rebuild your marriage.
The Person Behind their Verbally Abusive Tongue
Behind every verbally abusive tongue is a person of value.
I know that’s hard to believe when you are hurt by exploding words, but it is true. Your spouse is an extremely valuable person, a person deeply loved by Christ. Of course, their verbally abusive behavior saddens the heart of God as it does your own. But their abusive behavior does not distract from their worth.
If you can focus on their worth rather than their abuse, perhaps you can be God’s instrument for bringing help. The wife who says: “I’ve been thinking about us. I’ve been thinking about our dating days. I’ve been remembering the tender touch, the kind words, the smiling face, the fun we had in those days. I guess that’s why I believe in you so strongly. I know the good qualities that are there. Sometimes I lose that vision when I am hurt by your verbal attacks, but I know the kind of man you are and I believe in that man.”
She is giving him what all of us need: someone who believes in us. This has powerful potential for motivating positive changes in his behavior.
The Verbal Abuser
Most people who verbally abuse their spouse are saying more about their own needs that they are about their spouses character.
The verbal abuser has a deep need for self-worth. They are unconsciously seeking to elevate themselves by putting down the spouse. Of course, this is not an acceptable way to build one’s self-esteem.
The spouse who wants to have a positive influence will affirm the need, but reject the behavior.
By saying something like: “I know that you must be terribly frustrated to speak to me in that manner. I wish I could hear you and help, but I am so pained by the words that I cannot listen. If you could write me a note telling me what you feel and how strongly you feel it, maybe I could be there for you and could be the spouse you need.” This statement acknowledges the inner struggles of the abuser, but refuses to accept the destructive behavior. Friend, this is a step in the right direction.
Q&A: How do you prevent post-Christmas depression?
Question: How do you keep from being depressed after the gifts are all distributed, the family is all gone and the Christmas tree stands empty in the corner?
Answer: Well, that’s where all of us are today, Right? I don’t mean we are all depressed, but the empty tree now stands in the corner. For some of you, the extended family will remain for a few days, but by Friday they will be gone. No question about it, there can be an emotional ‘let-down’ after Christmas. We have been so busy, doing so many things. We may be emotionally spent.
My suggestion is that you have a daily quiet time with God each morning this week. You might read the book of Philippians, one chapter each day. Ask God to speak to you through His word. After reading, talk to God about what you read. Ask questions, express thanks, make requests. A conversation with God each day can keep you from the after Christmas blahs. After all, He came to give us abundant life.
