Category: General

Mom’s Choice Awards Presented to Love Language Books

The Mom’s Choice Awards has named Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages Singles Edition (Northfield Publishing, 2009), as well as The Five Love Languages of Children (Northfield Publishing, 1997) among the best in family-friendly media, products and services.

The esteemed Mom’s Choice Awards seal helps parents, educators, librarians and retailers wade through an overwhelming number of choices to select quality materials for families.

The Five Love Languages Singles Edition has proven itself a must-read for single adults in all walks of life. This special edition helps readers successfully navigate relationships in the workplace, friendships, and the dating environment. The Five Love Languages of Children explores how speaking the right love language affects and transforms a child’s attitude, behavior, and development.

To learn more about Mom’s Choice Awards, visit www.momschoiceawards.com.

Mom's Choice Awards Presented to Love Language Books

The Mom’s Choice Awards has named Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages Singles Edition (Northfield Publishing, 2009), as well as The Five Love Languages of Children (Northfield Publishing, 1997) among the best in family-friendly media, products and services.

The esteemed Mom’s Choice Awards seal helps parents, educators, librarians and retailers wade through an overwhelming number of choices to select quality materials for families.

The Five Love Languages Singles Edition has proven itself a must-read for single adults in all walks of life. This special edition helps readers successfully navigate relationships in the workplace, friendships, and the dating environment. The Five Love Languages of Children explores how speaking the right love language affects and transforms a child’s attitude, behavior, and development.

To learn more about Mom’s Choice Awards, visit www.momschoiceawards.com.

The Best and Worst Public Apologies of 2009

By Guest Blogger: Dr Jennifer Thomas Expert in Relationships

The Best: This year’s winner with 5 stars: Pastor Robin Phillips

Phillips is a former pastor who returned to give a 15-minute apology to his congregation 10 years after his dismissal for having had an affair with a church member. In his unprecedented public apology, Phillips used all five of our languages of apology.

Here is a quote from his apology:

“What I am here to do today is pretty simple. I am here to say I am sorry. I recognize the immeasurable pain, hurt and confusion I brought into this room- into your lives- into your families- into your hearts- and into the hearts of people that you love. My sin didn’t just cause a car wreck. It wasn’t a mere multi-car pile up. It was a train wreck and there were a couple of thousand passengers in those cars. A part of what made it so hard was that in that train wreck it wasn’t just you that got hurt. It was you and your spouse, it was you and your kids, it was you and your friends, it was you and your church. By having an affair, I betrayed you in the worst kind of way.”

The full text of Phillips’ apology can be found on my blog under An Unprecedented Public Apology

The Worst: This year’s loser with 0 stars: representative Virgina Foxx

In May 2009, a North Carolina newspaper reported that U.S. Rep. Virginia Foxx wrote a letter of apology to the mother of Matthew Shepard, a gay young man whose name is on a bill adding sexual orientation to federal hate-crimes legislation.

Foxx was interviewed by WXII, a local television station, after withdrawing the word “hoax”, which she had used in describing Matthew Shepard’s 1998 murder. Foxx added that she sent a handwritten note to Jane Shepard, his mother, saying:

“If I said anything that offended her, I certainly apologize for it and know that she’s hurting, and I would never do anything to add to that.”

My analysis: The word “If” invalidates this apology. If I were to have given her apology even a single star, it would have been revoked with no”ifs, ands, or buts” due to the failure of Rep. Foxx to convey sincerity in her pitiful apology.

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Dr. Jennifer M. Thomas is a motivational speaker and psychologist in private practice in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Jennifer is the co-author, along with Dr. Gary Chapman of The Five Languages of Apology. She consults with companies on leadership and relationship issues. Visit her website: drjenthomas.com

Article Source: http://www.bizymoms.com/expert-advice

Keeping Romance Alive

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  If we take Twain literally, he only needed six compliments a year.  Believe me, Your spouse, your child, your friend will need more than that.  Verbal compliments, or words of affirmation are powerful communicators of love.  Imagine hearing these words, “You look sharp in that suit.”  “Do you ever look nice tonight.”  “I appreciate your washing the dishes.”

“Thanks for getting the baby sitter lined up.”  What would happen to the emotional climate in your relationship if you heard such words of affirmation regularly?  Then why not develop the habit of speaking such words to others.  Compliments, stimulate compliments.

Choose Your Words Wisely
Is there something your spouse has expressed a desire to do?  Such as: loose weight, write an article, go back to school, or learn to ski?  Then why not encourage their dream?  Many dreams are killed by a spouse or friend who says, “It’s not realistic.”  “We can’t afford it.”  “You won’t follow through.”  Why be a dream killer?

Learn to speak encouraging words such as: “I know you can do it because you are an excellent writer.”  “If you want to go back to school, we’ll find the money.”  “If you decide to go on a diet, I’ll be happy to join you.”  One encouraging statement can be the difference between success and failure.  Remember, we give life or death to people’s dreams by what we say.

Prepare for Valentine’s Day in Advance
If you haven’t bought your valentine a card, flowers, candy, or a gift, today is the day to do so.  If you don’t have any money, then make a card.  Get the paper out of the trash can where you work.  Cut out a heart.  Write the words, “I love you.”  Be creative.  You don’t have to have money to keep romance alive, but you do have to thoughtful.

The husband who ignores Valentines Day is digging his own marital grave.  Marriages are kept alive by expressions of love.  Why not write a love letter to your spouse today.  On Valentine’s Day, you can give it to her or your can read it to her.  Or, you can do both.  Words of affirmation is one way of keeping romance alive in a marriage.  Don’t miss this opportunity.

Don’t Let Valentines Day Be Just a Normal Day

Happy Valentines Day.  This is the day to be nice.  Don’t go home without a card.  Underline key words and add a few of your own.  If you can afford it, have flowers delivered before you get home.  Take your lover out to dinner.  Or, if she prefers a nice quiet evening at home, then be sure you wash the dishes and take out the trash.

Do something different.  Don’t let this be a normal day.  What’s the big deal, you ask?  The big deal is keeping romance alive in a marriage.  Some husbands only want sex, but I can tell you that when you separate sex from romance, your wife will never be satisfied.

Pick out a few choice lines from the Song of Solomon in the Bible and read them to your wife, and you’ll have a happy valentines day.

Disappointed?
If you’re married, and this Valentine’s Day proves to be a disappointment because your spouse didn’t make it a special day, don’t despair.  Couple’s often have different ideas about what it means to be romantic.  Sit down and make a list of the things that would have made Valentine’s really special for you.  Put this list in a safe place because next year, you are going to give it to your spouse a week before Valentines Day.

But do I have to wait a year for my marriage to get better?  No, No.  If you haven’t read my book The 5 Love Languages, this is the time to read it, and get your husband the Men’s Edition.  Discuss it and learn to speak each others love language and watch romance return long before another Valentines Day.

Developing an Attitude of Service

Before marriage, I dreamed about how happy I would be when we got married. I had visions of all the wonderful things my wife would do for me. Sausage and eggs together in the mornings. Candlelight dinners at night. Holding hands all day long and sex every night. I assumed that she had the same visions.

But, after marriage I found out that my wife didn’t do mornings. So much for the sausage and eggs. She anticipated that I would take her out to romantic restaurants for dinner, not as a prelude to sex, but simply because I loved her.

I expressed my disappointment with her and she expressed her disappointment with me. We succeeded in being utterly miserable. Our marriage didn’t turn around overnight, but it did turn around. And so can yours. I want to share the secret. It all has to do with attitude.

Jesus’ life and teachings focused on sacrificial service to others. He once said, “I did not come to be ministered to, but to minister.” It is a theme that all truly great men and women of the past have affirmed. Life’s greatest meaning is not found in getting, but in giving. This profound principle made a significant difference in my marriage. Developing an attitude of service is not easy but the rewards are overwhelmingly positive. Few people will run away from someone who is serving them.

My wife was no exception. When I reached out to serve her, it wasn’t long before she was reaching out to me. Jesus had it right!  Why did it take me so long to learn?

How would a wife respond to a husband who sincerely sought to serve her? In my desperation I was determined to find out. I set myself to discovering her needs and desires and sought to fulfill them. I began quietly and slowly to do some of the things she had requested in the past. You see, by now we were too estranged to talk about our relationship, but I could choose to take action on some of her previous complaints.

I started washing dishes without being asked. I volunteered to fold the clothes. It seemed to me these where the kind of things Jesus might have done had He been married. When she made specific requests, I determined to respond cheerfully and if possible to do them.

In less than three months, my wife’s attitude toward me began to change. She came out of her shell of withdrawal and began to talk again. I think she sensed that my days of preaching were over and that my attitude toward her was changing. Genuine acts of service seldom go unrewarded. Before long, our hostility was gone, and we began to have positive feelings toward each other.

You see, if I believe that it is more blessed to give than to receive; that serving my spouse is more important than being served; that my best end is found in making her life better, then it will affect the way I treat her. When she sees this attitude expressed in my behavior she knows that something has changed. If I am consistent, then service becomes a lifestyle.

Most wives and husbands are attracted to someone who shows genuine concern for them. The person who follows the example of Jesus – in serving others, is on the road to greatness and to a growing marriage relationship.

Adapted from The Family You’ve Always Wanted: Five Ways You Can Make it Happen by Dr. Gary Chapman.

Helping Your Husband Grow

Wives can’t change their husbands, but wives can and do have a tremendous influence on their husbands.  How can you make that influence positive?

1.   Men respond positively to praise.

One of the most common complaints men make in my office is: “Dr. Chapman, in my work I am respected.  People come to me for advice.  But at home, all I get is criticism.”  What she considers suggestions, he reads as criticism.  Her efforts to stimulate growth have backfired.

Give him praise.  The fastest way to influence a husband is to give him praise.  Praise him for effort, not perfection.  You may be asking, But if I praise him for mediocrity, will it not stifle growth?  The answer is a resounding “No”.  Your praise urges him on to greater accomplishments.

My challenge is to look for things your husband is doing right and praise him.  Praise him in private, praise him in front of the children, praise him in front of your parents and his parents, praise him in front of his peers.  Then stand back and watch him go for the gold.

2.    Requests are more productive than demands.

None of us like to be controlled, and demands are efforts at controlling.  “If you don’t mow the grass this afternoon, then I’m going to mow it.”  I wouldn’t make that demand unless you want to be the permanent lawn mower.  It is far more effective to say, “Do you know what would really make me happy?”  Wait until he asks, “What?” Then say, “If you could find time this afternoon to mow the grass.  You always do such a great job.”

Let me illustrate by applying the principle to you.  How do you feel when your husband says “I haven’t had an apple pie since the baby was born.  I don’t guess I’m going to get any more apple pies for eighteen years”?  Now, doesn’t that motivate you?    But what if he says, “You know what I’d really like to have?  One of your apple pies.  You make the best apple pies in the world.  Sometime when you get a chance, I’d really love one of your apple pies.  Chances are he’ll have an apple pie before the week is over.  Requests are more productive than demands.

3. Love is a two way street.

If a wife wants to enhance her husband’s ability to give her emotional love, perhaps her greatest influence will be in loving him.  In my book, The Five Love Languages, I talk about the importance of discovering your husband’s primary love language – the thing that really makes him feel loved: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, physical touch, or acts of service.  Once you discover it, pour it on.  Husbands are drawn to wives who are meeting their emotional need for love.

Can you do it, even if he is not loving you.  God did.  He loved us when we were unlovely.  But that’s God.  I’m me.  I know, but you are God’s child and He can empower you to love an unlovely spouse.  I’ve seen it many times.  A wife chooses to speak her husband’s love language, even though she doesn’t feel loved by him.  He warms up and in time begins expressing her love language.  Can emotional love be re-born in a marriage? You bet.  But someone must begin the process.  Why not you?

4. Defensiveness reveals the inner self.

A wife says, “Why does my husband get so defensive?  All I have to do is mention that the grass needs mowing and he goes ballistic.”

This husband is revealing his self-esteem hot spot.  Some experience in his past has tied his sense of self worth to mowing the grass.  Your mention of the grass translates “She thinks I’m not doing my job.  I work like crazy, and now she is on my case about the grass.”  He sees it as a negative statement about his worth.

I know you didn’t mean it that way.  That’s why I suggesting you observe his defensiveness, so that you can learn what is going on inside of him.  We don’t know these emotional hot spots until we touch one.  It would be a good idea to make a list of all your husband’s defensive reactions.  Note what you said and did and how he responded.  This insight will help you discover another way to discuss the topic that will be less threatening to his self-esteem.

Both husbands and wives hold a tremendous influence on their spouse. However, it is up to you whether your influence is positive.

Quality Time with God

The idea that the eternal God desires to spend quality time with His creatures is one aspect of faith unique to Christianity. The gods who have been created by the imagination of human minds have always been far removed from people’s daily lives. The gods of the ancient Greek and Roman myths had to be placated or feared. The idea of having a close personal relationship with those deities did not exist.

Jesus’ Prayer
Jesus indicated that the desire of the entire Trinity—God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit—was to “abide” (make a home) with anyone who responds to God’s love. Jesus promised never to leave His followers, and told them that He would be with them forever. In one of Jesus’ prayers, He said, “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.” Clearly, Jesus desired quality time with all of those who responded to His love.

Love Expressed
The Psalms often speak of God’s love for those He created and His desire to draw near and spend quality time with them. For example, “The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” The New Testament describes a similar relationship with God as James promises, “Come near to God and he will come near to you.”

Do You Desire Quality Time?
When someone’s primary love language is quality time, uninterrupted times of communion with God are not difficult, but joyous. They are not burden-causing, but burden lifting. Recently a woman told me, “I feel closest to God when I have my daily quiet time with Him. It is the most important part of my day. When I miss that time, my whole day seems empty and I don’t feel as close to God. It is in those personal times with Him that I feel His love.” Not everyone would echo this woman’s sentiment, but it is certainly true of those individuals whose primary love language is quality time. Those who seek time with God will discover that He is ready and waiting to meet with them. Quality time is a love language that He is always prepared to speak.

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