Q&A: Can Our Marriage Grow if We are Apart Often?
Question: My husband is a long haul truck driver and only home a short time. How can you have a growing marriage when you only see each other about 36 hours per week?
Answer: First of all, think about our military couples who don’t see each other at all for 12 months. Marriage is not about proximity. Marriage is about two hearts beating together for each other. Together or apart, we are seeking each other’s well-being. We are praying for them, doing what we can to help them, and keeping in touch via phone, e-mail, or texting.
I would encourage you to make the most of the 36 hours you have together each week. Be kind, thoughtful, and loving. Speak each others love language. If you have issues, talk with a pastor or counselor, or read a book. When your time together is pleasant, then your time apart can also be pleasant. Of course, if you argue when you are together, then there is no comfort while you are apart. A strong marriage can endure times of separation.
Q&A: Do you believe in New Year’s resolutions?
Question: Do you believe in New Year’s Resolutions? It seems that every year I make a list, but seldom accomplish my goals. Consequently, I feel guilty. I’m beginning to think it would be better not to make the list.
Answer: I can certainly identify with this perspective, but I do believe in New Year’s Resolutions. All of us need to evaluate our lives periodically, and the beginning of a new year is a good time to do that. Let me share some ideas that can make this a positive experience. First, make your objectives realistic. Don’t shoot for the moon. Second, make your goals measurable. Better to say, I plan to have a quiet time with God at least once a week this year. Than to say, I’ll do it every day. This is both realistic and measurable.
Third, pray that God will give you wisdom on how to reach your goals. If you want to loose 20 pounds, you need to have a plan. God can guide you to the plan that is right for you. And Fourth, don’t measure your worth by your performance. You are valued by God, even if you don’t keep your resolutions.
Q&A: How do you prevent post-Christmas depression?
Question: How do you keep from being depressed after the gifts are all distributed, the family is all gone and the Christmas tree stands empty in the corner?
Answer: Well, that’s where all of us are today, Right? I don’t mean we are all depressed, but the empty tree now stands in the corner. For some of you, the extended family will remain for a few days, but by Friday they will be gone. No question about it, there can be an emotional ‘let-down’ after Christmas. We have been so busy, doing so many things. We may be emotionally spent.
My suggestion is that you have a daily quiet time with God each morning this week. You might read the book of Philippians, one chapter each day. Ask God to speak to you through His word. After reading, talk to God about what you read. Ask questions, express thanks, make requests. A conversation with God each day can keep you from the after Christmas blahs. After all, He came to give us abundant life.
Q&A: Is difference in age a deal breaker?
Question: Should a difference in age be a deal breaker for a relationship?
Answer: It depends on how old you are. If you are 16 and he is 26, then “Yes” age should be a deal breaker. You are too young to be involved with someone 10 years older than you. You have high school and college ahead of you. A person who is 26 and wanting to date you is revealing his own insecurity and may even be a predator.
On the other hand, if you are a widow of 46 and dating a man who is 56, age difference is less important. You are both old enough to be mature. There may be other factors that would indicate you should not get married, but age would not be that significant. The general principle is that the younger you are the more important age difference becomes.
The First Step is Yours
Improving a marriage is hard work, but the good news is you can do it because the first step is always yours.
Jesus said, first get the beam out of your own eye and then you can help your spouse get the speck out of theirs. I know that someone is objecting: “But the beam really is not in my eye. I’m not perfect, but the real problem is my spouse.” Let’s assume for a moment that you are correct. Let’s say that your spouse’s behavior accounts for 95% of your marital problems. Now that only leaves 5% for you. I’m suggesting and I think Jesus was suggesting that you best begin with your five percent.
In fact, your five percent is all that you can ever change. You cannot confess your husband’s sins, but you can certainly confess your own. You cannot change his behavior, but you can certainly change yours. Once you deal with YOUR five percent, the marriage is already improved. I will guarantee that your action will get the attention of your spouse.
Is there a marriage that doesn’t need help?
There’s no doubt that couples with troubled marriages are desperate for improvement. However, I find that even couples with good marriages recognize that there‘s room for growth. I’m convinced that you can have a better marriage and the key to improving your marriage is you. Some of you might be thinking, “But you don’t understand, I live with an alcoholic. My wife is depressed. My husband is abusive.” Others of you may be thinking, “Well, my marriage is not that bad.” The question is—do you want to have a better marriage? My response is you can and the first step is yours.
Jesus said, “Why do you keep talking about your spouses’ faults and spend so little time thinking about your own? Don’t you know that if you’ll begin by cleaning up your own act, you will have a greater influence on your spouse? First let’s deal with your own failures, then you can expect to see change in your spouse!” (loosely paraphrased from Matt. 7:1-5).
Q&A: When your friends don’t think he’s good for you
Question: I am very much in love with my boyfriend and we have a wonderful relationship. However, some of my friends have concerns about things that don’t bother me. They would actually like to see us break up. What should I do?
Answer: Listen to your friends. I don’t mean that you should necessarily break up. What I mean is that you need to listen to what your friends are saying. It is not uncommon to have blind-spots. Your friends see things you don’t see. You need to find out what their concerns are and then address the issues. If you don’t, you are likely to wake up married and then realize that your friends were right.
Don’t assume that just because you are in love, you should get married. It is highly possible to fall in love with someone you should not marry.
Helping Succeed
Winter marriages can turn to Spring. Most of us are self-centered. We focus on our goals. Often we reach those goals and lose our marriage. How many men have climbed the ladder of vocational success to find themselves alone at the top? I can’t believe that is what any of us want. But if we don’t develop our marriages as we climb the ladder, both of us are losers.
There is a better way! Focus on helping your spouse succeed. Find out their aspirations and how you can help. The Scriptures say, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” That principle is true in marriage. Learn the joy of helping your spouse succeed. Your Winter marriage will turn to Spring.
Neglect
When a marriage begins to fall apart, it usually begins with neglect. We stop giving our attention to each other. We live our own independent lives and we drift apart. I call this the Fall season of marriage. How do we move from Fall back to Spring? We begin to do the kind of things we did when we first met each other. Meals together, asking questions and listening, as well as sharing positive comments and doing things together; these are the things that lead to a Spring marriage.
Maybe it’s time for you to plan a “date night” and do something fun together. Get your mind off your problems and focus on what you have in common. If you’ve been arguing, call a truce and share a pizza. Don’t continue drifting apart. It’s worth the effort.
Winning Attitude
Winter, fall, spring and summer; which best describes your marriage? Over the years, I’ve spent time in all four seasons. But I personally prefer Spring and Summer. I like it when my marriage is filled with hope, excitement, peace and we both feel connected. How do you create that kind of marriage?
When I wrote my book: The Four Seasons of Marriage, I discovered seven strategies for spending more time in Spring and Summer. One of those strategies is Choosing a Winning Attitude. As long as you say, “There’s no hope. It’s gone on too long.” You stay locked into a Winter marriage. When you look for the positive and put your hand in the hand of God, Winter can melt into Spring.
