Blessed to Give

Adults and youth alike are attracted to the young man or woman who goes out of his or her way to serve others. Healthy families are producing this kind of young people. As parents we must seek to build an attitude of service into the hearts of our children. Start young by teaching children to be ‘helpers’. Then celebrate their ‘service’ with cheers and accolades. Make ‘service to others’ a big thing in your family.

When children see that serving others is important to you, it will become important to them. Take them with you when you deliver cookies to the elderly. Let them help you shovel snow from the neighbors drive. Children learn by experience that “it is more blessed to give than to receive.”

Virtues of Work

In Bill Bennett’s book, The Book of Virtues, he lists work as one of the top ten virtues. Most historians agree that Western culture was built on the work ethic. In the family, much work needs to be done. The question is who will do the work and with what attitude? In a healthy family work is seen as an act of love, as something noble and godly.

How do you build this attitude into the hearts of your children? First, by your model. When you say to a child, “I just love making breakfast for you,” you are demonstrating an attitude of service. Second, by celebrating the service that is already being done. Around the table, Johnny says, “one way in which Dad served me today is…” And every one says, “Yeah, Dad.”

Attitude of Service

Slavery is at the heart of dysfunctional families. Service is at the heart of healthy families. Slavery creates anger, bitterness, and resentment. Service stimulates love, and encouragement. Service is freely given, not out of fear, but out of choice. It comes out of the personal discovery that “it is more blessed to give than to receive.”

In my book, The Family You’ve Always Wanted, I list “an attitude of service” as one of the five fundamentals of a healthy family. The husband serves the wife. She serves him. Together they serve the children. Later, the children learn to serve the parents and each other. Then, the entire family serves people outside the family. Imagine what would happen if service became a way of life in our families.

Age Appropriate

If your child’s love language is acts of service, your acts of service must be age appropriate. You should do for your children what they cannot do for themselves. Making beds for four-year-olds is an act of service, but eight-year-olds are capable of doing that themselves. Children need to learn to operate a washing machine and dryer before they get to college.

As a child gets older, we shift from doing things for them, to teaching them how to do things for themselves. Parents who are too busy to teach children how to do laundry, or too perfectionist to let them do it, are not loving children, but crippling them. It takes more time to teach a child how to prepare a meal than it does to do it yourself, but which is more loving?

The Two Greatest Commands

Jesus said that the two greatest commands are to love God and love your neighbor. During this week when our society is thinking about Valentine’s Day, what a wonderful time to focus on loving God and your family (who are your closest neighbors). Each day  ask yourself: What can I do today that will express my love to God?

Then, ask the same question about your family. For your wife, you might volunteer to wash the dishes. For your daughter you might purchase a valentines card. For your son you might invest an hour in playing with him. Do something each day this week to express your love to God and your family. This is the Christian lifestyle: Love as a Way of Life.

Service Vocation

Parenting is a service-oriented vocation. The day you decided to have a child, you enrolled for full-time service. Your contract called for a minimum of 18 years of service with an understanding that you would be on ‘active reserve’ for several years after that. For some children ‘acts of service’ is their primary love language. What makes them really feel loved is when you do something for them.

Cooking meals, mending doll dresses, washing clothes, and helping them with their projects are all acts of service. Your primary motivation is not to ‘please’ them, but to love them – to do what is best for them. As you serve them you are also providing a model which they will learn to emulate. You are following the example of Christ.

Three Purposes of Marriage

What is the purpose of sex in marriage? What was God’s design? I want to suggest three reasons clearly revealed in Scripture.

First, and most obvious is procreation or reproduction. It was God’s design to provide a safe haven in which to rear children.

A second purpose is companionship. Sex is designed to be a bonding experience. The biblical term is: The two become ‘one flesh’. It is deep deep companionship. I believe that is why it is reserved for marriage. It is our unique expression that we are ‘one’.

A third purpose for sex in marriage is for pleasure. If you doubt this, read The Song of Solomon in the Bible. God’s design was mutual sexual pleasure.

Birthdays and Family in Eternity

One year ago today, my mother turned 99. Today she is in heaven. We often talked about her living to be one hundred. But I knew that was not her desire. She talked about going home, and I knew she was not talking about her earthly home. Two weeks before she died she prayed, “Lord, take me home. My work is done.” On March 9th this year, God answered her prayers.

My mother’s name was Grace, and that has been her spirit though all these years. She gave her heart to Christ as a teenager and has walked with Him ever since. My dad and sister are both in heaven. I can only imagine the reunion they are having. I thought about singing “Happy 100th Birthday Mom”, but I don’t think that matters in eternity. On this day, I’m extremely grateful for a Christian family.

Real Men Speak 5 Languages

Guest Post by Zack Williamson (Chapman Team)

Recently I was watching an episode of the new NBC show Losing It with Jillian. This particular episode featured the Vivio family who were learning to overcome some obstacles in regards to their weight. Along the way, a few relationship issues came to the forefront. One of these was Mark’s (husband/father) mentality that real men don’t let their emotions show. Originally instilled from his father, Mark was taught to just “suck it up” and provide for the family. At one point Mark even made this statement about his dad, “To this day he still can’t say it [I love you].” Unbeknownst to Mark, this attitude was having a negative effect on his son, Elijah.

Sometimes the way we think we show love best is not actually the best way to show love. Let me explain. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, everyone has a primary way in which they prefer to receive love called their primary love language. When someone speaks this love language to them, it fills their “love tank” to the brim and, inadvertently, they feel loved. Chapman has revealed five distinct languages from which our primary can be drawn—Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Quality Time.

If we do not know, or understand, that the “love tank” of others might be filled best through a language other than our own, we often default to showing love in the way we prefer to receive love ourselves. In Mark’s case, he was speaking Gifts by providing for the material needs of his family. But when he found that, due to some physical issues, he was no longer able to provide to the same degree he once could, Mark struggled with how to show love to his family.

Through a conversation with his wife and Jillian, Mark realizes that Elijah needs more than just provision—he needs Words of Affirmation from his father. During a heartfelt chat with his son, Mark tells Elijah that he is proud of him. A smile appears on Elijah’s face and the video cuts to Elijah saying, “When my dad told me how proud he was of me, I was happy.” In that one powerful moment Mark learns to speak his son’s love language and what a difference it makes for Elijah!

When you learn to speak love languages you are not necessarily comfortable with, you are showing a form of selfless love that speaks for itself. It shows you are genuine and that your love is real. Mark learned this, and his family is better for it.

Mark, thanks for caring enough to step out of your own comfort zone to love your family well. Real men speak 5 languages.

Mom’s Choice Awards Presented to Love Language Books

The Mom’s Choice Awards has named Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages Singles Edition (Northfield Publishing, 2009), as well as The Five Love Languages of Children (Northfield Publishing, 1997) among the best in family-friendly media, products and services.

The esteemed Mom’s Choice Awards seal helps parents, educators, librarians and retailers wade through an overwhelming number of choices to select quality materials for families.

The Five Love Languages Singles Edition has proven itself a must-read for single adults in all walks of life. This special edition helps readers successfully navigate relationships in the workplace, friendships, and the dating environment. The Five Love Languages of Children explores how speaking the right love language affects and transforms a child’s attitude, behavior, and development.

To learn more about Mom’s Choice Awards, visit www.momschoiceawards.com.