The 5 Love Languages® » Family

Q&A: Are there any books for couples who both have divorced parents?

Chapman Team — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 14:50:08 +0000

Question: Do you have any book recommendations for Christian couples who are both products of divorce? We want to create a family life that we were not given.

Answer: Thank God for the thousands of couples who have this desire. Their parents divorced, and they don’t want their children to go through the pain that they experienced when they were children. I do believe that God can help you accomplish this goal. The key is to get a clear picture of what a healthy family looks like.

I spell this out in my book: The Family You’ve Always Wanted. I give the five fundamentals of a healthy family: An attitude of service, intimacy in the marriage, p[arents who teach and train, children who obey and honor parents, and husbands who are loving leaders. The book is filled with practical ideas on how to build such a family.

With God’s help you don’t have to repeat the pattern of your parents.

Q&A: How can we acknowledge the true meaning of Christmas at our family gathering?

Chapman Team — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 14:44:44 +0000

Question: My husband’s family comes to our house for Christmas. They are not Christians. I want to do something that shows them the real meaning of Christmas. What do you suggest?

Answer: I think that Christmas offers a unique opportunity to speak of Christ in a very natural way. Most of our families know that Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ. They may focus on gifts, food, and family, but behind all of that there is the memory that Christmas is about Christ. Therefore, it would not be out of place or abnormal to recognize that reality.

One of the things that we have done with our extended family is to read the Christmas story from Luke chapter 2, and then have one of our younger children sing a Christmas song such as “Away in a Manger.” Then all of us sing, “Silent Night” or some other familiar Christmas carol. Then I pray or call on some other family member to pray. It is a simple way of acknowledging Christ as the center of Christmas.

Q&A: Is my husband spending too much time with his parents?

Chapman Team — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 14:38:33 +0000

Question: My husband goes to his parent’s house every afternoon after work and every Friday night. I only see my parents once a week. My question is: What does a healthy relationship with parents look like for a newly-wed couple?

Answer: This is a question that many young couples can identify with, if you live in the same town as your parents. The Scriptures say that we are to “leave our parents” and “be joined to each other.” What that looks like may differ with each couple, but the principle is clear. It appears to me that you think he is spending too much time with his parents and that may be true.

What I’d like to know is what is he doing when he goes to see his parents? What motivates him to go there? Is his mother demanding that he come to see them? That’s unhealthy. Or, is he helping his father with a work project? That’s different. Is he sharing his marital problems with his parents? That’s not good. Find out the motivation and then seek a pattern that demonstrates that the marriage is priority.

Get the Card

Chapman Team — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 13:37:28 +0000

Would you like to teach your family how to handle anger in a positive way? In my book: Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way, I suggest that couples write the following words on an index card and put it on the refrigerator. When they feel angry toward a family member, they get the card and read it to the person at whom they are angry. Here’s what the card says:

“I’m feeling angry right now, but don’t worry. I’m not going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is this a good time to talk?” It brings a little humor into the tenseness and it reminds me what I am not going to do – lose my temper. It also asks for help in dealing with my anger. Try it! It may become a family tradition.

Open to Advice

Chapman Team — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 13:43:33 +0000

In most cases, parents are older than their teenagers. With increased age there is increased wisdom. Teens desperately need the wisdom of adults. But why is it that they often reject our advice? I think it is because they feel unloved. They are not sure that we are really interested in them. When we don’t express interest in their events or condemn them for their dress or music, we come across as judgmental. They tune us out.

If you want your teen to receive your wisdom, then speak all five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch. Give heavy doses of their primary language and when they are secure in your love, they will be open to your advice.

Feeling Unloved

Chapman Team — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 13:34:30 +0000

When I wrote my book, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, I was surprised to learn how many teens feel unloved by their parents. It’s not that the parents don’t love them. The problem is that the teen does not feel loved. When teenagers feel unloved, they are far more likely to become sexually active, start using drugs and get involved in trouble with the law.

The answer? Learn to speak the love language of your teenager. What are the five love languages? Words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch. Out of these five, your teen has a primary love language. If you speak it your teen will feel loved, if you don’t the love tank will be empty. Much of the teens miss-behavior comes from an empty love tank.

Learn to Talk Softly

Chapman Team — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 13:28:29 +0000

The most significant influence on the life of a teenager comes from parents. It may surprise you, but it’s true. Oh, teens are influenced by their peers but they are far more influenced by their parents. That is why we must be certain that we are having a positive influence. One teen said, “My father yells and screams at me; telling me to stop yelling and screaming at him.” Do you understand what the teen is saying? The father’s model is far more important than the father’s words.

If you want teens to stop yelling and screaming, then stop yelling and screaming at them. The Scriptures say, “A soft answer turns away wrath.” Learn to talk softly with your teen and your teen will learn to speak softly to you.

Panic Mode

Chapman Team — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 13:24:33 +0000

I think it is safe to say that in no generation has the task of parenting teenagers been more perplexing than at the present time. Teenage violence is no longer limited to the fictional world of movies. Many of the parents I meet are in the panic mode. Especially if their own teen is sexually active or using drugs. So what’s a parent to do?

It may surprise you, but I think you should start by apologizing to your teenager for your own failures. None of us are perfect. We have all failed to be kind, loving and encouraging to our teens from time to time. When you apologize, you open the door to the possibility of building a better relationship with your teen. It’s the place to start.

True Greatness

Chapman Team — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 12:03:01 +0000

Adults and youth alike are attracted to the young man who goes out of his way to serve others. True greatness is found in serving. No parents challenge their children to be like Hitler, while thousands challenge their children to be like Jesus. The hallmark of Jesus was service to others. Peter said of Him, “He went about doing good.” Would you like for that to be said of your children?

It all begins at home. If your children hear you ask, “What can I do to help you today?” They will learn to ask the same question. As they see you experience the satisfaction of serving, they will follow your model. Service will become a way of life and your children will bless the world.

It’s Contagious

Chapman Team — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 12:59:17 +0000

Did you wake up this morning and ask yourself: “How can I serve my spouse today?” If you did, you probably live in a healthy family. Nothing stimulates a positive family atmosphere like an attitude of service. And, if you have it, it’s contagious. Your children will pick up on it and your spouse will begin to reciprocate. Everyone takes delight in serving.

Jesus said, “Whoever will be great among you, let him be your servant.” Jesus set the example. We are His followers. Tonight, let your family report on ways in which they served others today. It will focus your family on what is important. Your family can impact the world for good and it all begins with an attitude of service.