Category: Engagement

Q&A: My fiancé and I fight daily. What should we do?

Question: My fiancé and I have been fighting daily, it’s beginning to worry me. Is this going to be a problem in our marriage?

Answer: All couples have conflicts. But arguing with raised voices and harsh words is not the way to solve conflicts. In my book: Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, I have a chapter entitled “I Wish I’d Known How to Solve Conflict Without Arguing.” I believe it is essential to a healthy marriage. The key is to listen with empathy. Most of us have no training on how to listen. We listen only long enough to reload our guns and shoot back with our ideas.

Go for premarital counseling and put this issue on the table. Learn how to listen, how to respect each other’s ideas and how to find a meeting place. Don’t get married until you learn these skills.

Q&A: My fiancé and I fight daily. What should we do?

Question: My fiancé and I have been fighting daily, it’s beginning to worry me. Is this going to be a problem in our marriage?

Answer: All couples have conflicts. But arguing with raised voices and harsh words is not the way to solve conflicts. In my book: Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, I have a chapter entitled “I Wish I’d Known How to Solve Conflict Without Arguing.” I believe it is essential to a healthy marriage. The key is to listen with empathy. Most of us have no training on how to listen. We listen only long enough to reload our guns and shoot back with our ideas.

Go for premarital counseling and put this issue on the table. Learn how to listen, how to respect each other’s ideas and how to find a meeting place. Don’t get married until you learn these skills.

Q&A: Should I break up with my fiancé?

Question: My fiancé always checks out girls while he is with me. I feel like I am disappearing and feel very insulted. Should I break up the relationship?

Answer: Perhaps! It all depends on how he responds when you share your feelings with him. I assume you have shared your feelings. If not, you need to do so. He will not know that you feel insulted if you do not tell him. If he responds: “It’s no big deal. It’s just something I do. It doesn’t mean anything to me.” Then tell him that it is a big deal with you. Tell him that you cannot marry a man who has eyes for other women.

If he tries to put you down. Then tell him that you are not going to marry him without pre-marital counseling. Stick to that decision. Then, make sure this issue is raised in the counseling sessions. A counselor can help both of you discover what is appropriate and inappropriate. It is worth postponing the wedding date to resolve this issue. If you can’t get the problem solved, then my advice is to break off the engagement.

Q&A: Should I break up with my fiancé?

Question: My fiancé always checks out girls while he is with me. I feel like I am disappearing and feel very insulted. Should I break up the relationship?

Answer: Perhaps! It all depends on how he responds when you share your feelings with him. I assume you have shared your feelings. If not, you need to do so. He will not know that you feel insulted if you do not tell him. If he responds: “It’s no big deal. It’s just something I do. It doesn’t mean anything to me.” Then tell him that it is a big deal with you. Tell him that you cannot marry a man who has eyes for other women.

If he tries to put you down. Then tell him that you are not going to marry him without pre-marital counseling. Stick to that decision. Then, make sure this issue is raised in the counseling sessions. A counselor can help both of you discover what is appropriate and inappropriate. It is worth postponing the wedding date to resolve this issue. If you can’t get the problem solved, then my advice is to break off the engagement.

Q&A: How do I learn to deal with my fiancé’s first marriage?

Question: I’m engaged to someone who has a child from a former marriage. It bothers me. Will I ever get over the mistakes he made when he was younger?

Answer: Probably not. This is one reason why second marriages are so difficult. I don’t mean you can’t learn to deal with it, but it will always be a factor. Until the child becomes an adult, your fiancé will likely have some contact with the mother of the child. This creates all kinds of emotions in you, him, and the child. It is a reality with which you must live. I’m not saying you should not marry him. I’m just saying you need to be realistic and decide how you are going to deal with this reality.

Holidays, recitals, sporting events, graduations and weddings are always more complicated in a second marriage. I suggest you talk with some of your friends who are in such marriages and ask how they have handled these issues. Also, pre-marital counseling would be a wise investment. Don’t ignore your concerns. They will not go away with time. Finding answers to these issues is one of the purposes of engagement.

Q&A: How do I learn to deal with my fiancé's first marriage?

Question: I’m engaged to someone who has a child from a former marriage. It bothers me. Will I ever get over the mistakes he made when he was younger?

Answer: Probably not. This is one reason why second marriages are so difficult. I don’t mean you can’t learn to deal with it, but it will always be a factor. Until the child becomes an adult, your fiancé will likely have some contact with the mother of the child. This creates all kinds of emotions in you, him, and the child. It is a reality with which you must live. I’m not saying you should not marry him. I’m just saying you need to be realistic and decide how you are going to deal with this reality.

Holidays, recitals, sporting events, graduations and weddings are always more complicated in a second marriage. I suggest you talk with some of your friends who are in such marriages and ask how they have handled these issues. Also, pre-marital counseling would be a wise investment. Don’t ignore your concerns. They will not go away with time. Finding answers to these issues is one of the purposes of engagement.

Q&A: My fiancé and I argue daily. What should we do?

Question: My fiancé and I have been fighting almost daily about all sorts of things. The amount of arguing is beginning to worry me. Is this going to be a problem in our marriage?

Answer: Yes, if you don’t solve the issue now. Engagement should be a time to discover differences, and find solutions. All couples have conflicts, but arguing with raised voices and harsh words is not the way to solve conflicts. In my book, Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, I have a chapter entitled “I wish I’d known how to solve conflict without arguing.” I believe it is essential to a healthy marriage.

The key is learning to listen with empathy. Most of us have no training in how to listen. We listen only long enough to re-load our guns and shoot back with our ideas. Two people shooting each other with explosive words is a battlefield, not a marriage. Go for pre-marital counseling and put this issue on the table. Learn how to listen, how to respect each others’ ideas and how to find a meeting place. Don’t get married until you learn these skills.

Q&A: My fiancé and I argue daily. What should we do?

Question: My fiancé and I have been fighting almost daily about all sorts of things. The amount of arguing is beginning to worry me. Is this going to be a problem in our marriage?

Answer: Yes, if you don’t solve the issue now. Engagement should be a time to discover differences, and find solutions. All couples have conflicts, but arguing with raised voices and harsh words is not the way to solve conflicts. In my book, Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, I have a chapter entitled “I wish I’d known how to solve conflict without arguing.” I believe it is essential to a healthy marriage.

The key is learning to listen with empathy. Most of us have no training in how to listen. We listen only long enough to re-load our guns and shoot back with our ideas. Two people shooting each other with explosive words is a battlefield, not a marriage. Go for pre-marital counseling and put this issue on the table. Learn how to listen, how to respect each others’ ideas and how to find a meeting place. Don’t get married until you learn these skills.

Q&A: Do You Address Cohabitation in Your Book?

Question: As a pastor, I’m asked to officiate weddings for couples who have lived together before deciding to marry. Does your book: Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, apply to such couples?

Answer: The short answer is, “Yes”. The longer answer is that couples who live together before getting married are no better prepared for marriage than those who did not. In fact, their divorce rate is even higher. The topics I deal with in Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married are designed to help all couples whatever their past experience.

I include such topics as: I wish I’d Known that…apologizing is a sign of strength; forgiveness is not a feeling; toilets are not self cleaning; how to solve conflicts without arguing; that romantic love has two stages; and that personality profoundly affects behavior.

Most couples who have lived together before marriage have not learned these realities nor the skills to apply them.

Q&A: Do you address cohabitation in your book?

Question: As a pastor, I’m asked to officiate weddings for couples who have lived together before deciding to marry. Does your book: Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, apply to such couples?

Answer: The short answer is, “Yes”. The longer answer is that couples who live together before getting married are no better prepared for marriage than those who did not. In fact, their divorce rate is even higher. The topics I deal with in Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married are designed to help all couples whatever their past experience.

I include such topics as: I wish I’d Known that…apologizing is a sign of strength; forgiveness is not a feeling; toilets are not self cleaning; how to solve conflicts without arguing; that romantic love has two stages; and that personality profoundly affects behavior.

Most couples who have lived together before marriage have not learned these realities nor the skills to apply them.

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