Separation Does Not Necessarily Lead to Divorce
It’s my conviction that separation does not necessarily lead to divorce.
Separation forces us to admit that we have serious problems. When we examine divorce, we realize that divorce doesn’t solve anything. In fact, it creates more problems. The best of our options is to seek reconciliation.
The Christian who makes this choice has all the help of God. God instituted marriage. He knows that marriage is not easy, but He also knows that He wants to use the pains of marriage to build us into more Christ-like people. When this happens, then the potential for a renewed marriage becomes real. Are you asking God to use your present pain to make you more like Christ? As you grow in your own intimacy with Him, you will have His wisdom in what you should do in relating to your spouse. Your actions cannot control your spouse, but your actions will influence your spouse, for better or for worse.
Q&A: Are there any books for couples who both have divorced parents?
Question: Do you have any book recommendations for Christian couples who are both products of divorce? We want to create a family life that we were not given.
Answer: Thank God for the thousands of couples who have this desire. Their parents divorced, and they don’t want their children to go through the pain that they experienced when they were children. I do believe that God can help you accomplish this goal. The key is to get a clear picture of what a healthy family looks like.
I spell this out in my book: The Family You’ve Always Wanted. I give the five fundamentals of a healthy family: An attitude of service, intimacy in the marriage, p[arents who teach and train, children who obey and honor parents, and husbands who are loving leaders. The book is filled with practical ideas on how to build such a family.
With God’s help you don’t have to repeat the pattern of your parents.
Q&A: Contemplating separation
Question: After 15 years of marriage, we are contemplating separation. We are both Christians but have had many battles, one being depression. I feel I’m done. Is there hope?
Answer: I understand how you might feel like giving up. Depression that extends over a period of time can be difficult to deal with for both of you. However, there is help for those who are depressed. The most successful treatment involves both counseling and medication. I know that some Christians want to stay away from medication, but the reality is that often there is a chemical basis for the depression. Successful treatment then requires medication.
I also know that you may have tried medication and it has not helped, but don’t give up. Different medications help different people. Talk with your doctor and try another medication. However, don’t omit the counseling. Many times the depression is fed by relational issues. This is where a counselor can be very helpful.
Seeds We Plant
Over the past thirty years, I have counseled many couples who were contemplating divorce. The one scripture that always comes to my mind is Gal. 6:7. “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.” God gives us real freedom, but we are never free from the seeds we plant. The pain and brokenness of divorce follows us and our children for a lifetime.
When the Bible says that “God hates divorce,” it’s because He knows the pain that divorce causes. I know that you cannot make your spouse reconcile. But you can reach out for help. Call a pastor, a counselor, a friend; read a book. Discover your options and don’t forget that God is the God of miracles.
Renewed Determination
Marital separation sometimes brings a temporary sense of ‘peace’. One husband said, “This is the first week of peace I’ve had for years.” Of course he felt peace; he had left the battlefield. However, retreat is not the road to victory. You must come from that retreat with a renewed determination to defeat the enemy of your marriage.
If you are separated, use this time to examine the biblical principles for building a marriage. Discover where you went wrong and how to correct it. Reach out for God’s help. I wrote the book Hope for the Separated to help you do this. Separation is not necessarily the end. It may be the beginning of rediscovering the dream you shared when you were first married.
Clearest Voice
When marriages fall apart, where do we go for help? The Christian turns to God because we know that He cares. The Bible is God’s clearest voice for guidance. And the Bible calls us to repentance and reconciliation. Notice I said repentance. There can be no reconciliation without repentance. In marriage, this calls for mutual repentance, for almost always the failure has involved both parties.
I do not wish to minimize the hurt, pain, frustration, anger, resentment, loneliness, and disappointment you may feel. Nor do I take lightly your past efforts at marital adjustment. But this is a new day and calls for new choices. Deal with your own failures and ask God to help you do something positive today. Reconciliation comes one step at a time.
Living Again
You dreamed of a marriage where each made the other supremely happy. Now one of you has walked out. Separation is not the time to capitulate. Your dream can live again. But not without work – work that will demand listening, understanding, discipline and change. That work will likely involve the help of an outside counselor; someone who can help you think, evaluate, and reach out for God’s help.
I know you’ve tried before, but sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. One of God’s great gifts is the gift of choice. It is extremely important that you make the right choices. Don’t go it alone. Reach out to a pastor, a counselor, or a friend. There is hope for the separated.
Seperation is Not Divorce
When your spouse walks out, is there still hope for your marriage? Separation does not equal divorce. Separation may be the valley of restoration, and the pain you feel may be the labor pains that will give rebirth to your marriage. What happens will be determined by what you and your spouse say and do in the next few weeks and months.
In a very real sense, separation calls for intensive care, much like that given to one in grave physical danger. The condition of your marriage is ‘critical’. Things can go either way at any moment. Be assured, God is concerned about the outcome. Begin each day with prayer for His wisdom. When you ask, you will receive.
Your Marriage is Worth It
Does divorce seem like the best alternative to you? If so, I hope you’ll read my book Desperate Marriages. Divorce, unlike death, does not end contact with the other person, especially if you have children. Nor is divorce a pretty picture financially. Research indicates that 73 % of divorced women experience a decline in standard of living.
One wife said, “Our marriage was bad, but our divorce is even worse. I still have all the responsibilities I had when we were married, but now I have less time and less money.” The effects of divorce linger for a lifetime. So do yourself a favor, call a counselor, read a book, or reach out to a pastor. Your marriage is worth it.
Children and Divorce
When parents divorce, typically children feel intensely rejected. Children get angry at their parents for violating the basic rule of parenthood – parents are supposed to make sacrifices for children, not the other way around. Because we are creatures of memory, we may carry the pain of broken relationships for a lifetime.
After the divorce, most parents plan to continue good relationships with their children, but parent-child relationships are forever altered by divorce. As adults, they often fear that their own marriage will fail. And in fact, the divorce rate for ‘children of divorce’ is higher than for those whose parents stay together. So, do your children a favor, continue to work on your marriage.
