Q&A: My husband comments about other women. Help!
Question: We are a newlywed couple. My husband jokes about good-looking women, in front of me. I am offended. He says, “it doesn’t mean anything.” I’m having serious jealousy issues.
Answer: You may both be right. It may not ‘mean anything’ to him. But, you are hurt and jealous. Those would be normal feelings. Many men make comments about ‘good looking women’. When a man is single, these comments are most often made to other men. However, not many women want to hear such comments from their husbands. In fact, I don’t know any women that welcome such comments.
So, tell him that you find that offensive. Remind him that he is married, and that you are not ‘one of the boys’. Give him a little slack. It takes a while to break old habits. But whatever you do, don’t accept these comments as appropriate. You are newly married and this is the time to ‘set the record straight’ that such comments are not acceptable. Also, be open to his requests for changes in your speech or behavior. This is a normal part of early marital adjustments.
The Verbal Abuser
Most people who verbally abuse their spouse are saying more about their own needs that they are about their spouses character.
The verbal abuser has a deep need for self-worth. They are unconsciously seeking to elevate themselves by putting down the spouse. Of course, this is not an acceptable way to build one’s self-esteem.
The spouse who wants to have a positive influence will affirm the need, but reject the behavior.
By saying something like: “I know that you must be terribly frustrated to speak to me in that manner. I wish I could hear you and help, but I am so pained by the words that I cannot listen. If you could write me a note telling me what you feel and how strongly you feel it, maybe I could be there for you and could be the spouse you need.” This statement acknowledges the inner struggles of the abuser, but refuses to accept the destructive behavior. Friend, this is a step in the right direction.
Q&A: How do we prevent arguments during Christmas?
Question: How do you keep a marriage healthy during the Christmas Holidays? It seems like we have our biggest arguments around Christmas.
Answer: Many couples can identify with this question. Christmas can be a stressful time. The buying of gifts, decorating the house, cooking meals, and having extended family present, can all be very stressful. The problem is that we often get so busy with the details of life that we forget to touch each other emotionally. When we don’t feel loved and supported, the stress can bring out irritability and harsh words.
I’ve found that one of the best things you can do to keep your marriage healthy is for each of you to ask the other: “What can I do to help you?” Ask this question at least once a day between now and Christmas.
My second suggestion is to speak the words: “I love You.” at least once a day. That’s my formula for having a Merry Marital Christmas.
Love Does Not Accept
If your spouse sins against you, it’s time to get angry! Even God gets angry when people sin. He reaches out in love to convict, discipline and correct. Should we do less? God’s purpose for anger is that it motivates us to lovingly confront. We dare not sit idly by and make no effort to help our spouse turn from sin.
When I say ‘lovingly confront’, I’m not talking about yelling and screaming at your spouse. I’m suggesting you say something like this: “I’m deeply hurt by your behavior. I’m concerned about you and about us. Please, can we talk about this?” If they are unwilling to talk, you pray and try again. Love does not accept sinful behavior.
Restraining Response
Uncontrolled anger can destroy your marriage! All of us get angry when we believe that we have been wronged. Feeling angry is not sinful, but how you respond may be. In Ephesians 4:26 we read: “Being angry, sin not, don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” We are responsible for controlling our behavior. The husband or wife who lashes out with harsh words is sinning.
The first step in learning to control your anger is to restrain your immediate response. Count to 100 before you do anything. Take a walk around the block. Go water your flowers. Do something to stop the flow of hurtful words or abusive behavior. Take a ‘time out’ and you’re less likely to sin.
Looks Like Spring
Does your marriage seem cold and distant? Would you like for it to be warm and caring? I came up with seven strategies for developing a marriage that looks like Spring. One of those strategies is: Discovering the Awesome Power of Empathetic Listening. Few things are more powerful than learning to listen to your spouse.
Most of us are not good listeners. We often respond to our spouses’ ideas before we fully understand them. We end up in an argument that leaves both of us frustrated. Learning to ask: “Are you saying….?” And letting your spouse clarify leads to understanding. Once we understand, we can make an informed response. Winter turns to Spring.
No Response
In your marriage, are you a preacher or are you sitting in the congregation? As a pastor I’ve always been amazed how people can listen to me preach and have no response. But this happens in many marriages. One is a talker, sharing their thoughts, feelings, desires and frustrations, while the other has no response.
Now don’t get me wrong. Listening is good but the purpose of listening is to understand what is going on inside the other person so you can have a meaningful response. If that response is guided by love it will be honest and caring.
Seeds We Plant
Over the past thirty years, I have counseled many couples who were contemplating divorce. The one scripture that always comes to my mind is Gal. 6:7. “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.” God gives us real freedom, but we are never free from the seeds we plant. The pain and brokenness of divorce follows us and our children for a lifetime.
When the Bible says that “God hates divorce,” it’s because He knows the pain that divorce causes. I know that you cannot make your spouse reconcile. But you can reach out for help. Call a pastor, a counselor, a friend; read a book. Discover your options and don’t forget that God is the God of miracles.
Renewed Determination
Marital separation sometimes brings a temporary sense of ‘peace’. One husband said, “This is the first week of peace I’ve had for years.” Of course he felt peace; he had left the battlefield. However, retreat is not the road to victory. You must come from that retreat with a renewed determination to defeat the enemy of your marriage.
If you are separated, use this time to examine the biblical principles for building a marriage. Discover where you went wrong and how to correct it. Reach out for God’s help. I wrote the book Hope for the Separated to help you do this. Separation is not necessarily the end. It may be the beginning of rediscovering the dream you shared when you were first married.
Clearest Voice
When marriages fall apart, where do we go for help? The Christian turns to God because we know that He cares. The Bible is God’s clearest voice for guidance. And the Bible calls us to repentance and reconciliation. Notice I said repentance. There can be no reconciliation without repentance. In marriage, this calls for mutual repentance, for almost always the failure has involved both parties.
I do not wish to minimize the hurt, pain, frustration, anger, resentment, loneliness, and disappointment you may feel. Nor do I take lightly your past efforts at marital adjustment. But this is a new day and calls for new choices. Deal with your own failures and ask God to help you do something positive today. Reconciliation comes one step at a time.
