Do you have a plan for handling anger in your marriage?
Let’s begin by admitting that all of us experience anger. Your spouse treats you unfairly, or they fail to do something that you expected them to do, so you feel angry. In a healthy marriage, the couple has an agreement: that when you feel angry, I want you to tell me. I can’t help you with your anger until I know what you are angry about.
And yet, this is a new idea for many people. One wife said, “You mean I’m supposed to tell my husband that I am angry that he washed his car and did not wash mine.” That’s right I said, unless you want to have a dirty car the rest of your life. Sharing your anger is the only way to process your anger in a positive way.
Discover Your Past Failures
Most of us will admit that we are not perfect.
From time to time we say and do things that are not loving, kind, or helpful. In a marriage these failures build into walls of separation. If you would like to remove past failures, you must first identify them.
Get pen and paper and then ask God to bring to your mind the ways you have hurt your spouse in the past. Now, go to your children individually and ask them to tell you times when they have seen you being unkind to your spouse. Get ready, because children can be brutally honest. Then ask the same question to close friends who have had opportunity to observe your behavior. This process can be painful, but it is the first step in dealing with past failures.
Verbal abuse is WARFARE
It employs the use of words as bombs and grenades designed to punish the other person, to place blame, or to justify one’s own actions or decisions. Abusive language is filled with poisonous put-downs which seek to make the other person feel badly, appear wrong, or look inadequate.
Most people who practice verbal abuse are suffering from low self-esteem. Anything which threatens their worth will stimulate a flow of angry words. The slightest criticism can ignite the flame. Understanding this, may change your attitude toward your verbally abusing spouse. Seeing them as a needy person, rather than an abusive person, may help you take a more constructive approach.
Love Does Not Accept
If your spouse sins against you, it’s time to get angry! Even God gets angry when people sin. He reaches out in love to convict, discipline and correct. Should we do less? God’s purpose for anger is that it motivates us to lovingly confront. We dare not sit idly by and make no effort to help our spouse turn from sin.
When I say ‘lovingly confront’, I’m not talking about yelling and screaming at your spouse. I’m suggesting you say something like this: “I’m deeply hurt by your behavior. I’m concerned about you and about us. Please, can we talk about this?” If they are unwilling to talk, you pray and try again. Love does not accept sinful behavior.
Neglect
When a marriage begins to fall apart, it usually begins with neglect. We stop giving our attention to each other. We live our own independent lives and we drift apart. I call this the Fall season of marriage. How do we move from Fall back to Spring? We begin to do the kind of things we did when we first met each other. Meals together, asking questions and listening, as well as sharing positive comments and doing things together; these are the things that lead to a Spring marriage.
Maybe it’s time for you to plan a “date night” and do something fun together. Get your mind off your problems and focus on what you have in common. If you’ve been arguing, call a truce and share a pizza. Don’t continue drifting apart. It’s worth the effort.
Looks Like Spring
Does your marriage seem cold and distant? Would you like for it to be warm and caring? I came up with seven strategies for developing a marriage that looks like Spring. One of those strategies is: Discovering the Awesome Power of Empathetic Listening. Few things are more powerful than learning to listen to your spouse.
Most of us are not good listeners. We often respond to our spouses’ ideas before we fully understand them. We end up in an argument that leaves both of us frustrated. Learning to ask: “Are you saying….?” And letting your spouse clarify leads to understanding. Once we understand, we can make an informed response. Winter turns to Spring.
Learn to Talk Softly
The most significant influence on the life of a teenager comes from parents. It may surprise you, but it’s true. Oh, teens are influenced by their peers but they are far more influenced by their parents. That is why we must be certain that we are having a positive influence. One teen said, “My father yells and screams at me; telling me to stop yelling and screaming at him.” Do you understand what the teen is saying? The father’s model is far more important than the father’s words.
If you want teens to stop yelling and screaming, then stop yelling and screaming at them. The Scriptures say, “A soft answer turns away wrath.” Learn to talk softly with your teen and your teen will learn to speak softly to you.
Panic Mode
I think it is safe to say that in no generation has the task of parenting teenagers been more perplexing than at the present time. Teenage violence is no longer limited to the fictional world of movies. Many of the parents I meet are in the panic mode. Especially if their own teen is sexually active or using drugs. So what’s a parent to do?
It may surprise you, but I think you should start by apologizing to your teenager for your own failures. None of us are perfect. We have all failed to be kind, loving and encouraging to our teens from time to time. When you apologize, you open the door to the possibility of building a better relationship with your teen. It’s the place to start.
What I Hear You Saying…
Do you listen when your spouse is talking? There is an ancient Hebrew proverb that says, “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.” So many times we are re-loading our guns while our spouse is talking. We can’t wait until they finish so we can make our points. Are you trying to win an argument or build a marriage? You will never have a healthy marriage until you learn to listen.
Listening means that you ask questions to make sure you heard correctly. “What I hear you saying is that you wish we could get a weekend away this month. Am I hearing you correctly?” “Well, it doesn’t have to be this month, but yes, I’d really like for us to get away.” Now you are learning to listen. It’s essential to healthy communication.
Making Time
All of us know couples who seem to have a genuine sense of “oneness”. Unfortunately, most of us know couples who seem unable to “get it together.” The major difference between those two types of couples is that one has developed positive patterns of communication while the other has not. One makes time for conversation, while the other, simply ‘lets things happen’.
Verbal conversation is the primary process by which we share life. You will never know what I’m thinking unless I tell you and you choose to listen. What’s so hard about that? The hardest part is making time to talk and listen. Why not schedule a daily conversation time, just as you schedule time for lunch? Typically, we do what we plan to do.
