Q&A: How do I speak my child’s love language of gifts?
Question: My daughter’s primary Love Language is gifts and I’m concerned that in this materialistic world, she confuses what love really is. How can I teach her?
Answer: I think it’s a genuine and legitimate concern. What I would suggest is this: If a child’s love language is gifts, the gifts don’t have to be expensive and they certainly don’t have to be everything a child is asking for. That would be a serious mistake. You can give them little things: a stone you pick up in a parking lot, a flower from the garden, just one bite of candy. Little things will mean a lot to this child. In terms of gifts, you give them something you think will be helpful for them. Don’t give them everything they ask or that will teach them materialism. But give them those things that will be beneficial for them.
Celebrate Peyton Giveaway Contest
To be their best, children need to feel loved. But if you and your child speak different love languages, your affection might get lost in translation, affecting the child’s attitude, behavior, and development. In my book for parents, The 5 Love Languages of Children (updated and revised, 2012), Dr. Ross Campbell and I help you to discover and speak your child’s love language and give you practical suggestions for learning how your children interpret love—creating a sense of security in which they can thrive.
This month marks the release of my debut children’s book, A Perfect Pet for Peyton. It’s an entertaining and playful story of five children who each, with the help of “Mr. Chapman” and the unique pets at his special emporium, discover their own personal love language. The story is designed to help kids and their parents learn together about how we give and receive love differently. I really think you’ll enjoy the fun illustrations too! Children and parents alike will experience firsthand the power of the love languages as they cuddle up and spend precious time together reading this book over and over again.
To celebrate the release of A Perfect Pet for Peyton, we are giving away 10 sets of books!
*UPDATE: This contest is now closed and the winners have been chosen. Please keep an eye out for future contests and giveaways!
Enter to win both books by leaving a comment at the end of this post. For extra entries, like my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter and include that you did in a separate comment. Entries must be received by Monday, April 30, 2012 at midnight CST. Winners will be selected randomly and notified by email. To qualify, winners must reside within the U.S. or Canada.
» Note to iPhone Users
As an added bonus, a fun and interactive free app called “Peyton and Friends” is now available for iPhone which will enhance the in-book experience with A Perfect Pet for Peyton. Watch the characters in your book come alive with cutting edge AR (augmented reality) technology—something you have to see to believe. Help Peyton find perfect pets for his friends right in the room you are in using the camera function on your phone, test your pizza making skills against flying pepperoni, hear the talking parrot repeat everything you say, or help Mr. Chapman keep his pocket mouse from escaping with these four games your kids will love.
Q&A: What can I do if he won’t apologize?
Question: Our son and daughter-in-law will not allow us to see the grandchildren. It stemmed from something my husband did last summer. He is not willing to apologize. What can I do?
Answer: That question makes me sad. I cannot imagine having no contact with my grandchildren. I am empathetic with this wife. I don’t know what happened, but if an apology would lift the barrier and he is unwilling to apologize, he needs help. I know he is not likely to go for help. So, I suggest you go for help. Tell him something like this: I love you too much to do nothing. I know that you do not want to deprive the grandchildren of their grand-father.
So, If you are not willing to apologize, then I’m going to see a counselor (or a pastor) and try to find help. I want you to go with me, but if not, then I’m going alone.” Then do it. This kind of tough love, may be what is needed to awaken him to reality. Life is too short to live with broken relationships. You might also give him my book, The Five languages of Apology, which gives real life illustrations of how an apology can restore relationships.
Listen to Your Child’s Requests
What do your children request from you most often?
Listen to their requests and you will discover their love language. If your child says, “Does my dress look nice?” Or, “Did I do a good job on my homework?” Their love language is ‘words of affirmation.’ If on the other hand, a child says, “Mommy can I help you set the table?” Or, “Can I help you make the bed?” Then, ‘acts of service’ is likely the child’s love language.
Listen to the requests of your child and you will discover what makes them feel loved. Discovering and speaking your child’s love language is the most effective way of keeping the child’s love tank full. A full love tank makes a child more responsive to instruction and correction.
For more, see my newly updated book: The 5 Love Languages of Children
Your Child’s Love Language
How do you learn a child’s love language?
Observe how they express love to others. If they are always wanting to help you do things, then ‘acts of service’ is probably their love language. If they say, “you’re such a good mommy,” then words of affirmation is likely their language. They are loving you in the language they wish to receive.
Another clue is what do your children complain about? If Johnny says, “We don’t ever take walks in the park since the baby came.” He’s telling you that ‘quality time’ is his love language. If your daughter says, “you didn’t bring me anything?” she’s revealing that her love language is receiving gifts. Learn to speak your child love language and watch their countenance change.
For more, please see my newly updated book: The 5 Love Languages of Children.
An Emotionally Healthy Child
One of the most important goals in parenting is to make sure that our children grow up feeling loved.
If your children are secure in your love they will be far more responsive to your teaching and training. Fundamentally, there are five ways to express love to children. I call them the five love languages. They are: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
Each child has a primary love language. One of these speaks more deeply than the other four. Ideally, as parents we want to give the child heavy doses of their primary love language and then sprinkle in the other four. We want them to learn how to give and receive love in all five languages. This produces an emotionally healthy child.
Q&A: How do I handle my child’s unruly behavior?
Question: I love my 8 year old son, but his behavior sometimes drives me to insanity. Any suggestions?
Answer: Well, as a parent, I can identify with the frustration. I do have one suggestion: make sure your son feels loved. I know that you love him. That is not the question. The question is does your son feel loved? Sincerity is not enough. The deepest emotional need a child has is to feel loved by the parents. When that need is unmet, children often experience anger which shows up in their behavior.
Dr. Ross Campbell and I wrote a book that has just been updated and released called The Five Love Languages of Children. It shares information on how to identify a child’s primary love language and how speaking this language interfaces with the child’s anger, learning , and with discipline. Many parents have shared that when they started speaking their child’s love language they saw a dramatic change in the child’s behavior.
Your Child’s Love Tank
If you treat all children the same way in an effort to be fair, you are really not being fair at all.
What I discovered years ago is that what makes one child feel loved, does not necessarily make another child feel loved. I like to picture each child as having an emotional ‘love tank’. If the tank is full, that is the child feels loved by the parents, then the child grows up normally. If the tank is empty, the child will grow up with many internal struggles. And in the teenage years they will go looking for love, typically in all the wrong places. Learning what fills your child’s love tank is one of the secrets to successful parenting.
For more, see my new book: The 5 Love Languages of Children
Q&A: Are married couples obligated to have children?
Question: Does the Bible teach that married couples are obligated to have children?
Answer: God did say to Adam and Eve, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.” In the Bible, children are viewed as a gift from God. However, I don’t think this means that every Christian couple is obligated to have children. I do think it is the norm for most couples.
If a couple decides not to have children, their reason for such a choice should be clearly understood. And it should not be rooted in selfishness. Some good reasons for not having children might include: physical or mental disabilities, poor relational skills, or ministry for Christ. Selfish reasons might be: the desire to travel, not willing to accept responsibility, wanting to be free to follow personal interests. Make sure your choice is based on a genuine desire to follow God’s plan for your life.
Feeling Unloved
When I wrote my book, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, I was surprised to learn how many teens feel unloved by their parents. It’s not that the parents don’t love them. The problem is that the teen does not feel loved. When teenagers feel unloved, they are far more likely to become sexually active, start using drugs and get involved in trouble with the law.
The answer? Learn to speak the love language of your teenager. What are the five love languages? Words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch. Out of these five, your teen has a primary love language. If you speak it your teen will feel loved, if you don’t the love tank will be empty. Much of the teens miss-behavior comes from an empty love tank.
