Verbal abuse is WARFARE
It employs the use of words as bombs and grenades designed to punish the other person, to place blame, or to justify one’s own actions or decisions. Abusive language is filled with poisonous put-downs which seek to make the other person feel badly, appear wrong, or look inadequate.
Most people who practice verbal abuse are suffering from low self-esteem. Anything which threatens their worth will stimulate a flow of angry words. The slightest criticism can ignite the flame. Understanding this, may change your attitude toward your verbally abusing spouse. Seeing them as a needy person, rather than an abusive person, may help you take a more constructive approach.
Get the Card
Would you like to teach your family how to handle anger in a positive way? In my book: Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way, I suggest that couples write the following words on an index card and put it on the refrigerator. When they feel angry toward a family member, they get the card and read it to the person at whom they are angry. Here’s what the card says:
“I’m feeling angry right now, but don’t worry. I’m not going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is this a good time to talk?” It brings a little humor into the tenseness and it reminds me what I am not going to do – lose my temper. It also asks for help in dealing with my anger. Try it! It may become a family tradition.
Constructive Action
Is uncontrolled anger a problem in your marriage? Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” Do you control yourself when you are angry? If not, it’s time to take action. Admit to God that in your anger you have sinned. If you lost your temper with your spouse, then apologize and ask them to forgive you.
The next time you are angry, take a ‘time out’ and pray. Ask God to show you the best way to respond to your anger. Ask yourself, “Why am I angry? What wrong was committed? What positive action might I take? What would be the loving thing to do?” Take constructive action and anger has served its purpose.
Love Does Not Accept
If your spouse sins against you, it’s time to get angry! Even God gets angry when people sin. He reaches out in love to convict, discipline and correct. Should we do less? God’s purpose for anger is that it motivates us to lovingly confront. We dare not sit idly by and make no effort to help our spouse turn from sin.
When I say ‘lovingly confront’, I’m not talking about yelling and screaming at your spouse. I’m suggesting you say something like this: “I’m deeply hurt by your behavior. I’m concerned about you and about us. Please, can we talk about this?” If they are unwilling to talk, you pray and try again. Love does not accept sinful behavior.
Distorted Anger
Many marriages have been destroyed by uncontrolled anger. The feeling of anger is not sinful. Even God feels anger. Great social reforms have been motivated by anger. But uncontrolled anger has destroyed the lives of thousands. If you feel angry, admit it and ask God to help you take positive action.
One constructive step is to ask: “Am I angry because someone sinned against me? Or, because I did not get what I wanted?” If someone sinned, you should be angry. That is godly anger. However, much of our anger is distorted – things simply did not go our way. If this is the case, we need to confess our selfish response, accept God’s forgiveness and release our anger to Him.
Restraining Response
Uncontrolled anger can destroy your marriage! All of us get angry when we believe that we have been wronged. Feeling angry is not sinful, but how you respond may be. In Ephesians 4:26 we read: “Being angry, sin not, don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” We are responsible for controlling our behavior. The husband or wife who lashes out with harsh words is sinning.
The first step in learning to control your anger is to restrain your immediate response. Count to 100 before you do anything. Take a walk around the block. Go water your flowers. Do something to stop the flow of hurtful words or abusive behavior. Take a ‘time out’ and you’re less likely to sin.
Don’t Give Up
Do you feel like giving up on your marriage? I’ve been counseling people with marital struggles for over thirty years. And, often they have no hope. They are living in very difficult marriages. I am under no illusion that I can give a magic formula to bring healing to all such marriages, but I do believe that in every troubled marriage, steps can be taken by one partner, that have the potential for changing the emotional climate between the two of them.
The first step is to make the decision not to give up. Read a book, talk with a counselor or pastor, share with a trusted friend, but don’t give up. I wrote Desperate Marriages for people like you. You can be a positive ‘change agent’ in a difficult marriage.
Remove The Barriers
Have you ever accused your spouse of something they didn’t do? I once accused my wife of miss-placing my briefcase, when in fact, I left it at my office. What do you do about false accusations? Ignore them and hope your spouse will forget? Not if you want a loving marriage. Every time you ignore a harsh word, it sits as an emotional barrier between the two of you.
Love removes the barriers. So, I called my wife and said, “I found my briefcase.” She didn’t say anything. She knew there ought to be more to it than that. So, I said, “I’m sorry for the way I talked to you. It was wrong. Will you forgive me.” She said, “I thought you’d call.” We’re committed to removing the barriers.
One Block at a Time
Many couples are at a stalemate because they have allowed a wall to develop between them. Walls are erected one block at a time. It may be as small as failing to take out the garbage or as large as failing to meet sexual needs. Instead of dealing with the failure, we ignore it. The wall becomes high and thick. We were once “in love” but now only resentment remains.
There is only one way to remove a wall. We must tear down the blocks on our side. Someone must take the initiative. Will your spouse forgive you? I don’t know, but it’s worth a try. Confess your past failures and ask God to help you make the future different. The wall is not as thick when you remove the blocks on your side.”
Person of Value
Is verbal abuse a problem in your family? Here’s a reality that may help. Behind every verbally abusive tongue is a person of value. If you believe this, then you can say to the abuser, “I’ve been thinking about us. I’ve been remembering how kind you were to me when we were dating. I remember the kind words, the smiling face, the fun we had in those days. I guess that’s why I believe in you so strongly. I know the good qualities you have inside. Sometimes, I lose that vision when you scream at me, but I know the kind of man you are and I believe in that man. I know that with God’s help and your desire that man can live again.”
Such a statement does not solve the problem, but it does plant a seed.
