He Came to Serve
In the early years of my marriage I didn’t know much about serving. I knew what I expected of my wife and was disappointed when she did not live up to my expectations. I’m sure she must have been just as frustrated with me because I know that I did not meet her expectations. Sadly, we had approached our marriage with a non-biblical attitude.
When I finally learned that love and service is the hallmark of a Christian husband, it did not take my wife long to change her attitude toward me. Once we learned to serve each other, the emotional climate of our marriage changed dramatically. Having the attitude of Christ is the key to a successful marriage. He came to serve.
Learning to Serve
The most essential ingredient in a healthy family is learning to serve each other. Jesus said about Himself, “I did not come to be served, but to serve.” In a healthy family, that will be the attitude of the husband, the wife and the children. Young children want to serve. What mother has not heard these words, “Mommy, can I help you?” If the child is allowed to help and affirmed for helping he/she will develop an attitude of service.
This attitude is fostered by the model of the parents. If the child hears the father ask his wife, “How may I help you?” and hears the mother reciprocate, the child will learn that “serving others is important in our family.” Teach your children to serve and they are on the road to greatness.
Fundamental Sign
We hear a lot about dysfunctional families but what about functional families? What does a healthy family look like? The most fundamental sign of a healthy family is an attitude of service. The husband serves the wife and she serves him. Together they serve the children and children learn to serve parents. Does that sound like your family?
You don’t have to possess warm feelings for your husband in order to serve him but you do need an intimate relationship with God. God does not want you to serve out of duty but out of a heart that has been touched by His love. Through you, God’s love flows to bless your family. It all begins with a prayer, “Father, give me the attitude of Christ toward my family.”
Becoming Love
I’ve never met a couple who married with the intention of making each other miserable. Most people want to have a loving, supportive, understanding spouse. I’m convinced that the fastest way to have such a spouse is to become a loving, supportive, understanding spouse. What are you doing to have the marriage you’ve always wanted?
If you recognize the need for marital growth, my book The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted will give you ideas on how to become the spouse you’ve always wanted. If both of you are willing to share the book, you can grow even faster. But someone must take the first step.
No Response
In your marriage, are you a preacher or are you sitting in the congregation? As a pastor I’ve always been amazed how people can listen to me preach and have no response. But this happens in many marriages. One is a talker, sharing their thoughts, feelings, desires and frustrations, while the other has no response.
Now don’t get me wrong. Listening is good but the purpose of listening is to understand what is going on inside the other person so you can have a meaningful response. If that response is guided by love it will be honest and caring.
Little Did I Know
I remember many years ago when I answered the question: “Wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife? To love her in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth, for better or for worse, so long as you both shall live?” I responded, “I will.” Little did I know, as a young man, what I was promising.
In the early years of our marriage there was sickness and poverty, and yes, it got worse. It took me a while to discover that marriage is about giving, not getting. I asked God to give me the attitude of Christ toward my wife. He answered that prayer and taught me how to serve her. It wasn’t long until she reciprocated and ‘yes’ things got ‘better’, much better.
Not the Trademark of the World
In a culture which worships at the altar of sex, the Christian must take care not to over-react and view sex as something sinful. The truth is that Hollywood did not invent sex. A holy God, totally separate from sin, made us sexual beings. We must not relinquish the sanctity of sex because some have exploited it.
Sex is not the trademark of the world; it bears the personal label, “made by God.” However, we must be quick to say that God gave us the ‘owners manual’. In God’s plan sex is reserved for marriage. Within marriage, sex bonds us together, body, soul and spirit.
Every Couple Knows
Every couple I know would like to have a good marriage. Years ago, I wrote a book entitled, The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted. It is my attempt to give couples practical advice on how to have a healthy marriage.
In the book, I deal with such topics as making decisions without loosing your unity, how to get your spouse to change without manipulating, how to divide household responsibilities so that each of us can use our abilities for the benefit of the other. Love, money and sex – they are all included. In short, it is a book on how to have the marriage you’ve always wanted.
Seeds We Plant
Over the past thirty years, I have counseled many couples who were contemplating divorce. The one scripture that always comes to my mind is Gal. 6:7. “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.” God gives us real freedom, but we are never free from the seeds we plant. The pain and brokenness of divorce follows us and our children for a lifetime.
When the Bible says that “God hates divorce,” it’s because He knows the pain that divorce causes. I know that you cannot make your spouse reconcile. But you can reach out for help. Call a pastor, a counselor, a friend; read a book. Discover your options and don’t forget that God is the God of miracles.
Renewed Determination
Marital separation sometimes brings a temporary sense of ‘peace’. One husband said, “This is the first week of peace I’ve had for years.” Of course he felt peace; he had left the battlefield. However, retreat is not the road to victory. You must come from that retreat with a renewed determination to defeat the enemy of your marriage.
If you are separated, use this time to examine the biblical principles for building a marriage. Discover where you went wrong and how to correct it. Reach out for God’s help. I wrote the book Hope for the Separated to help you do this. Separation is not necessarily the end. It may be the beginning of rediscovering the dream you shared when you were first married.
