Learn to Talk Softly
The most significant influence on the life of a teenager comes from parents. It may surprise you, but it’s true. Oh, teens are influenced by their peers but they are far more influenced by their parents. That is why we must be certain that we are having a positive influence. One teen said, “My father yells and screams at me; telling me to stop yelling and screaming at him.” Do you understand what the teen is saying? The father’s model is far more important than the father’s words.
If you want teens to stop yelling and screaming, then stop yelling and screaming at them. The Scriptures say, “A soft answer turns away wrath.” Learn to talk softly with your teen and your teen will learn to speak softly to you.
Panic Mode
I think it is safe to say that in no generation has the task of parenting teenagers been more perplexing than at the present time. Teenage violence is no longer limited to the fictional world of movies. Many of the parents I meet are in the panic mode. Especially if their own teen is sexually active or using drugs. So what’s a parent to do?
It may surprise you, but I think you should start by apologizing to your teenager for your own failures. None of us are perfect. We have all failed to be kind, loving and encouraging to our teens from time to time. When you apologize, you open the door to the possibility of building a better relationship with your teen. It’s the place to start.
Daily Quiet Time
I know of no spiritual discipline more important than a daily quiet time with God – reading the scriptures with an open heart to hear the voice of God and responding with my questions, my praise, my thanks and my requests.
As a marriage counselor, I know of no marital discipline more important than a daily sharing time with your spouse – sharing the highs and lows of your day; your victories and your struggles; thanking each other and making requests.
A time to listen and talk with God; and a time to listen and talk with your spouse – what could be more important? God is always ready, and your spouse may be, if you ask.
What I Hear You Saying…
Do you listen when your spouse is talking? There is an ancient Hebrew proverb that says, “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.” So many times we are re-loading our guns while our spouse is talking. We can’t wait until they finish so we can make our points. Are you trying to win an argument or build a marriage? You will never have a healthy marriage until you learn to listen.
Listening means that you ask questions to make sure you heard correctly. “What I hear you saying is that you wish we could get a weekend away this month. Am I hearing you correctly?” “Well, it doesn’t have to be this month, but yes, I’d really like for us to get away.” Now you are learning to listen. It’s essential to healthy communication.
Making Time
All of us know couples who seem to have a genuine sense of “oneness”. Unfortunately, most of us know couples who seem unable to “get it together.” The major difference between those two types of couples is that one has developed positive patterns of communication while the other has not. One makes time for conversation, while the other, simply ‘lets things happen’.
Verbal conversation is the primary process by which we share life. You will never know what I’m thinking unless I tell you and you choose to listen. What’s so hard about that? The hardest part is making time to talk and listen. Why not schedule a daily conversation time, just as you schedule time for lunch? Typically, we do what we plan to do.
Two Become One
The scriptures indicate that in marriage the ‘two become one’. This does not mean that we loose our individuality, but it does mean that we share our lives with each other. The typical husband and wife spend many hours each day geographically separated from each other. Simply coming into the same house at the end of the day does not bring them together.
“Becoming one” is the result of many shared thoughts, feelings, activities, dreams, frustrations, joys and sorrows. In short, it is the result of sharing life. Establishing a ‘daily sharing time’ is the best way I know to make this happen. It is as vital to the marriage as food is to the body.
Time to Share
Do you have a daily quiet time with God? How about a daily quite time with your spouse? Most of us believe that a daily quiet time with God keeps our relationship with God vital and genuine. I believe the same is true in the marital relationship. Couples who have an intimate marriage are those who stay connected. A daily sharing time with your spouse is an easy way to make that connection.
So, what do you talk about in this ‘daily sharing time?” Here’s my suggestion: tell each other three things that happened in your life today and how you feel about them. If three seems overwhelming, then start with two or one, but set a time to share. Life is lived one day at a time and must be shared the same way.
True Greatness
Adults and youth alike are attracted to the young man who goes out of his way to serve others. True greatness is found in serving. No parents challenge their children to be like Hitler, while thousands challenge their children to be like Jesus. The hallmark of Jesus was service to others. Peter said of Him, “He went about doing good.” Would you like for that to be said of your children?
It all begins at home. If your children hear you ask, “What can I do to help you today?” They will learn to ask the same question. As they see you experience the satisfaction of serving, they will follow your model. Service will become a way of life and your children will bless the world.
It’s Contagious
Did you wake up this morning and ask yourself: “How can I serve my spouse today?” If you did, you probably live in a healthy family. Nothing stimulates a positive family atmosphere like an attitude of service. And, if you have it, it’s contagious. Your children will pick up on it and your spouse will begin to reciprocate. Everyone takes delight in serving.
Jesus said, “Whoever will be great among you, let him be your servant.” Jesus set the example. We are His followers. Tonight, let your family report on ways in which they served others today. It will focus your family on what is important. Your family can impact the world for good and it all begins with an attitude of service.
