Blog for Books!

Congratulations to Christy, our February Blog for Books contest winner! Christy won a copy of Dr. Chapman’s new book, The Family You’ve Always Wanted. To find out more about our winner, take a look at her blog: http://christylaster.blogspot.com/.

Acts of Service

This week we’re looking at “acts of service” – doing something for your spouse that you know they would like for you to do. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, changing the baby’s diaper, and painting the bedroom, etc.

If this is your spouse’s primary love language, nothing speaks as loudly as these acts of service. You may give him or her words of affirmation, but they are thinking, “Cut the talk. If you loved me, you would do something around here.” For them, actions truly speak louder than words.

Jesus gave a simple but profound illustration of expressing love by an act of service when He washed the feet of His disciples. In a culture where people wore sandals and walked on dirt streets, it was customary for the servant of the house to wash the feet of guests as they arrived. When we translate this into a marriage, it means that we will do acts of service to express love to our spouse. Why not choose one to express love to your spouse today?

You may be tempted to stop helping around the house because you get criticized. Your spouse’s critical remarks may be your best clue as to his or her primary love language. The next time your spouse criticizes you, look behind the criticism and see if you can discover their love language. They are trying to tell you what is important to them emotionally. Don’t fight the criticism. Seek to learn from it. Love effectively by learning your spouse’s primary love language and speaking it daily.

When I talk about acts of service as an expression of love, I am not talking about being a slave. When we treat our spouses as slaves, we remove the possibility of love because we remove their freedom. “If you were a good spouse, you would do this for me” is not the language of love. “You will do this, or you’ll be sorry” is manipulation, not love. If acts of service are to be acts of love, they must be freely given. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.

Learning to speak this love language may require some of us to reexamine our stereotypes of the roles of husbands and wives. Is this difficult? Perhaps. That’s why I use the word love language. Learning a new language may be difficult and take time, but it can be done. A willingness to examine and change stereotypes may be necessary in order to express love more effectively.

Is your love language Acts of Service? What are some creative ways that your spouse has filled your love tank?

Why Apologize?

In a perfect world, there would be no need to apologize. But in an imperfect world, we cannot survive without them. We are moral creatures. We have a strong sense of right and wrong. When we are wronged, we experience hurt and anger. Something within us cries out for reconciliation when wrongdoing has fractured a relationship. The desire for reconciliation is often more potent than the desire for justice.

Opening the Door

In marriage, domestic turmoil is often rooted in an unwillingness to apologize. For lack of an apology, couples declare war, which can last for years and often ends in divorce. I’ve wondered if sincere apologies would have changed that sad outcome. You cannot apologize for your spouse’s wrongs, but you can apologize for your own. When you do, you open the door to the possibility of forgiveness and you are on the road to reconciliation. There are no healthy marriages without apologies.

Can You Forgive Without an Apology?

If your definition of forgiveness is to release the person to God and release your hurt and anger to God, then you can forgive without an apology. But if by forgiveness you mean reconciliation, then an apology is a necessary ingredient. The Christian is instructed to forgive others in the same manner that God forgives us. How does God forgive us? The Scriptures say that “if we confess our sins,” God will forgive our sins.

You see, we often want our spouse to “just forget about what happened.” We don’t want to talk about it. We don’t want to apologize. We just want it to “go away.” But things don’t just “go away.” God has provided a pattern for human forgiveness, and that pattern requires apologizing for our wrongs.

Learn and Speak a New Language

The art of apologizing can be learned! Recently, I released a book with Dr. Jennifer Thomas titled The Five Languages of Apology. I think you will find it a life changing book. What we have discovered in our research is that there are five basic aspects of an apology. I call them the five languages of apology.

The key to good relationships is learning the apology language of your spouse and being willing to speak it. Perhaps you’ve been saying “I’m sorry,” when your spouse needs to hear “I was wrong.” When you speak the primary apology language of your spouse, you make it easier for him or her to genuinely forgive you. When you fail to speak their language, it makes forgiveness difficult because they are not sure you are genuinely apologizing.

Remember the Five Languages of Apology?

# 1 – Expressing Regret

# 2 – Accepting Responsibility

# 3 – Making Restitution

# 4 – Genuinely Repenting

# 5 – Requesting Forgiveness

What’s yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

A Valentines Precursor!

Learning to Apologize Effectively

Have you ever noticed that what one person considers to be an apology, is not what another person considers to be an apology? What is an apology?

It’s different things to different people. After three years of research, Dr. Jennifer Thomas and I have concluded that there are five basic elements to an apology. We call them the five languages of apology. Each person has a primary apology language, and one of the five speaks more deeply to them emotionally than the other four. If you don’t speak their language, they may consider your apology insincere.

A Question of Sincerity

Ever had someone apologize to you and you questioned their sincerity? Ever ask yourself why? It’s probably because they did not speak your apology language. They said, “I’m sorry.” But what you wanted to hear was, “I was wrong.” They said, “Will you forgive me?” But what you wanted to hear was, “What can I do to make this right?”

Many of our apologies come across as insincere because we are not speaking the apology language of the offended person. If couples can learn each other’s primary apology language and speak it when they offend each other, forgiveness will be much easier.

The Five Languages of Apology

Do you know the five languages of apology?

# 1 – Expressing Regret – “I’m sorry.” “I feel badly about what I did.”

# 2 – Accepting Responsibility – “I was wrong.” “It was my fault.”

# 3 – Making Restitution – “What can I do to make it right?”

# 4 – Genuinely Repenting – “I’ll try not to do that again.”

# 5 – Requesting Forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?”

Speaking the Right One

When you apologize, you are trying to make things right. So you say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. I know I hurt you and I feel badly about it. Will you forgive me?” But your spouse says, “How could you do that if you loved me? How can I forgive you when you never do anything to ‘make it right’?” You feel frustrated and don’t know what to do next. The problem is not your sincerity; the problem is that you are not speaking the right apology language.

Which Do You Want to Hear?

Which one of the five languages of apology do you want to hear? That is your primary apology language.

Apologize effectively by learning your spouse’s apology language and speaking it when you know you have offended each other. Ask your spouse, “When I apologize, what do you want to hear from me?” You may be surprised at their answer, but it will give you their primary apology language. Learning to speak each other’s apology language will lead you to a growing marriage.

The Power of Affirming Words

The Power of the Tongue

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Good for Mark Twain, but I don’t know many husbands and wives who can survive on six compliments a year. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature, wrote, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Verbal compliments are powerful communicators of love.

Encouraging Words

One way to verbally affirm your spouse is to give encouraging words. Allison always wanted to be a writer, but after receiving her first rejection slip from the publisher, she gave up. One evening her husband Keith came into the den and said, “I hate to interrupt your reading, but I have to tell you this. I just finished reading your article. Allison, you are an excellent writer. This stuff ought to be published! Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You have got to submit this stuff to some magazines.” “Do you really think so?” Allison asked. “I know so,” Keith said. “I’m telling you, this is good.”

Ten years later, Allison has had several articles published and has her first book contract. She credits her success to Keith’s words of encouragement. Perhaps your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting your encouraging words.

Focus on Your Spouse

There is a difference between encouraging words and nagging words. Encouraging words always focus on something your spouse wants to do, not something you want them to do. A nag is anything you tell your spouse more than three times.

“It’s Not What You Said. It’s How You Said It!”

If we are to express love by words of affirmation, those words must be kind words. Kindness has to do with the manner in which we speak. Sometimes our words are saying one thing, but our tone of voice is saying another. Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use. The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will not be an expression of love, but an expression of condemnation and judgment. An ancient sage once said, “a soft answer turns away anger.”

January “Dear Gary” Episode

Speaking the Love Language of Quality Time

Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television. I mean sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, and giving each other your undivided attention. For some people, quality time is their primary love language, and if you don’t give them quality time, they will not feel loved. Is it possible that your spouse’s primary love language is quality time?

Listen for Clues

Quality time is a powerful emotional communicator of love. One medicine does not cure all diseases. Just as one love language does not communicate emotionally to all people. If you give your spouse affirming words; If you express love by acts of service; If you touch them affectionately; and they still complain, “You don’t ever have time for me. We used to do things together. Now you are always too busy or too tired,” they are telling you that their primary love language is quality time.

The Essence of Quality Time

A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity. Togetherness has to do with focused attention. A husband who is watching sports on television while he talks to his wife is not giving her quality time, because she does not have his full attention. A husband and wife playing tennis together, if it is genuine quality time, will focus not on the game, but on the fact that they are spending time together.

Dialects of Quality Time

Like words of affirmation, the language of quality time also has many dialects. One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation. By quality conversation, I mean sympathetic dialogue where two people are sharing their experiences, their thoughts, their feelings, and their desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. If your spouse’s primary love languages is quality time, such dialogue is crucial to his or her emotional sense of being loved. Sit down. Ask questions, and listen.

Tips for Keeping the Love Tank Full

I want to conclude by giving you four tips on how to have a quality conversation with your spouse:

1. Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.

2. Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time.

3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”

4. Refuse to interrupt. Such interruptions indicate, “I don’t care what you are saying; listen to me.”

Such active listening will fill the love tank of the person whose primary love language is quality time.

Excerpt taken from The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman‘s resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Do you value spending time with your spouse over holding hands, receiving expensive gifts, or hearing encouraging words? What has your spouse done to make you feel important and like your time together matters? Share your story with us.

God's People in Hard Times

On this past week’s Building Relationships…

Every week Dr. Gary Chapman hosts his program with co-hosts Chris and Andrea Fabry.

Andrea Fabry shared the difficulty that she and Chris have had dealing with their Children’s sickness. Having been exposed to mold in their Colorado home for a prolonged time, the children have needed to see a specialist to receive treatments. So the children get well as soon as possible, Andrea has temporarily moved with five of the kids to Arizona.

The Fabry’s found this message from Gary particularly encouraging for this time, in their lives. [download show]

Follow along with the outline below.

Dr. Chapman centers his message in 1 Corinthians 4:8-16. He makes the following observations:

1. When we go through hard times, we are on display in God’s arena.

2. Not all of us suffer at the same time.

3. Hard times are not just inconveniences. Hard times are desperate times.

i. When you are sick, hungry, thirsty, or homeless

ii. When your marriage is on the brink of divorce

iii. When you’re emotionally harmed in relationships

4. How should we respond to hard times?

i. Work

ii. Return good for evil

iii. Follow the example of Jesus

Application Prayer Points:

1. Confess and ask for forgiveness about our complaints because they’re wrong.

2. Ask for a fresh vision that reminds us that we are on God’s stage.

3. Show me what I can do to work out of these hard times, and be obedient.

4. Fill me with the Spirit of Christ so that I can return good for evil.

5. Let my life reflect the attitude of Christ to be an example.

Hard times come, and at times it seems like they will never leave. Whether it be sickness, marital distress, or loss of a job, difficulty in life is inevitable. Praise God that we have the body of Christ around us to encourage each other, and help each other through these hard times. But, even more so we have the help of God Himself. We can find comfort in Him, whose stage we are on, and be encouraged that that we are one of the characters in His cosmic drama.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the same comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Have you found comfort in God? Your story may comfort others:

Can you relate to the hard times that Gary was talking about? In what ways has God shown Himself faithful to help you get through these times?

Gary Chapman Radio