Distorted Anger
Many marriages have been destroyed by uncontrolled anger. The feeling of anger is not sinful. Even God feels anger. Great social reforms have been motivated by anger. But uncontrolled anger has destroyed the lives of thousands. If you feel angry, admit it and ask God to help you take positive action.
One constructive step is to ask: “Am I angry because someone sinned against me? Or, because I did not get what I wanted?” If someone sinned, you should be angry. That is godly anger. However, much of our anger is distorted – things simply did not go our way. If this is the case, we need to confess our selfish response, accept God’s forgiveness and release our anger to Him.
Restraining Response
Uncontrolled anger can destroy your marriage! All of us get angry when we believe that we have been wronged. Feeling angry is not sinful, but how you respond may be. In Ephesians 4:26 we read: “Being angry, sin not, don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” We are responsible for controlling our behavior. The husband or wife who lashes out with harsh words is sinning.
The first step in learning to control your anger is to restrain your immediate response. Count to 100 before you do anything. Take a walk around the block. Go water your flowers. Do something to stop the flow of hurtful words or abusive behavior. Take a ‘time out’ and you’re less likely to sin.
Helping Succeed
Winter marriages can turn to Spring. Most of us are self-centered. We focus on our goals. Often we reach those goals and lose our marriage. How many men have climbed the ladder of vocational success to find themselves alone at the top? I can’t believe that is what any of us want. But if we don’t develop our marriages as we climb the ladder, both of us are losers.
There is a better way! Focus on helping your spouse succeed. Find out their aspirations and how you can help. The Scriptures say, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” That principle is true in marriage. Learn the joy of helping your spouse succeed. Your Winter marriage will turn to Spring.
Neglect
When a marriage begins to fall apart, it usually begins with neglect. We stop giving our attention to each other. We live our own independent lives and we drift apart. I call this the Fall season of marriage. How do we move from Fall back to Spring? We begin to do the kind of things we did when we first met each other. Meals together, asking questions and listening, as well as sharing positive comments and doing things together; these are the things that lead to a Spring marriage.
Maybe it’s time for you to plan a “date night” and do something fun together. Get your mind off your problems and focus on what you have in common. If you’ve been arguing, call a truce and share a pizza. Don’t continue drifting apart. It’s worth the effort.
Looks Like Spring
Does your marriage seem cold and distant? Would you like for it to be warm and caring? I came up with seven strategies for developing a marriage that looks like Spring. One of those strategies is: Discovering the Awesome Power of Empathetic Listening. Few things are more powerful than learning to listen to your spouse.
Most of us are not good listeners. We often respond to our spouses’ ideas before we fully understand them. We end up in an argument that leaves both of us frustrated. Learning to ask: “Are you saying….?” And letting your spouse clarify leads to understanding. Once we understand, we can make an informed response. Winter turns to Spring.
Winning Attitude
Winter, fall, spring and summer; which best describes your marriage? Over the years, I’ve spent time in all four seasons. But I personally prefer Spring and Summer. I like it when my marriage is filled with hope, excitement, peace and we both feel connected. How do you create that kind of marriage?
When I wrote my book: The Four Seasons of Marriage, I discovered seven strategies for spending more time in Spring and Summer. One of those strategies is Choosing a Winning Attitude. As long as you say, “There’s no hope. It’s gone on too long.” You stay locked into a Winter marriage. When you look for the positive and put your hand in the hand of God, Winter can melt into Spring.
What Season are You In?
What season of marriage are you in? Marriages are perpetually in a state of transition, moving from one season to another. It has nothing to do with how long you’ve been married but with the quality of your marriage. A Winter marriage is cold and filled with arguments or silent suffering. A Spring marriage is filled with hope and excitement.
A Summer marriage is relaxed and comfortable; you have solved major conflicts and accepted each others uniqueness. And a Fall marriage looks good on the outside but the leaves are about to fall off. You are drifting apart. Want to spend more time in Spring and Summer? It begins with admitting past failures and changing behavior.
Open to Advice
In most cases, parents are older than their teenagers. With increased age there is increased wisdom. Teens desperately need the wisdom of adults. But why is it that they often reject our advice? I think it is because they feel unloved. They are not sure that we are really interested in them. When we don’t express interest in their events or condemn them for their dress or music, we come across as judgmental. They tune us out.
If you want your teen to receive your wisdom, then speak all five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch. Give heavy doses of their primary language and when they are secure in your love, they will be open to your advice.
Affirmation Before Information
The most important building block of parent-teen relationships is love! Most parents sincerely love their teenagers but thousands of teens do not feel loved. For most parents, it is not a matter of sincerity but rather lack of information on how to effectively communicate love. We are so concerned about the teens behavior, that we often come across as condemning and the teen feels rejected.
When you need to instruct a teenager, make sure you speak love before you give the instructions. Give affirmation before you give information. For example, “I really appreciate the energy you spent in washing your car. It looks nice. Now, let’s be sure to keep that shiny car below the speed limit; otherwise, it will be my car for the next two days.”
Feeling Unloved
When I wrote my book, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, I was surprised to learn how many teens feel unloved by their parents. It’s not that the parents don’t love them. The problem is that the teen does not feel loved. When teenagers feel unloved, they are far more likely to become sexually active, start using drugs and get involved in trouble with the law.
The answer? Learn to speak the love language of your teenager. What are the five love languages? Words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch. Out of these five, your teen has a primary love language. If you speak it your teen will feel loved, if you don’t the love tank will be empty. Much of the teens miss-behavior comes from an empty love tank.
