Confessing Failure in Marriage
Improving my marriage means that I must, first of all, identify and confess my own failures to God.
Paul talked about this when he said: “I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man”. None of us are perfect. Having a good marriage is not dependent upon being perfect, but it does require you to deal with your failures. First you confess your failures to God and experience His forgiveness. Then with the help of His Spirit, you go to your spouse and say:
“I’ve been thinking about us, and I have realized that you are not all of our problem. Last night I asked God to show me where I have been failing you. He gave me a pretty good list. I asked God to forgive me and I’d like to share these with you and ask you to forgive me.” Now you have your spouses’ attention. Something new is happening. They are all ears.
Your spouse may or may not forgive you, but your honesty, clears the wall on your side. It empties your conscience of past failures. It frees you to be constructive today. Friend, your marriage is already better.
Asking for God’s Help in Your Marriage
If you want to improve your marriage, are you open to trying the radical teachings of Jesus?
The first step is get alone with God and pray this prayer: “Lord, you know what I live with, and you know how I’ve been treated. But I know that I’m not perfect and what I want to know is where am I am failing in my marriage. What am I doing and saying that I shouldn’t? What am I failing to do and say that I should?” That is a prayer that God will answer. He will show you your failures. I suggest that you write them down as God brings them to your mind:
- I was not kind last night. I was harsh and cutting with my words.
- I have been withdrawing lately. Not willing to talk or express interest in his life.
- I’ve been acting like God is dead and hope is gone.
Write them down and confess them to God. ‘Lord, I know that these are wrong. I confess them to you. Thank you that Christ has paid for these sins. I ask for your forgiveness.” According to scripture, the moment you ask, you are FORGIVEN. Thank God for His forgiveness. “Now Lord, help me to do something good with my life today.” Friend, you have taken the first step in improving your marriage.
Q&A: Contemplating separation
Question: After 15 years of marriage, we are contemplating separation. We are both Christians but have had many battles, one being depression. I feel I’m done. Is there hope?
Answer: I understand how you might feel like giving up. Depression that extends over a period of time can be difficult to deal with for both of you. However, there is help for those who are depressed. The most successful treatment involves both counseling and medication. I know that some Christians want to stay away from medication, but the reality is that often there is a chemical basis for the depression. Successful treatment then requires medication.
I also know that you may have tried medication and it has not helped, but don’t give up. Different medications help different people. Talk with your doctor and try another medication. However, don’t omit the counseling. Many times the depression is fed by relational issues. This is where a counselor can be very helpful.
Q&A: When the euphoric feelings fade
Question: I feel like my fiancé has lost interest in me. How can I get her to be interested once again?
Answer: It may be that your fiancé is coming down off the emotional high of being ‘in love’. I know that many people believe that if you are really in love, those feelings will remain forever. That is simply not true. The average life-span of the euphoria is two years. So, if you have been dating more than two years, this is likely what is happening.
Many couples break up at this point because they have ‘lost the feelings’. However, if you can learn to speak each other’s love language you can keep emotional warmth in the relationship. It’s not the euphoria, but there will be genuine feelings of love and care. Then you can look realistically at the relationship and whether or not it should lead to marriage.
The First Step is Yours
Improving a marriage is hard work, but the good news is you can do it because the first step is always yours.
Jesus said, first get the beam out of your own eye and then you can help your spouse get the speck out of theirs. I know that someone is objecting: “But the beam really is not in my eye. I’m not perfect, but the real problem is my spouse.” Let’s assume for a moment that you are correct. Let’s say that your spouse’s behavior accounts for 95% of your marital problems. Now that only leaves 5% for you. I’m suggesting and I think Jesus was suggesting that you best begin with your five percent.
In fact, your five percent is all that you can ever change. You cannot confess your husband’s sins, but you can certainly confess your own. You cannot change his behavior, but you can certainly change yours. Once you deal with YOUR five percent, the marriage is already improved. I will guarantee that your action will get the attention of your spouse.
Is there a marriage that doesn’t need help?
There’s no doubt that couples with troubled marriages are desperate for improvement. However, I find that even couples with good marriages recognize that there‘s room for growth. I’m convinced that you can have a better marriage and the key to improving your marriage is you. Some of you might be thinking, “But you don’t understand, I live with an alcoholic. My wife is depressed. My husband is abusive.” Others of you may be thinking, “Well, my marriage is not that bad.” The question is—do you want to have a better marriage? My response is you can and the first step is yours.
Jesus said, “Why do you keep talking about your spouses’ faults and spend so little time thinking about your own? Don’t you know that if you’ll begin by cleaning up your own act, you will have a greater influence on your spouse? First let’s deal with your own failures, then you can expect to see change in your spouse!” (loosely paraphrased from Matt. 7:1-5).
Q&A: When your friends don’t think he’s good for you
Question: I am very much in love with my boyfriend and we have a wonderful relationship. However, some of my friends have concerns about things that don’t bother me. They would actually like to see us break up. What should I do?
Answer: Listen to your friends. I don’t mean that you should necessarily break up. What I mean is that you need to listen to what your friends are saying. It is not uncommon to have blind-spots. Your friends see things you don’t see. You need to find out what their concerns are and then address the issues. If you don’t, you are likely to wake up married and then realize that your friends were right.
Don’t assume that just because you are in love, you should get married. It is highly possible to fall in love with someone you should not marry.
Get the Card
Would you like to teach your family how to handle anger in a positive way? In my book: Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way, I suggest that couples write the following words on an index card and put it on the refrigerator. When they feel angry toward a family member, they get the card and read it to the person at whom they are angry. Here’s what the card says:
“I’m feeling angry right now, but don’t worry. I’m not going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is this a good time to talk?” It brings a little humor into the tenseness and it reminds me what I am not going to do – lose my temper. It also asks for help in dealing with my anger. Try it! It may become a family tradition.
Constructive Action
Is uncontrolled anger a problem in your marriage? Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” Do you control yourself when you are angry? If not, it’s time to take action. Admit to God that in your anger you have sinned. If you lost your temper with your spouse, then apologize and ask them to forgive you.
The next time you are angry, take a ‘time out’ and pray. Ask God to show you the best way to respond to your anger. Ask yourself, “Why am I angry? What wrong was committed? What positive action might I take? What would be the loving thing to do?” Take constructive action and anger has served its purpose.
Love Does Not Accept
If your spouse sins against you, it’s time to get angry! Even God gets angry when people sin. He reaches out in love to convict, discipline and correct. Should we do less? God’s purpose for anger is that it motivates us to lovingly confront. We dare not sit idly by and make no effort to help our spouse turn from sin.
When I say ‘lovingly confront’, I’m not talking about yelling and screaming at your spouse. I’m suggesting you say something like this: “I’m deeply hurt by your behavior. I’m concerned about you and about us. Please, can we talk about this?” If they are unwilling to talk, you pray and try again. Love does not accept sinful behavior.
