Q&A: How do you prevent post-Christmas depression?

Question: How do you keep from being depressed after the gifts are all distributed, the family is all gone and the Christmas tree stands empty in the corner?

Answer: Well, that’s where all of us are today, Right? I don’t mean we are all depressed, but the empty tree now stands in the corner. For some of you, the extended family will remain for a few days, but by Friday they will be gone. No question about it, there can be an emotional ‘let-down’ after Christmas. We have been so busy, doing so many things. We may be emotionally spent.

My suggestion is that you have a daily quiet time with God each morning this week. You might read the book of Philippians, one chapter each day. Ask God to speak to you through His word. After reading, talk to God about what you read. Ask questions, express thanks, make requests. A conversation with God each day can keep you from the after Christmas blahs.  After all, He came to give us abundant life.

Q&A: How can we acknowledge the true meaning of Christmas at our family gathering?

Question: My husband’s family comes to our house for Christmas. They are not Christians. I want to do something that shows them the real meaning of Christmas. What do you suggest?

Answer: I think that Christmas offers a unique opportunity to speak of Christ in a very natural way. Most of our families know that Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ. They may focus on gifts, food, and family, but behind all of that there is the memory that Christmas is about Christ. Therefore, it would not be out of place or abnormal to recognize that reality.

One of the things that we have done with our extended family is to read the Christmas story from Luke chapter 2, and then have one of our younger children sing a Christmas song such as “Away in a Manger.” Then all of us sing, “Silent Night” or some other familiar Christmas carol. Then I pray or call on some other family member to pray. It is a simple way of acknowledging Christ as the center of Christmas.

Leadership Implies Communication

The husband is to love and provide for his wife as Christ loves and cares for the church. But how can the husband do that if he doesn’t know her needs. Peter instructs, that we are to deal with our wives according to knowledge.

This means we must take the initiative in asking questions and listening in order to “know” our wives and thus be able to meet their needs. Does not God invite us to come to Him with our needs, and make our requests known. Why should not the husband do the same?

Application? Go home tonight and say to your wife “Tell me about your day, darling.” Then look into her eyes and listen. Then ask: ‘What could I do right now that would make your life easier?” Then after you have picked her up off the floor, listen and do what she requests. Friend, you are being a loving leader.

A Wife is a Partner Not a Trophy

A wife is not a trophy to be won in courtship and then placed on the wall for all to observe along with our ten-point buck.

The loving husband views his wife as a partner. She is a living person with whom to have a relationship. She is not a person to be dominated and controlled to satisfy our own desires. She is a person to be known and from whom we can learn.

The idea of the wife as partner is as old as human literature. In the Genesis account of creation, the woman was created from the rib of man. It is a graphic description of her role as partner. The man and his wife were instructed to subdue the earth and to rule over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air and other living creatures. The man was not instructed to subdue his wife. He was told to become “one flesh” with her.

We are different, but these differences were designed by God so that we could complement each other. The husband who views his wife as a partner has taken the first step toward becoming a loving leader in his marriage.

Q&A: How do we prevent arguments during Christmas?

Question: How do you keep a marriage healthy during the Christmas Holidays? It seems like we have our biggest arguments around Christmas.

Answer: Many couples can identify with this question. Christmas can be a stressful time. The buying of gifts, decorating the house, cooking meals, and having extended family present, can all be very stressful. The problem is that we often get so busy with the details of life that we forget to touch each other emotionally. When we don’t feel loved and supported, the stress can bring out irritability and harsh words.

I’ve found that one of the best things you can do to keep your marriage healthy is for each of you to ask the other: “What can I do to help you?” Ask this question at least once a day between now and Christmas.

My second suggestion is to speak the words: “I love You.” at least once a day. That’s my formula for having a Merry Marital Christmas.

Q&A: Are married couples obligated to have children?

Question: Does the Bible teach that married couples are obligated to have children?

Answer: God did say to Adam and Eve, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.” In the Bible, children are viewed as a gift from God. However, I don’t think this means that every Christian couple is obligated to have children. I do think it is the norm for most couples.

If a couple decides not to have children, their reason for such a choice should be clearly understood. And it should not be rooted in selfishness. Some good reasons for not having children might include: physical or mental disabilities, poor relational skills, or ministry for Christ. Selfish reasons might be: the desire to travel, not willing to accept responsibility, wanting to be free to follow personal interests. Make sure your choice is based on a genuine desire to follow God’s plan for your life.

The Loving Leader

For some, the words “loving” and “leader” are anomalies; some people cannot conceive of the two concepts working in tandem. Their idea of leadership is the authoritarian dictator who rules with an iron fist, and their concept of love is mushy and weak. But in the Bible, the husband fits neither of these stereotypes. On the one hand, he is in touch with his feelings and is able to express both pain and joy, sympathy and encouragement. He is able to relate to his wife on an emotional level.

On the other hand, he is strong and dependable, feeling a sense of responsibility for the well-being of his wife and family. He does not run when things get tough but looks for solutions that will benefit the whole family. He is a leader to be sure, but he does not lead in isolation. He values the partnership with his wife; he wants to be there for her, but he has no desire to dominate her. This is the husband as loving leader.

The Husband’s Role in Marriage

In the contemporary world, perhaps nowhere has confusion reigned more than in the area of the husband’s role in marriage.

On one extreme is the concept of the dominant husband who makes all decisions and informs the wife as to what they are going to do, who does not tolerate questions from his wife or his children, and who believes that it is his responsibility to control all the major decisions regarding family life while the wife “takes care of the children.” On the other extreme is the more contemporary “don’t count on me” husband who expects the wife to support the family and make all the major decisions while he is the resident sports information source and keeps his muscles bulging with workouts at the local gym so that his wife will “be proud of him.”

Somewhere between these two concepts is a healthy middle road where the husband is a responsible, dependable, leading but non-domineering husband who is deeply committed to his wife and family.

Q&A: Is difference in age a deal breaker?

Question: Should a difference in age be a deal breaker for a relationship?

Answer: It depends on how old you are. If you are 16 and he is 26, then “Yes” age should be a deal breaker. You are too young to be involved with someone 10 years older than you. You have high school and college ahead of you. A person who is 26 and wanting to date you is revealing his own insecurity and may even be a predator.

On the other hand, if you are a widow of 46 and dating a man who is 56, age difference is less important. You are both old enough to be mature. There may be other factors that would indicate you should not get married, but age would not be that significant. The general principle is that the younger you are the more important age difference becomes.

Q&A: Is my husband spending too much time with his parents?

Question: My husband goes to his parent’s house every afternoon after work and every Friday night. I only see my parents once a week. My question is: What does a healthy relationship with parents look like for a newly-wed couple?

Answer: This is a question that many young couples can identify with, if you  live in the same town as your parents. The Scriptures say that we are to “leave our parents” and “be joined to each other.” What that looks like may differ with each couple, but the principle is clear. It appears to me that you think he is spending too much time with his parents and that may be true.

What I’d like to know is what is he doing when he goes to see his parents? What motivates him to go there? Is his mother demanding that he come to see them? That’s unhealthy. Or, is he helping his father with a work project? That’s different. Is he sharing his marital problems with his parents? That’s not good. Find out the motivation and then seek a pattern that demonstrates that the marriage is priority.