Does Separation Equal Divorce?
I know that when couples separate, they’re not likely to be thinking “growth”. Murder maybe, divorce—most likely. I really believe that separation can be a time of tremendous growth. Look, the two of you made some unwise choices that brought you to the point of separation. Now, with the help of God, the two of you can make some wise choices that will lead to reconciliation.
But my spouse is not willing to change! Okay, then are you willing to change? Are you willing to let someone help you examine your marriage to see what went wrong? You can’t make changes until you know what changes need to be made. Are you willing to admit that you may be just a small part of the problem? And your spouse may not always be the mean evil person they are today. God has changed some pretty rough characters in the past. Your spouse is not beyond the hand of God!
Q&A: How Do We Balance Marriage and Graduate School?
Q: My fiancé and I are both 20 years old and applying to graduate schools. I’m just wondering how to balance marriage, work, and grad school? What obstacles should we expect?
A: My first suggestion is postpone the marriage. If you are 20 years old and already applying to graduate schools, you must be exceedingly smart. So, use your smarts. Don’t get married until you have both been accepted into graduate schools and have part-time jobs. This will give you a realistic idea of how much time will be left over for your relationship.
You have plenty of time for marriage. Why not finish graduate school before you get married? If, however, you decide to get married while still in school, I can tell you from experience, you will have minimal time for each other. I got married at 23 while in graduate school and we had some very difficult years. Before you get married, talk with at least two couple who got married while in graduate school – they will give you realistic advice.
Q&A: Are there any books for couples who both have divorced parents?
Question: Do you have any book recommendations for Christian couples who are both products of divorce? We want to create a family life that we were not given.
Answer: Thank God for the thousands of couples who have this desire. Their parents divorced, and they don’t want their children to go through the pain that they experienced when they were children. I do believe that God can help you accomplish this goal. The key is to get a clear picture of what a healthy family looks like.
I spell this out in my book: The Family You’ve Always Wanted. I give the five fundamentals of a healthy family: An attitude of service, intimacy in the marriage, p[arents who teach and train, children who obey and honor parents, and husbands who are loving leaders. The book is filled with practical ideas on how to build such a family.
With God’s help you don’t have to repeat the pattern of your parents.
The Person Behind their Verbally Abusive Tongue
Behind every verbally abusive tongue is a person of value.
I know that’s hard to believe when you are hurt by exploding words, but it is true. Your spouse is an extremely valuable person, a person deeply loved by Christ. Of course, their verbally abusive behavior saddens the heart of God as it does your own. But their abusive behavior does not distract from their worth.
If you can focus on their worth rather than their abuse, perhaps you can be God’s instrument for bringing help. The wife who says: “I’ve been thinking about us. I’ve been thinking about our dating days. I’ve been remembering the tender touch, the kind words, the smiling face, the fun we had in those days. I guess that’s why I believe in you so strongly. I know the good qualities that are there. Sometimes I lose that vision when I am hurt by your verbal attacks, but I know the kind of man you are and I believe in that man.”
She is giving him what all of us need: someone who believes in us. This has powerful potential for motivating positive changes in his behavior.
The Verbal Abuser
Most people who verbally abuse their spouse are saying more about their own needs that they are about their spouses character.
The verbal abuser has a deep need for self-worth. They are unconsciously seeking to elevate themselves by putting down the spouse. Of course, this is not an acceptable way to build one’s self-esteem.
The spouse who wants to have a positive influence will affirm the need, but reject the behavior.
By saying something like: “I know that you must be terribly frustrated to speak to me in that manner. I wish I could hear you and help, but I am so pained by the words that I cannot listen. If you could write me a note telling me what you feel and how strongly you feel it, maybe I could be there for you and could be the spouse you need.” This statement acknowledges the inner struggles of the abuser, but refuses to accept the destructive behavior. Friend, this is a step in the right direction.
Q&A: Do you believe in New Year’s resolutions?
Question: Do you believe in New Year’s Resolutions? It seems that every year I make a list, but seldom accomplish my goals. Consequently, I feel guilty. I’m beginning to think it would be better not to make the list.
Answer: I can certainly identify with this perspective, but I do believe in New Year’s Resolutions. All of us need to evaluate our lives periodically, and the beginning of a new year is a good time to do that. Let me share some ideas that can make this a positive experience. First, make your objectives realistic. Don’t shoot for the moon. Second, make your goals measurable. Better to say, I plan to have a quiet time with God at least once a week this year. Than to say, I’ll do it every day. This is both realistic and measurable.
Third, pray that God will give you wisdom on how to reach your goals. If you want to loose 20 pounds, you need to have a plan. God can guide you to the plan that is right for you. And Fourth, don’t measure your worth by your performance. You are valued by God, even if you don’t keep your resolutions.
Q&A: How can I support my husband while he looks for a new job?
Question: This has been a hard year for us financially. My husband lost his job. He’s been looking, but nothing has opened up. He is beginning to get discouraged. How can I help him keep a positive attitude?
Answer: This is a situation with which many can identify. I’d like to suggest three things. Number One, speak your husband’s love language. The deepest emotional need we have is the need to feel loved. When your husband’s love tank is full, life is much easier to process. He may not have a job, but if he has you, and feels that you really love him, he can go on looking with a positive attitude.
Second, I suggest that you look for volunteer jobs at your church or in your community where you and your husband can volunteer to help others. Getting involved in doing something worthwhile is a big deterrent to getting depressed. Often it is in the context of volunteering that you make new friends and sometimes even find a new job opportunity.
Third, ask your friends to pray for you. That’s what friendship is all about. Don’t walk alone.
Verbal abuse is WARFARE
It employs the use of words as bombs and grenades designed to punish the other person, to place blame, or to justify one’s own actions or decisions. Abusive language is filled with poisonous put-downs which seek to make the other person feel badly, appear wrong, or look inadequate.
Most people who practice verbal abuse are suffering from low self-esteem. Anything which threatens their worth will stimulate a flow of angry words. The slightest criticism can ignite the flame. Understanding this, may change your attitude toward your verbally abusing spouse. Seeing them as a needy person, rather than an abusive person, may help you take a more constructive approach.
Being a Loving Leader
Being a loving leader requires that you put your wife at the top of your priority list.
Christ is your example. He loved the church and gave himself for it. The church is his priority. He shed his blood for the church. And now, as our ascended Savior, he prays for you. What a model!
So, the husband who takes the Bible seriously will make his wife his number one priority. Throughout the day ask yourself the question: “What can I do for her that will enhance her life?” Pray for her daily. Encourage her worthy pursuits. Commend her for her accomplishments.
As Christ showers us with daily blessings, so you as loving leader should shower your wife with actions and words which say, “I love you”. And she? She will follow your leadership.
