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Q&A: Resorting to Tests

Q: My husband is resorting to “tests” to prove my devotion. How can I make him more secure in our relationship?

A: When a spouse is putting you to the test and saying, “If you love me you would…” or “You don’t love me because you don’t…” They’re telling you that they are not getting enough love in their love language. So rather than getting defensive about it, which is what we typically do, I would suggest you really focus on speaking their love language. If you don’t know their love language, then go to, take the free quiz and ask your spouse to take the quiz so that you each know the other’s love language. Then, focus on giving them heavy doses of their primary love language. When they feel secure in your love, they are less likely to be doing what you’re calling, “testing your love.”

Celebrate Peyton Giveaway Contest

To be their best, children need to feel loved. But if you and your child speak different love languages, your affection might get lost in translation, affecting the child’s attitude, behavior, and development. In my book for parents, The 5 Love Languages of Children (updated and revised, 2012), Dr. Ross Campbell and I help you to discover and speak your child’s love language and give you practical suggestions for learning how your children interpret love—creating a sense of security in which they can thrive.

This month marks the release of my debut children’s book, A Perfect Pet for Peyton. It’s an entertaining and playful story of five children who each, with the help of “Mr. Chapman” and the unique pets at his special emporium, discover their own personal love language. The story is designed to help kids and their parents learn together about how we give and receive love differently. I really think you’ll enjoy the fun illustrations too! Children and parents alike will experience firsthand the power of the love languages as they cuddle up and spend precious time together reading this book over and over again.

To celebrate the release of A Perfect Pet for Peyton, we are giving away 10 sets of books!

*UPDATE: This contest is now closed and the winners have been chosen. Please keep an eye out for future contests and giveaways!

Enter to win both books by leaving a comment at the end of this post. For extra entries, like my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter and include that you did in a separate comment. Entries must be received by Monday, April 30, 2012 at midnight CST. Winners will be selected randomly and notified by email. To qualify, winners must reside within the U.S. or Canada.

» Note to iPhone Users
As an added bonus, a fun and interactive free app called “Peyton and Friends” is now available for iPhone which will enhance the in-book experience with A Perfect Pet for Peyton. Watch the characters in your book come alive with cutting edge AR (augmented reality) technology—something you have to see to believe. Help Peyton find perfect pets for his friends right in the room you are in using the camera function on your phone, test your pizza making skills against flying pepperoni, hear the talking parrot repeat everything you say, or help Mr. Chapman keep his pocket mouse from escaping with these four games your kids will love.

What is The Greatest Commandment of All?

Jesus said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.” Why would you want to love God? The Apostle John said, “We love God because He first loved us.” Some time ago, I began a study of the various ways in which God expresses His love to us.

I discovered that God speaks all five love languages fluently: Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. That study led to the publishing of my book: God Speaks Your Love Language. What makes one person feel loved does not necessarily make another person feel loved. God knows you and He chooses to speak your love language.

Marshmallow Test

More than 40 years ago, Dr. Walter Mischel conducted an extensive long-term study at Stanford University that came to be known as the Marshmallow Test. The researcher put a marshmallow in front of a 4 year old child and said: “You can have one marshmallow right now, or you can wait 15 minutes while I do something else and then you can have two marshmallows.

About one third of the children waited and received the second marshmallow. Fourteen years later the same children were interviewed about their present lives. Those who waited had better self-esteem, higher SAT scores, and were considered more socially adept and trustworthy. Patience, is indeed a virtue.

The Two Greatest Commands

Jesus said that the two greatest commands are to love God and love your neighbor. During this week when our society is thinking about Valentine’s Day, what a wonderful time to focus on loving God and your family (who are your closest neighbors). Each day  ask yourself: What can I do today that will express my love to God?

Then, ask the same question about your family. For your wife, you might volunteer to wash the dishes. For your daughter you might purchase a valentines card. For your son you might invest an hour in playing with him. Do something each day this week to express your love to God and your family. This is the Christian lifestyle: Love as a Way of Life.

FACEBOOK CONTEST! (ends Oct. 1, 2010)

You could WIN 2 SIGNED copies of Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married + a $100 Amazon Giftcard!

Official Rules:

(1) Upload a video of you asking someone who is married what is one thing they wish they knew before they got married. Then upload to or YouTube and link at Facebook page.

(2) Email 5ll.giveaways @ and let us know you uploaded your video…. Include the subject line “Video Contest” and in the body: your Facebook profile name.

Contest will end October 1st, 5 winners will be chosen to receive 2 signed copies of the book (one for yourself, and the other for whoever was featured in the video) with 1 GRAND PRIZE WINNER receiving the 2 books + a $100 GIFTCARD for

Winners will be considered based on content, creativity, and # of LIKES and announced on the following Monday.

Happy filming!

(US and Canadian residents only)

The ‘In-Love’ Illusion isTemporary”

The “in love” experience, which leads most of us to get married, is an emotional obsession that leads us to the conclusion that we have married the most wonderful person in the world. It’s an illusion, but it seems real, and it is one of life’s greatest emotional highs. But why doesn’t it continue after marriage? Because it is an illusion. That is why, before marriage, your mother could see their flaws, but you could not. Your mother said: “Darling have you considered that he’s always late? You reply, “Oh Mom, it doesn’t matter. He is so much fun when he does get here.” But when the illusion is gone, It does matter, and you start saying: “Why are you always late?” He is blown out of the water. He hasn’t changed. It is just that the illusion is gone. The in-love illusion is temporary. It’s average life-span is two years. This doesn’t mean that love is destined to die. It does mean that we must now work at keeping it alive.

Biblical Love Is A Choice

A man said to me recently: “We have a problem. My wife’s sister told us that her husband just left her and is asking for a divorce. She is turning to us for advice. I’m not sure what to tell her. Should she contest the divorce? How do we help her? We have never faced this in our family before!” Many family members can identify with this man. They want to help, but don’t know how. Thousands of people experience marital separation every year. Many of them sincerely want to
know, “What should I do, as a Christian?” First, let me say this, Don’t assume that separation equals divorce. Separation may lead to a restored, enriched, growing marriage. The individuals involved will determine the outcome of separation. Separation is not permanent. It either leads to resurrection or death. The Christian must always seek resurrection.

Abusive Language is Poisonous

Verbal abuse is warfare. It employs the use of words as bombs and grenades designed to punish the other person, to place blame, or to justify one’s own actions or decisions. Abusive language is filled with poisonous put-downs which seek to make the other person feel badly, appear wrong, or look inadequate. Most people who practice verbal abuse are suffering from low self-esteem. Anything which threatens their worth will stimulate a flow of angry words. The slightest criticism can ignite the flame. Understanding this, may change your attitude toward your verbally abusing spouse. Seeing them as a needy person, rather than an abusive person, may help you take a more constructive approach