June 16, 2009
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February 24, 2014
Q: I scored almost equally on all five love languages when I took the online quiz. Is this fair to my spouse who has only one primary language?
Gary: In a sense it actually makes it easier for your spouse; his or her speaking of any of the languages will make you feel deeply loved. You have only one choice as to which language will make him feel loved. I would ask yourself one question however: “If I had to give up one of these languages being spoken to me, what would it be?” Repeat this until you’re down to one. Chances are you’ll find that one or two really do stand out. If so, be sure to let your spouse know.
January 3, 2014
Q: While dating how much time should be taken to help teach my love language to my boyfriend?
Dr. Gary Chapman: In the dating context you’re trying to get to know each other, which involves talking about your histories, your future. It also involves learning some skills that will help you if you decide to get married and one of those skills involves the concept of love languages. I would suggest the two of you read the book, maybe the singles’ edition, take the quiz, and discuss it with each other; find out how to clearly speak each other’s love language. If you get this down while dating and later decide to get married, it’s going to be a great step forward for your marriage because you already know what makes each other happy. So yes, I would suggest discussing the love languages freely while dating.
December 20, 2013
Q: My husband has told me that he doesn’t find me attractive. It breaks my heart, but what can I do?
Dr. Gary Chapman: I would say to ask why. If he says, “You’re overweight,” or “You dress sloppy,” those are things you can work on. However, it is likely far deeper than that; it is more than physical, it is emotional. Ask, “On a scale of 0 to 10. How much love do you feel coming from me?” It will probably be rather low. Then ask, “What can I do to help meet your need for love?” Take the quiz on 5lovelanguages.com and determine each other’s language. You can then begin to speak his language and vice versa. Chances are, he will begin to find you attractive again.
August 26, 2013
Q: “I’m new to the love language concept. What is the first step in understanding and applying them?”
Gary Chapman: When you’ve got the concept down—that people have different love languages—the next step is to discover your own and that of your spouse. You can do that by going to 5lovelanguages.com and taking the quiz. Or, you can also ask yourself the following questions:
- “How do I typically express my love and appreciation to other people?”
- “What do I complain about most often?”
- “What do I request of people most often?”
If you put the answers to these questions together, I think you’ll discover your primary love language. Once you know it and that of the people you care about, then it’s a matter of choosing to speak the love language of the other person. And, if they reciprocate, then the emotional climate of your relationship will be enhanced.
May 20, 2013
Q: My husband got a zero for physical touch on your online quiz and I got a zero. How do I deal with it?
Gary Chapman: He must learn how to reach out and give you the kind of touches that communicate love to you—just as you must learn to speak his love language. It usually doesn’t come natural to speak a language that is not native to us, so it will be just as difficult for him as it is for you. But if you both understand how important this is—that this is what is going to make the other person feel loved—it makes learning to speak each other’s primary love language much easier. I deal with thoroughly in my book The 5 Love Languages, so if you’ve not yet read it and only taken the quiz, I want to encourage you do so. I would also recommend you get your husband the men’s edition because in it I give guys several additional ideas on how to speak all five languages.
January 9, 2013
When you’ve hurt someone all you want to do is make things right. Same thing if you’ve been wronged. But sometimes just saying or hearing, “Sorry,” isn’t enough.
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December 10, 2012
Q: How do I show appreciation to my finance? He does a lot of great things for me but says I don’t SHOW that I appreciate him.
A: I think this is a common problem in relationships; One person will do something to express their love for the other person but they don’t get the response they thought they would get. Maybe he buys a gift and thinks, “she’s going to really like this” and she says, “Oh thank you” and that’s it, but he thought she would be jumping up and down with excitement. I think a part of the problem is not understanding the other person’s love language. He’s speaking to you in one language and apparently you’re hearing that because you’re observing that he’s doing a lot of good things for you. I would say, take the Love Language quiz and discuss it with each other. I think you’ll find it to be helpful.
November 9, 2012
Q: I took your Language Quiz online, but I still can’t ID my primary Love Language. They all seem equal to me!
A: It’s not unusual that people will sense that all five of these are important to them. It’s probably because you have received all five of them throughout your life time, and you’re not quite sure of them which one stands out, but you do feel loved.
The question is: Is your love tank full? If your spouse is speaking your love language, or if you’re single and your parents and others are speaking your love language and you feel secure, then I wouldn’t worry about it. However, if you don’t feel loved then it’s essential to discover what would make you feel loved because what would make you feel loved is your primary love language.
September 24, 2012
Q: My husband is resorting to “tests” to prove my devotion. How can I make him more secure in our relationship?
A: When a spouse is putting you to the test and saying, “If you love me you would…” or “You don’t love me because you don’t…” They’re telling you that they are not getting enough love in their love language. So rather than getting defensive about it, which is what we typically do, I would suggest you really focus on speaking their love language. If you don’t know their love language, then go to 5lovelanguages.com, take the free quiz and ask your spouse to take the quiz so that you each know the other’s love language. Then, focus on giving them heavy doses of their primary love language. When they feel secure in your love, they are less likely to be doing what you’re calling, “testing your love.”