Is it a Driver or a Wedge?
Okay so this post has nothing to do with Golf, sorry if I got any of you excited. But it does have to do with driving and wedges. Getting rid of potential wedges in your relationship is crucial to the health of the marriage. A relationship wedge is anything that has the potential to drive you and your spouse apart. The first and most dangerous wedge is pride–specifically, the pride that keeps you from apologizing. Pride turns simple misunderstandings into long-term problems.
Other potential wedges include negative input from friends and family, overbooked schedules, and indifference. You probably won’t be able to remove all the wedges from your relationship, but you can remove enough to give your love a chance to grow.
Another way to create a better climate is to look for positive things in your spouse. Your spouse may have traits and hidden talents that you knew nothing about before you were married. Look for these things and compliment your spouse. You can create a better atmosphere if you use positive words. Find the goodness in your spouse and proclaim it loudly, especially in front of other people.
Have you ever publicly acknowledged and encouraged your spouse? Has your spouse ever done this for you? Share your story, or creative ideas on how to do this in the future.
Is it really not possible to remove all the wedges? What makes a wedge so we know how to avoid creating them?Although I do not remember the last time I publicly complimented or encouraged my spouse, I do make my best effort to not contradict him in front of others, especially his family and friends. That alone can show deep respect, love, and trust you have for your spouse.
Do you have any advice or do you have any books that deal with having problems being attracted to your spouse? Since we married, my spouse has gained a significant amount of weight, to the point where I am no longer attracted. I love my spouse dearly and want to be close, but it's really hard to look past the weight. I am sad and ashamed to admit that I have to keep my eyes closed when we make love, or the sight completely turns me off and it is no longer enjoyable.
Dr. Chapman, I received notification from Facebook (I'm a fan of yours there and in the "normal" world too!) that you have a blog now. Great looking blog and great post! Just last week I blogged about your Love Languages series, which are absolutely INCREDIBLE! As a mother with young kids, I suggested adding another love language…it's my pathetic attempt at humor!http://www.encouragedinheart.org/?s=goldfishAs a small group leader, I continually recommend "The Love Languages" when I testify to how much God used your words to change my thinking and love othersthe way they need to be loved.The "children" edition helped my husband and I really figure out our sons. Knowing that our oldest is physical touch and our youngest in gifts has helped in filling their love tanks! In few years will be getting the "teenager" edition!CONGRATS on 5 MILLION copies – just AWESOME!God bless and thank you!steph
I loved the comment in the email I received:Likewise, when we reveal ourselves to another person, and they listen and reciprocate, we can build an intimate relationship with that person. Communication is to a relationship what breathing is to the body. Don't stop talking and don't stop listening.Great words of advice!However, When I revealed myself to my husband during the lowest point in my life when I suffered from clinical depression, he did not listen or reciprocate. He shut me down completely and took "Suck it up, we all have problems" attitude with me, when all I wanted was a little compassion.I won't tell you exactly what he said, because it was crude. (This was after the birth of our son, by the way.How could I continue to build an intimate relationship with him after this? I was shattered. If you can't turn to your spouse who claims to love you, who can you turn to? I can no longer trust him with my feelings and emotions. He has made it clear that he is incapable of empathy and compassion.What do you do if you are married to someone like this?I have been unhappy for over a decade.
Hi,
I just read this blog… I know it’s been on here since August of 09. But boy does it have a lot of great info and meaning. I have a hard time with being negative towards my husband and he always forgives me no matter what. But he too has the same issue as me, but when it’s him being negative or when both of us are being negative and saying mean/hurtful things to each other I find it hard to forgive. I know it’s a sin not to forgive and I need to work on this. Hubby is in AIT for the army and will graduate May 28th. I’m very nervous for his return. We still have harsh words even now with each other over the phone or when we text each other. He says things without thinking about how they’ll affect me and I also do this at times. Please pray that we can work on this, I hate it when we do this. I want to draw closer to him and not further apart!