Wise Men Say…Only Fools Fall in Love
Falling “in love” feels foolish sometimes. When young couples come to me for pre-marital counseling, I often ask, “Now let’s see, why do you want to get married? Whatever else they tell me, they always give me the big reason. “We love each other.” Isn’t that sweet. Then I ask a very unfair question, “Now what do you mean by that?”
What does it mean to “fall in love?” It all starts with what I call the “tingles.” Before long, you’re obsessed with them. They are the most wonderful person you have ever met. In your mind they are perfect. But this is hardly the bedrock for a healthy marriage. Why? Because its average life span is only two years.
In the textbook of marriage, the in-love obsession is the introduction. The heart of the book is rational, volitional love. This is good news to the married couple who have lost the “in love” feelings. The fact is, we can learn to meet each other’s emotional need for love.
How has your love in your marriage matured? What ways did you transition from the “in love” feelings to real love?
I read The 5 Love Languages of Children after a woman (who had read this book several times) came to our MOPS group to speak about the book. I had seen it in store, but didn’t know anything about it. She intrigued (sp?) me and I told my friends all about it, my friend bought it and The 5 Love Languages of Apology for me. I’ve read the first and throughly enjoyed it (as a mother of 4 boys I need all the help I can get, and your book really helped me). I am anxiously awaiting my chance to read several of your others (I want to read them all)!!!!!!! I really want to read The 5 Love Languages, I feel I have a great marriage, but who can’t stand for some improvement? Thanks for all you do.
I read the 5 Love Languages as a part of some extra reading for my masters program and have been a big fan-suggesting all my couples to read. I’m a newlywed and its so different being in the situation rather than the ‘counselor’. Love has truly become an action (or lack thereof) more than the feelings. now we dated for 5 years so the fizzles started fading awhile back..but I think the ‘wedding’ brought a lot back and then when reality hit- maturity in love meant overlooking bad habits and faults and accepting my husband for who he is (much easier said than done). it means praying for him, when I really want to hurt him. it means, literally biting my tongue to not respond or throw some jeer in his face. it means, sitting and watching every sport that he enjoys when i could be doing something else I find more stimulating. it means keeping the house clean because I know he also sees this as an expression of love…so many things I have learned and I know its a trillion more to learn!
That’s such an important thing that you touched on. Love means “praying for him.” Thanks for reminding others about that act of love for your spouse.What are some other important things we should be doing to show love for others?
What happens if your long term relationship has never had the 'tingly' phase, but the companionship is nice, your partner is kind, gentle, patient – and your head tells you he's the kind of guy you should be with, even if your heart doesn't feel that way (and hasn't from day one). I'm scared that as I reach my 40th year, I'm incapable of that wonderful tingly love, and perhaps it's overrated, and I should just settle for what I have…but I don't see many articles covering that?
I have thoroughly enjoyed learning about the five love languages. It really has put a lot of things in perspective regarding my marriage with my husband. We definitely have different love languages and I really noticed my love language, Acts of Service, when I was pregnant for the third time. I really felt disconnected with my husband and I really didn’t feel like I “liked” him very much during that time. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my husband with all of my heart and he is definitely my soul-mate. But he seemed to be kicked back, relaxing during this pregnancy, probably thinking, “she’s an old pro at this, I don’t have to do much. ” On the contrary, with two small children to take care of, as well, as the house, etc., I was feeling very overwhelmed and quite LARGE. My nesting became an obsession, but on the negative side. My honey-do list was very long and he was not accomplishing, nor trying to complete, any of it. Of course, he assumed it was pregnancy hormones to the nth degree, but I realized after reading this book again, that my love tank was not being filled. In return, his love tank was not being filled because “Words of Affirmation” were not flowing from my lips, to say the least. Thanks for this great book.